CHAPTER ONE
LILLY
“My name isn’t really Lilly Parker.” The words hang between us. My pulse hammers in my ears as I watch his expression. “It’s Elizabeth Sampson.” He watches me carefully. His face is a mixture of surprise and confusion. I wait, but he says nothing. The air is suddenly heavy, and I feel as though my lungs are faltering. Time seems to stop as I wait for his response. Everything hangs on his next words. The silence is killing me. “Theo, say something.” I whisper.
A deep frown mars his features. “Why would you lie about that?”
I bite my bottom lip and sigh heavily. Time to tell him my sorry story. “I didn’t lie to you, my name is Lilly Parker…now.”
I watch as comprehension registers on his face. “So you changed your name?” I nod. “Why?”
“That…is the million dollar question.” I mumble. “Why does anyone change their name?”
His blue eyes lock with mine. “Because they’re hiding.”
“Exactly.”
There’s a long beat of silence. “When did you change your name?” He asks carefully. I glance away from him. Fuck I hate talking about this shit. I need to tell him though. This is the moment, the moment where I can either take the plunge, and trust him, or walk away. His eyes meet mine, and I can see the steady devotion in his blue depths. I can’t walk away, so I really have no choice. Was there ever a choice with him? It feels as though this point was inevitable. He was always going to back me into a corner eventually. He was never going to just let me walk away. Maybe he’ll wish he had when he hears what I have to say. Complicated does not even begin to describe me.
He’s leant forward, listening intently as though he may miss some small, vital piece of information. He’s desperate for something I’ve never given him before.
“When I was fourteen, when we were running.”
His brow creases in a frown. “Why were you running?”
I sigh. “Okay, that’s…that’s a long and sorry story. Before I tell you, I need to ask something of you.” He nods slowly. “Just don’t feel sorry for me, don’t feel bad about it. You can’t change it any more than I can, and I can’t stand pity.” I drop my eyes from his. “Especially not from you.” I whisper. I feel as though brick by brick, I’m slowly relinquishing my beloved fortress. I feel stripped and exposed. There is nothing I hate more than feeling vulnerable. I fight the urge to throw my walls back up, a reaction honed over years.
He swallows heavily and looks away. “You know I can’t promise that.” He’s right. I can’t expect him to feel nothing, and I can’t ask it of him.
I nod. “Okay, well, try?” He gives a quick jerk of his head.
I press my lips together and stare at a spot on the sofa. Where to begin? Jesus. “When I was five my dad died in a car crash. Up until then, we were just a normal family, you know.” Once the words start coming, I can’t stop. I just need to get it out, I need him to know. “When my dad died, everything changed. I really think he was the love of my mother’s life.” I glance at him. He’s focused on me completely. “When he died, she just stopped. She stopped living, stopped caring…about herself or anything around her. Her coping mechanism was alcohol. She couldn’t get through a single day without a drink. I thought that she would grieve, that she would move past it eventually, and get better. And so, with an optimism only a child can possess, I waited for her to get better. She never did.” I take a deep breath, this is where the story takes a dark turn.
Theo touches my cheek gently. “It’s okay, sugar, remember, there is nothing you could tell me that could change the way I feel about you.” He smiles. I hope to god that’s true.
“When I was eight, she met Shane.” I blurt. Just saying his name makes me feel physically sick. “She picked him up in some bar somewhere. He was a thirty something merchant banker on the rise. She was a lonely, drunk woman with a large bank balance, thanks to my dad’s life insurance. Within two months he was living in the house. At first he had very little to do with us. Mum still fed us, looked after us, but things went downhill fast.” I pause, trying desperately to hold onto my resolve. Theo is the good in my life. He can be an arse, but he makes me feel beautiful and special, and untouchable. He looks at me like I’m the world. This is the tainted ugly part of me that I never wanted him to see, and I feel like I’m ripping my chest wide open just so he can get a real good look at it all. I have to trust him with this though. I have to trust that he loves me enough to see past the ugliness. I meet his eyes, which are trained on me. “Shane was far from what he first appeared to be. He was abusive, violent, and had a seriously short temper. Jane became his own personal punching bag. Within three months her daily alcohol intake became hourly. She couldn’t physically be sober. She never kicked him out though.” I have to smirk at that. Who would take that? Weakness, it’s a poison. “And when she was passed out drunk twenty hours a day, then he would turn on Harry and me.” I watch as Theo’s jaw clenches so hard it looks as though the muscle in his cheek is about to jump out. I say nothing as I watch him try and get a handle on things. I’ve had years to deal with this, and I’m still angry about it, not for myself, but for Harry. The hardest thing to endure in life, is knowing that someone you love has been hurt. I can relate to that.