I need to rein in my anger, remain strong. I can’t change anything, all I can do is try to fix the things that can be fixed.
I won’t let Lilly suffer any more than she already has, and I won’t let her down. Harry has played an enormous role in her life, he’s more than her brother, he’s everything to her. As long as she has him, she will remain strong, but without him… Fuck, if he goes to prison, what will happen to her?
“Why did you never tell me Lilly?” I ask, turning around. She’s staring at a spot on the breakfast bar.
There’s a long pause before she answers. “There were times when I wanted to. I tried to. How many times have I told you I’m broken?” She still doesn’t look at me.
I tilt my head. “Lilly…”
She cuts me off. “I didn’t tell you because it’s horrible.” She says bluntly.
“It’s your past Lilly. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s part of you.”
She sighs and looks up at me from under her lashes. “I’m tainted Theo, damaged goods in every possible way. That’s not something that you willingly share with someone you love. You make me feel strong, unsullied, beautiful. I didn’t want you to see how much I am none of those things.” Shit.
“Lilly, you are all of those things and more. This doesn’t change that, in fact it just confirms it. To have gone through all that you have, and still be as strong as you are…it’s amazing. I’m in awe of you.”
She dips her head and says nothing. She is so strong, so impenetrable, and yet there have always been those fine cracks in her steel armour. I’ve always known they were there. Her actions highlighted them, and yet I never saw the cause of it.
I feel like an idiot. All the times that she ran, the court case, her reactions…it was all there. If I’d looked harder I might have seen it. Am I so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t care to look? The situation with her mum. It was so obvious, and yet I paid the woman off and sent her on her merry way, no questions asked. If her mum knew about the abuse why would she come back?
“Lilly, did your mum know what was going on?” I ask. I can’t leave this. I paid the woman to leave, not knowing any of this. I certainly wouldn’t have been giving her money had I known. And to top it all off, she fucking gets Harry arrested. She has a hell of a lot to answer for.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. She knew he hit us.” She bites her lip. “She would apologise to us.” Her eyes go distant. “For the brief moments she wasn’t trashed, she would seem like this okay person, you know? As a kid, I always loved her. She was my mum. The few times when she was with it, she would brush my hair, and tell me stories. For the sake of those memories, I prefer to think that she didn’t know. Harry didn’t know, and he was looking out for me.” She drops her eyes. She looks embarrassed. “I know that’s stupid right? I mean, what kind of person takes regular beatings, and knows that her kids are getting the same treatment, but stays anyway?” I watch as a spark of age old anger reaches her eyes. Anger and resentment.
I know, because I felt a similar resentment toward my own mother. Her failings pale in comparison to Lilly’s mother, but the feeling of rejection is the same. I remember seeing a therapist when I was eighteen. I beat the shit out of a kid at college, again. The only way that they wouldn’t press charges is if I saw a therapist. I thought it was a load of bollocks at the time, but what the guy said turned out to help me a lot. He told me that there is no greater pain than the rejection of a parent. He said that it was the ultimate heartbreak, the most brutal betrayal, and that people who experience it, will often never really know real heartbreak in relationships, because no rejection will ever be as painful. That was true, until Lilly. I went through life feeling nothing, and caring for no-one. It hardened me in a way that made me emotionally invincible. Until Lilly.
“It’s okay to be angry Lilly, and you shouldn’t be ashamed because you once loved her. Children love their parents, that’s normal. What is not normal, is for a woman to just check out and leave her kids in the hands of a fucking psycho.”
She twists her fingers together in front of her on the breakfast bar. “She’s weak.” She says in a small voice. “She always has been. Weakness is poison.”
“Weakness is human, Lilly.” I say quietly. She hates weakness. It’s like she has to be strong all the time, even in front of me.
She raises her head, and those wide green eyes meet mine. “When you have children, weakness is something you cannot afford.” She purses her lips. “If you aren’t prepared for that, then you shouldn’t have them.” She says in an icy tone.