Sinful Nights(72)

If you hadn't been coming home this weekend! If  … '

Stop it! I know what you're going through. Do you think I didn't go  through hell myself when Heather went missing; do you think I didn't  hate and blame myself? Come on. Finish packing your things and then  we'll go.'

Suddenly she felt acutely self-conscious, and her body tensed within the  protective circle of his arms. As though he sensed her feelings he  released her immediately stepping back from her.

As he turned away he added casually, If you know where your insurance  policy is it might be a good idea to collect that as well. I could get  my broker to have a look at it for you if you like. Sometimes they're in  a better position to bring pressure to bear than we mere individuals.'

He was being tactful, Claire knew, giving her time to recover herself.  This emotional side of her nature was something she had held rigorously  in check since the death of her parents, and the trauma of being raped  and then discovering that she was pregnant had forced her to become even  more self-sufficient. She and Jay shared that need to protect  themselves from being hurt, she recognised as she finished her packing;  in many ways they were alike, each sensing within the other a  deep-rooted fear, hers of physical intimacy, his of emotional intimacy.

He was waiting for her when she went back downstairs. Okay now?'

She nodded her head. Yes, I'm fine. Fate seems to be smiling on the  pair of us recently,' she added wryly. If you can call losing the roof  over your head that.'

Well, they say good things go in threes.'

Claire grimaced. I can hardly wait.'

An odd expression that she couldn't define crossed his face. What was he  thinking about? His ex-wife? What business of hers was it if he was?

SO YOU DON'T THINK the insurance company will pay up?'

They were sitting in Whitegates' elegant, but to Claire's eyes sterile,  drawing-room. Lucy and Heather were upstairs in bed, and she and Jay had  just gone over her insurance policy.

Her heart sank as he shook his head gravely. I don't think so, but of course, I'll get my broker to check.'

Claire shivered, hugging her arms round her slim body. Without any money  from the insurance company, how on earth was she going to pay for the  damage to be put right?

Of course, you know that you and Lucy are welcome to stay here for just as long as is necessary.'

It was a kind offer, but she didn't feel at all at home in this elegant,  sophisticated house. She was terrified that Lucy might break something  or leave muddy footprints on the off-white carpet. No wonder Heather was  considerably less exuberant than her own daughter!    

 



 

I have to go back to Dallas on Wednesday. I'll give my broker a ring first thing Monday morning and see what he can sort out.'

Claire immediately felt guilty. You've got enough problems of your own without taking on mine as well.'

It's no problem  …  and I owe you a few favours.'

How long will you be away this time?'

Only a few days. I'm hoping to get a final signature on a very large contract.'

Claire knew now that Jay's firm created reproduction Adam-style  mouldings and Tudor-style panelled interiors, replicas in every detail  of those made by master craftsmen in the past. There was a booming  market for his products in America, especially in Texas, where they were  enjoying a vogue, but the partner who had left the firm when he married  Jay's ex-wife had been the salesman of the team, and Claire knew that  Jay was now looking for someone to take his place-preferably an American  with an entrée into the sort of society where the company's products  found their best market.

Once that's organised I can get down to doing some interviewing. I need  an American based rep, then I can concentrate on the manufacturing side  of the business over here.'

Have you thought of setting up a factory in the States?'

Yes, but it wouldn't work as well. The fact that our products are  British gives them an added cachet. We're not just selling Adam-style  décor, or Elizabethan libraries, we're selling something our customers  can boast about to their friends.'

It was pleasantly relaxing sitting here with him like this. Claire found  him fascinating to listen to and was genuinely interested in the way he  had built up his business, so that when he said casually, Claire, I  want to talk to you  …  about  …  about the man who raped you,' she was  taken completely off guard.

No, don't run away.' His fingers curled round her wrist, holding her in  her chair as she tried to stand up. I'm not prying or asking out of  any prurient curiosity. I just think it would help you to talk about  it.'

Therapy, you mean? Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to talk about it.' She tried to pull away but did not succeed.

Have you ever tried?'

How could she? There had never been anyone to talk to about it. Her  parents had been killed; her shock and horror after it had happened had  been so great that she had simply gone home and shut herself in her  bedroom for days, not eating, not sleeping, not doing anything. And then  afterwards, when the reality of it had sunk into her, she had been too  …   Too what? Ashamed? Yes, there had been a sense of shame and of guilt,  although why she had no idea. She had done nothing to encourage the man,  nothing at all. He had physically abducted her, raped her and then  thrown her out of his car like a used doll.

I haven't pried into your private life, Jay, and I  … '

I'm not prying. Before you were raped, had you had any sexual experience at all?'

Claire's shudder gave her away, and this time when she stood up he stood too.

I don't have to stay here and listen to this, Jay.'

No, you don't, but one day you're going to have a teenage daughter  who's going to want to talk to you about sex. How are you going to cope  with that, Claire? Do you want her to inherit you inhibitions and  fears?'

She swallowed hard. How on earth had he known how much that very dread  haunted her: that she would infect Lucy with her own sickness?

What is it about what happened that you find hardest to come to terms with?'

My own guilt.'

The words were out before she could stop them, an expression of  anguished despair flooding her eyes as she realised what she had said.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. You know that.'

Rationally perhaps she did, but emotionally  …

And because of that sense of guilt you've refused to allow yourself to feel any emotion for any other man-is that it?'

It was part of it; the major part, perhaps.

You're a young and very attractive woman; haven't you ever wondered-'

No.'

Her sharp denial cut across what he had been going to say.

I wasn't about to make you a proposition,' he said grimly.

Claire looked at him. No, I know that. It's just that I can't even talk  about the intimacy of a physical relationship with someone without  remembering him.'

Because what he did to you patterned your sexual responses,' Jay told  her quietly. Claire, there's something I want to talk to you about.'    

 



 

What on earth was he going to say? She watched as he walked over to a cupboard and poured them both a brandy.

She took a sip when he handed her the glass, feeling the raw spirit slide down her throat.

When I said I wasn't going to proposition you, I meant it, but I do  have a proposal to put to you. Neither of us, for differing reasons,  wants the intimacy of a marriage based on the current concept of what  marriage should be-neither of us want the physical or emotional  commitment such a marriage involves. But there are other types of  marriages: marriage entered into between two people who have other  things to offer one another. Recently I've been giving it a lot of  thought, and I believe that you and I could make such a marriage work.  No, listen to me,' he demanded, when she started to protest. I need  someone to look after Heather, but whoever I found could never give her  the love she's already getting from you. I admit that when I first  realised how attached to you she was getting I resented it, but you can  give her something I can't and I can give you and Lucy something you  can't-security financially. He paused. I'm not going to ask you to give  me your answer now, but I want you to think about it while I'm away. I  can promise you that sexually you'll never need to fear anything from  me.'

Claire stared at him. He didn't strike her as a man who lived like a  monk, and as though he had read her mind, he said sardonically, I had  an extremely satisfying sexual relationship with Susie, Claire, if  that's what you're wondering, and if I want sex there are plenty of  women who will oblige me. You needn't worry that I might embarrass you  by indulging in a series of affairs, either; I won't.'

No, he wouldn't do that. All those overseas trips would no doubt provide  more than adequate opportunities for relieving any sexual frustration  he might experience.

I don't know what to say  … '

She knew what she ought to be saying if she'd any sense. She ought to be  telling him that what he was suggesting was unthinkable.

I don't want you to say anything right now. I want you to think about what I've said, that's all.'

If  …  if I agreed. Would we  …  would we live here?'