Sinful Nights(71)

Sit down.'

His voice was harsh, and she obeyed it automatically, looking at him  with shocked, bewildered eyes as he poured her a fresh cup of coffee and  brought it over to her.

You've had a bad shock,' he told her curtly, and you're feeling the effects of it. It happens to all of us at times.'

I'm all right.' Her lips pressed tightly together, panic surging through her at the thought that he was aware of her weakness.

For God's sake, what is it about you that won't allow you to turn to  anyone for help? Independence is fine, Claire, but there is such a thing  as taking it to extremes, or is it just me? Is it the thought of me  helping you that makes you react like this?'

I  … ' Her throat seemed to have seized up. She swallowed and managed to say painfully, I don't like being beholden to anyone.'

I don't believe I'm hearing this! Beholden? It's positively Biblical!  I'm the one who's beholden to you, Claire, not the other way round. When  I brought you back here last night, I felt as thought I were dragging  you here against your will; every time I come within arm's length of  you, you cringe away as though you think I'm about to commit rape!'

He stopped when he saw her face. Coming on top of everything else it was  too much. She started to shake so violently that she spilled her  coffee.

What is it? What did I say?'

Jay took the cup from her, careful not to get too close to her, but she was barely aware of him.

Claire, what is it? Surely you don't think I'd hurt you in some way, do you?'

She shook her head.

Then what is it?' He frowned. Lucy's father?' His eyes narrowed. Is it your husband, did he  … '

She felt the bubble of hysterical laughter well up inside her like a painful lump.

There was no husband  …  I was never married  …  Lucy  …  I was raped on my  way home from school when I was eighteen. My parents had just died  …  I  was still living in the house. I never saw his face; he came up behind  me and knocked me out. When I came round I was in his car. I tried to  stop him, but he  … ' She shuddered tensely, trying to stop the memories  coming back. Afterwards he pushed me out of the car and drove off  … '

Oh my God! The police?'

I never told them. I couldn't tell anyone. Only the doctor when I realised I was pregnant  … '

I would never have guessed. You love Lucy so much.'

I didn't know if I would, not until she was born. But it wasn't her fault.'

And that's why you don't want a husband, is it, Claire-because of what happened?'    

 



 

I don't like men coming anywhere near me. I don't want any sort of  intimate relationship with them. I can't explain it, I.' Claire shook  her head, trying to dispel her disturbing memories.

You don't need to,' Jay told her curtly. I'm not totally devoid of imagination.'

I don't think I can bear it if I lose the cottage. Before we came here  Lucy and I had a council flat  … ' She shuddered again, suddenly feeling  intensely cold. What on earth had prompted her to break down like that?  She had never, ever confided to anyone other than her doctor the true  circumstances surrounding Lucy's conception. She had never wanted to  tell anyone before. The events of that night were something she thought  she had locked safely away.

It was the shock of what had happened to the cottage, of course; but that didn't mitigate her sense of self-betrayal.

I shouldn't have told you,' she muttered, trying to stand up. I  … '

You hate revealing anything of yourself to others, don't you, Claire?  Well, I can sympathise with that.' Jay stood up too, reaching out to  steady her as she trembled. It's a fault I think I share, but I had  hoped that you and I were becoming friends. Friends trust one another; I  want you to feel that you can trust me. You think that what you've just  told me makes you vulnerable to me,' he added, watching the give-away  expression on her face. But I've been equally vulnerable to you-more  so, possibly, and your strength and kindness when Heather was missing  are something I will never forget, and never be able to repay,' he added  quietly. Now go upstairs and get your coat, and then we'll drive down  to the village and see what the situation is with the cottage. Oh, and  Claire,' he added, as she headed for the door, I want you to know that  you and Lucy can stay here for just as long as it takes to get things  sorted out, and before you say a word, it won't be all one-sided. While  you're living here, I'm getting a housekeeper and a nanny for Heather  all rolled into one.'

