I may be tainted, but I still have some dignity. I don’t want his pity. I knew this might change things, so this needn’t come as a surprise. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt. I’ll just release him from any pity fuelled obligations he thinks he may have, and be on my way. I wish it were that easy, but this is killing me. It seems that no matter how hard I try to rise above my past, it will always destroy me. Just when I think I’ve found my way out, it creeps up and drags me back down.
I stand up and make my way to the patio doors. I stand in the doorway for a minute just watching him for what will probably be the last time. I approach him, but he doesn’t move.
I have no idea what to say. “Theo, I’m sorry.” He says nothing, just keeps his back to me. “Look, you have no obligations here. I get that you probably don’t feel the same way about me now. I wouldn’t.” I force the words out through my tightening throat, though they leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The familiar feelings of disgust and self-hatred wrap around me, making me want to scream. I hate being this person.
“Fuck!” He turns his body around to face me. He leans back and grips the railing tightly. When he lifts his head, his eyes are brimming with tears, his face streaked with them. He’s a mess. Oh my god. He stares me down for long seconds before he finally speaks. “Are you serious right now? Do you really think that little of me?” His face is contorted in an angry grimace. His body trembles as he grips the railing so hard that his knuckles turn white. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s always so implacable, so unshakeable.
I feel like I’m being burned alive and he’s burning right along with me. My pain shouldn’t be his pain. I don’t want this. “I…I’m sorry.” I gasp, my voice breaking.
His eyes snap to mine and widen. “Fuck Lilly, don’t you dare fucking apologise.” His voice is ragged, his anger and pain mixing violently. I can feel the tension radiating off him from here. “This isn’t your fault. I just…this is hard.” Hard? That’s a bloody understatement.
“Theo.” I whisper. I can’t find the words to say to him. I genuinely have nothing, so I stand there mutely, feeling pathetic and weak. Shit, I can’t just drop this on him and say nothing. I shake my head as a lump forms in my throat. I need him. I feel like I’m splintering apart, but so is he. I clench my fists hard, stabbing my nails into my palms, I try to focus on the pain to pull myself together. I can’t fall apart now.
As always though, it’s him that holds me together. Before I can do anything, he closes the space between us, and pulls me into his arms. He holds me so tight I can barely breathe. “Don’t apologise. Not for this. Not for the actions of a monster.” He whispers. I can feel his warm breath on my hair. I wrap my arms around his big body and cling to him. He’s physically trembling. If this is him shouldering my pain, sharing the load, then I don’t want it.
After a long time he loosens his grip. “Are you okay?” His hands smooth over my hair, my face, my neck. He stares at me as though I may break at any given moment.
“I’m fine.” I say hoarsely. My emotions are going haywire. I don’t even know what I feel any more. I’m just…drained.
There’s a long silence as he studies my face. I can almost hear the wheels turning in his mind, the questions bubbling on his lips.
“What happened to him?” He asks in a barely audible whisper. I want to tell him the truth, I really do, but I can’t. I just…can’t.
“I don’t know. We left the night Harry found out about everything.” That’s true, in part. “As soon as he knew what Shaun was doing, he took me and we ran.” That is true, in part.
“He had no idea?” He asks.
I shake my head, meeting his eyes. He seems more together now. He’s almost back to being the unshakable man I know. There are a few cracks in his armour, and I have a feeling there may be for a while. If there’s one thing I know about Theo, it’s that I am his weakness, and I just knocked him on his arse with this blow. I feel awful, I never wanted him to have to shoulder this burden. My life is ruled by my past, by my secrets, but I don’t want it to be. I want to let Theo in, in every way. I need to be able to bare my ugliest scars to him and know that he still loves me, that he can accept the not so pretty version of me. No more protecting myself. I can’t keep running from him, and dodging the hard stuff for fear of being hurt. I can’t keep trying to shut him out. We’ve danced around this for too long. Enough is enough. If I love him and he loves me, then there should be no barriers. I’m committed to this, and that means trusting him with the hard truths of my life.