The Stillness Of You(36)

I winced at the tone of his voice.

"I want the truth. I want to know what the fuck went down tonight. I   want to know how you could throw all that shit at me and leave. Do you   know how worried I was about you? I've been calling your goddamn cell   and texting you for hours. It's three o'clock in the fucking morning,   Georgia. Where the hell have you been?"

My knees began to shake. Did I have it in me to finish this?

"Or should I ask who were you with?"

Ouch. That hurt and I glanced away.

Wearily I pushed off from the door, stepping out of my heels and tossing   them to the side. I was bone tired. Emotionally and physically  drained.  I'd spent hours walking the streets of Philly-not a real smart  thing to  do but I'd never cared for smart and easy before so why start  now?

I leaned against the sofa that was between us, pushing the tangled hair   at my nape over my shoulder. He moved and stepped into the circle of   light, still dressed for the club. Dark jeans and white collared shirt   with the top three buttons undone. He hadn't shaved today and there was   shadow along his jaw, shadows in his eyes, and his sensual mouth was   hard.

I didn't have to look at him to know I'd just lost everything I'd ever   wanted because I felt it. I felt the loss seep into bone and tissue. I   felt it settle between the cracks in my heart and the empty holes in my   soul.

"I wasn't with anyone. I just … I just walked and tried to … " Oh God, how could I explain?

"Tried to what? You're not telling me anything. Do you know how crazy that makes me?"

Not as crazy as me.

Without a word I turned on my heel and headed for my bedroom where I   rummaged through my underwear drawer until I found what I was looking   for. I was back in the main room seconds later and Ben was still   standing next to the sofa. There wasn't one soft thing about him and my   heart rate shot up as the pieces inside me began to move.

God, I wished they would just stop.

"You want the truth?" I asked harshly, feeding on the friction inside me.

His glared at me, but I saw the hurt in his eyes and it just made everything worse. "Don't you think I deserve it?"

I tossed the bottles at him and watched as he caught them up against his chest. "There," I said roughly. "There's the truth."

He looked at me as if I was crazy, which of course I was, and then   studied the bottles in his hands, turning them over as he read the   information on the labels. "What are these?"

"They're bottles that hold little pills that define who I am."                       
       
           



       

"Lithium?"

"Yes."

He glanced at the other one. "Klonopin?"

"Yep."

"I don't get it."

"No," I said bitterly. "You don't." God, it was hot. I clawed at the top of my halter dress and lifted my hair off my neck.

"What the fuck, Georgia?" He tossed the pills onto the sofa and rounded   it, until he was inches from me. "What are you hiding behind?" He ran   his hands through the mess of hair over his forehead and swore again. "I   don't care about pills. I care about you."

I exhaled slowly but it did nothing to calm me.

"I know," I whispered, the sadness inside me so huge I ached from it.   "But you don't know the real me. If you had met the real me when you   first walked into this loft all those weeks ago, I guarantee you would   have run the other way. You might have fucked me first, but I'm no   keeper."

He didn't look shocked at my words. He folded his arms and glared at me.

The pressure inside my chest burst, ripping something open. My lips   started moving before I could stop them and words fell … words that I   wanted to snatch back as soon as I said them. But that wasn't happening   either. I had run out of time and sadly, so had Georgia and Ben.

"I'm the girl who's had sex with so many guys I can't even remember them   all. I gave myself away because I could. Because I wanted to and   because it made me feel good for about five seconds. I'm also the girl   who loved to snort coke and drink vodka in her coffee mug. I'm the girl   who would stay up for seventy-two hours straight painting madness,   because it felt as if I was creating art."

I paused as crush of memories pressed into my brain and sobbed, shaking my head at all the things I'd done.

"I don't belong with someone like you, Ben." My eyes filled with tears   and I scrubbed at them angrily, wiping them away in one jerky motion. "I   thought I could pretend and move forward and be this perfect girl but   who am I kidding? My past, all the shit I've done, will never go away   and I don't want you to suffer because of it. You deserve so much more.   You deserve to be able to walk into that Flyer dressing room and not   have the guys snicker behind your back because you're with Georgia King.   You deserve to hold your head high and not be afraid that some   inappropriate picture of your girlfriend won't pop up online because   trust me, they're there."

"Georgia-"

But I cut him off because I knew he needed to hear everything. "No, we   can't be together and I knew it the moment I met you but I thought … when   I'm with you the pieces inside me," I pounded my chest, welcoming the   pain as my nails slashed into my skin. "These fucking pieces that rub   against each other and cause all this friction … they slow down and   they're still … and things are good for a while."

"Then let them be good," he said softly, his voice full of emotion.

God, he was making this so hard but I knew it was time for me to put it   all out there. "Ben, you're like a circle that's good and whole and   perfect. I'm not. I'm sick. I have a mental health condition and my   circle is cracked and there are pieces of me that are fragmented, pieces   that can't be fixed. I need those meds in order to function or I  become  crazy Georgia. I become the girl who gives herself away for no  reason.  The girl who does drugs and doesn't care about shit. The girl  who stays  up for days on end and then crashes hard for weeks. You don't  want that.  No one in their right mind wants that."

He stepped toward me and I flinched at the anger in his eyes. "How the   hell do you know what I want? You haven't asked. You've already   decided."

"Do you want to be with someone who tried to kill herself? And I'm not   talking about some lame ass attempt. I'm talking about the real deal and   the only reason I'm standing here today is because of fate. Because my   stupid roommate forgot her stupid cell phone."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out and I think he finally realized how truly screwed up I was.

"Do you want to be with someone who spent six months in mental   institution? Huh? A girl who's been arrested? That's a real nice girl to   bring home to your Nana, don't you think?"

He just shook his head.

"You want a family one day, don't you?"

"What? Of course I do."

"Well I don't. I refuse to have kids." My voice broke and the tears   started for real. They slid down my face, the hot salty tracks stinging   as I stared up into the face I would love forever. "Not when they could   turn out like me or my mom. No fucking way."                       
       
           



       

I tried to stop the tears but they flowed harder and my body began to shake from exhaustion.

When Ben took that final step and wrapped me into his arms I couldn't   push him away. Not in that moment. I needed him in order to get to the   next one.

Eventually my tears subsided and we got there, to the next moment but it   was one I dreaded. I pushed against him until he released me and I  took  a step back, a little unsteady, but at least I didn't end up on my  ass.

"I can't see you anymore, Ben. This was never going to work. I'm sorry."

My eyes fell to the floor because I wasn't brave enough to look him in   the eye. His boots were scuffed and I noticed mud or splashed beer on   the cuff of his jeans.

"So that's it," he said.

I nodded.

"Do you honestly think I'm just going to walk away?"

"You have to Ben."

"Is that what you really want?" I had to look away because I couldn't stand to see the hurt in his eyes.

"I want you to be happy and there's no happy for you and me."

"That's fucking lame."

"It's all I got." My voice broke and I pressed my fingers to my trembling lips.