She couldn't dispute the truth of what he said, but his other  comment-that they could be friends, that they were equally vulnerable to  one another-how true were they?

As she went upstairs she felt curiously empty, as though by telling him  about Lucy she had somehow lost a part of herself. Why had she told him?  To make him angry? To shock him? To gain his pity? She didn't know the  reason.

She wasn't gone very long, and when she came back down she opened the  kitchen door so quietly that it was several seconds before he realised  she was back. He was standing in front of the window and she could see  his expression quite clearly. There was a bleakness about his mouth that  made something deep inside her ache, and then he saw her, and his  expression changed, the bleakness hidden away.

Ready? Come on, then. We'll collect the girls on our way.'

Not even the sparkling perfection of the blue and gold autumn day could  alleviate the stunning shock of seeing the cottage by daylight.

Darkness had somehow softened the reality of the carnage the falling  branch had caused, but now, in the bright sunshine, nothing could  disguise the huge hole in the roof, or the smaller one in the front  wall. A pile of shattered roof slates lay in the front garden, the whir  of saws as council workers busied themselves clearing as much of the  mess as they could blurring into a dull, numbing sound as Claire stared  helplessly at her home.

Wait here a moment.' For once she didn't move away as Jay touched her arm. I'll check to find out if it's okay to go inside.'

It was too much of an effort to protest that he had no need to do these  things for her-that she was perfectly capable of doing them herself.  Instead she simply stood numbly where he had left her. Mrs Vickers came  out of her house.

Thank goodness you weren't here!' The old lady shook her head. My  daughter came round last night after it happened. She wanted me to go  home with her, but I wouldn't. I've lived here all my life and I'm not  moving out now,'

Jay came back. It's safe to go inside, just as long as we're careful. I'll come with you.'

Something strange had happened to Claire. She felt too numb to object to  his assumption of control. Mrs Vickers offered to keep an eye on Lucy  and Heather, and so, trying to conceal her inner trembling, Claire  followed Jay into the house.

A film of dust covered everything, particles of it still swirling in the air, making her gasp for breath.

On the far side of the room was the small desk where she kept all her  important papers. Her insurance policy was in it, and yet she found  herself reluctant to move towards it.    

 



 

You'll need enough clothes to last you for quite some time. Pack as  much as you can,' Jay told her. I'll wait down here for you. Just give  me a shout if you need help.'

Even in the midst of her shocked anguish Claire recognised his awareness  of her need to be alone. She wanted to thank him, but somehow the words  just wouldn't come.

Her suitcases had once belonged to her parents. They were old and  battered, and she filled them automatically, emptying drawers. Luckily  most of Lucy's clothes were stored in her own room.

Lucy's room. Like a sleepwalker she dropped the pile of underwear she  was putting in the case and walked slowly towards the other bedroom. The  door was slightly open; she pushed it and walked in.

The two small beds were broken, crushed beneath the weight of the heavy  branch. Dust and debris covered the once immaculate duvets that she had  made with such love and care. Half a dozen or so slates had fallen  through the roof and ceiling on to the beds.

She must have made a sound without being aware of it, because just as  the full horror of what might have happened struck her and her body  started to convulse in shocked waves of reaction Jay pushed open the  bedroom door.

She had a fleeting glimpse of that same bleak expression on his face,  intensified this time, and then she was in his arms, her face pressed  against his shoulder.

Come on-it's all right. They're both safe, Claire. Nothing happened.'

She wasn't aware of him as a man in those moments as she let her body  absorb the strength of his; he was just someone who shared and  understood her anguish.

But it could have done. I knew the roof needed attention. I  …  If something had happened, it would have been my fault!'

Hysteria built up inside her. She started to cry, hard, gulping sobs  that tore painfully at her chest. She hadn't cried for years, not since  her parents died, but there had been no one to comfort her then, no Jay  to hold her in his arms and tell her that everything was all right.