The Stillness Of You(35)

We were nearly there when some asshole turned into me and his beer went   flying. The guy was tall and built but if he gave me problems I could   take him. Hell, with all the pent up energy running through me I wanted   to take him and then follow up with tattooed Travis for kicks.

"Dude, what the fuck?" he shouted but then his face crinkled and he took a step back. "Hey, aren't you Ben Lancaster?"

I shoved past him without answering. The exit led to a stairwell but it   was empty and as the door swung closed behind us the noise was easier  to  take.

"Jesus, Ben, are you mad about something?" Georgia asked, yanking her hand from mine.

I ran my hands through my hair and rotated my shoulders. Hell the fuck yes. Hell the fuck no.

Shit.

"No," I said carefully. "I … "

Her eyes glistened and she licked her lips, tugging on a long curl. She   was nervous. Anxious. And I felt like the biggest loser on the planet   because it was her birthday for Christ sake and I'd managed to ruin it.

I groaned and blew out a long breath. How had the day ended up here? I'd   woken up with her beside me and after I'd made sweet love to her, we'd   spent the day in the pool. We'd talked about music, movies, books and   art. We talked about a lot of shit but none of it really mattered,   because none of it was about her.

And that's what was bugging me-it's what had bugged me all along-I just didn't know it until now.                       
       
           



       

I didn't know the real Georgia and it frustrated the hell out of me   because I saw glimpses of her when she wasn't trying so hard to hide   herself, and I wanted more. I wanted to know about the girl who painted   those freaky weird ass paintings. I wanted to know about the girl who   separated her peas from everything else on her plate and ate them last.   The girl who crinkled her nose when she was thinking too hard. I wanted   to know …

"You and guitar guy didn't just date casually." It wasn't a question and she knew it.

For the longest time Georgia said nothing and as each second ticked by   my anger grew. It erupted like a balloon inside my chest and my teeth   were clenched together so tightly that my jaw ached.

"I've known Travis for a long time."

It wasn't rational, the way I was feeling. On some level I knew that but   I couldn't help myself. It was there. Some big fucking elephant stood   between us and I had no idea what it was. I had no idea because Georgia   wouldn't tell me.

"So you fucked him."

Her eyebrows shot up at my crude words and I felt like an absolute shit   at the hurt in her eyes. But the feeling passed because the anger   overshadowed it. The anger inside me fueled by the Jack I'd inhaled in   the bar was becoming as big and nasty as the invisible elephant.

"Are we doing that now?" she said. "Are we really going to discuss all the guys I've fucked?"

"So there's been a lot?" I shot back with a snarl.

Her mouth opened in shock but I didn't back down. I wanted something   more from her. And though I didn't particularly care to hear the details   of every hook up she'd ever had she wasn't giving me anything else.

"What the hell is happening? Why are you being like this?" she said,   taking a step toward me. Her eyes were all shiny as if she was going to   cry. "Can't we just leave, Ben? Go back to your place and-"

"And fuck? Because that's all we do, Georgia." I took the remaining step   until we were so close I could see the sparkles in her eye shadow.   Until I could see the thin sheen of sweat along her forehead and smell   that sweet summery scent that drove me crazy.

"We fuck and we eat and we sleep. Then you go out to the barn and paint.   You paint weird fucked up faces that mean something, but I don't know   what that something is because you won't tell me anything about   yourself. The only thing you've told me is that your mother was fucking   crazy and drove herself off a bridge."

She gasped. I didn't care. I was beyond caring about anything except my frustration.

My voice echoed down the stairwell and for the next few seconds it was   followed by the sounds of the heavy breaths that fell from both of us.

A single solitary tear edged its way down Georgia's face. Shit. I had   done that. I had made her cry. The anger in me was gone as suddenly as   it came but when I reached for her she flinched and moved back.

"You want to know the real me, Ben?" She held out her arms and shrugged.   "Here I am. Georgia King. College drop out. Party girl. Addict.   Mentally defective." Her eyes flashed. "You want to know about my   hookups? About all the guys I've screwed?"

"Georgia-"

"You started this Ben so let me finish it. I fucked Travis Bartlett when   I was fifteen and I continued to fuck him along with a shit ton of   other guys, including a couple Flyers which is why Matt didn't want me   around you. If you want names I can give you that too, you guys can   compare notes at training camp."

My jaw fell open. That's not what I expected to hear.

"I did a lot of drugs, I fucked a lot of guys and even a few girls and I   drank a lot of vodka." She snorted and wiped at her face, scrubbing at  a  fresh batch of tears. "Something I shared with my dad. Is that what  you  wanted to know?"

"Jesus, Georgia." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to feel.   This was so far away from what I thought … of what she felt like to me   that I was stunned.

"You look disgusted. Are you? Because you should be, Ben. I'm not the   kind of girl you're going to end up with. I'm not good or pure or even   interesting. For a while there, I was a good time. I was a good time to a   lot of different people but now I'm a damaged, broken, unfixable girl   who thought that maybe … " her voice broke and I took a step toward her,   but she shook her head violently and moved back.

My hands were clenched at my sides and I wanted to punch a fucking hole into the wall.

"I thought that maybe I could be someone else. I thought that maybe I   could be with someone like you but that's just a fantasy. A stupid,   immature fantasy. We can't change who we are Ben and what I am isn't   something you want. I can see it in your eyes. The real me is a monster.   The real me is in those fucking paintings."                       
       
           



       

She took a step back and reached for the door. "Thank you for tonight,"   she whispered and then she disappeared back inside the club.

I stared at the closed door for so long my eyes blurred. And then the   anger in my gut began to burn again. It festered and erupted and it   propelled me through the club. I didn't see Georgia or Kendall or anyone   I knew.

I stalked down the stairs and headed for the doors when a voice stopped me cold.

"Dude, if you're looking for Georgia she left. You pissed her the fuck   off, which sucks for you but that it's good for me. I like Georgia   pissed off. Like I said earlier, she's one crazy-"

"Shut the fuck up," I growled, itching for him to come at me.

He did and I flattened him with one punch.

Fucking great way to end the evening.





Chapter Twenty-Six





Georgia





It was nearly three in the morning when I let myself into Matt's loft.   The place was dark and quiet. I leaned against the door and let it wash   over me, the stillness, the absolute silence, and for a moment or two I   tried to pretend that things were going to be okay.

But they weren't. They were so far from okay that I was afraid I'd never find that place again. The place I'd found with Ben.

A sob escaped me and I dropped my head into my hands. I was so tired. So tired and scared and alone and …

"Where have you been?"

My head whipped up so fast I banged it on the door, and I'm sure it hurt   like a bitch but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything except the   hot shot of need at the sound of his voice. It heated my entire body in   an instant and awakened the pain.

He was here.

"I know Matt's traveling for the team so I figured you would come back here."

I flipped the switch near the door flooding the loft with light and it   was then that I spied him. Ben stood near the window, his face in   shadow, but the clenched fists at his side told me he was still pissed.

I wanted to be pissed off too but I wasn't. I was just sad and empty.

"What do you want, Ben?"

"You seriously have to ask that?"