Razorblade Kisses(92)
“That part,” Tim said as he leaned in and wiped away a tear that Emery hadn’t realized had escaped.
“You’re right,” she blurted before she could change her mind. “You’re right about everything. I’m a liar. I don’t know if I could be with someone like me either.”
Tim’s eyes widened at her admission.
“It’s just…I don’t know if you’ll want me when you hear the truth, either, or that I’ll be safe or th—”
“Emma,” Tim interrupted her. He grabbed her arm pulled her close to him.
“I don’t want to see that change in your eyes when you look at me,” she said, her voice barely audible. “I know you’ll feel sorry for me. I don’t want that. Rachel changed.” A bag of trash floated past them; she stared at it until it vanished, transfixed. “I do it too when I read and hear stories about all the kids on my caseload.”
She knew that this was it. This was the decision she’d been dreading: Tim or continuing to run, keeping her circle tight.
Emery untangled herself from him and walked to the riverbank, standing precariously on the edge. One misstep and she’d be falling into the water. When she felt his presence behind her, she started talking calmly, not looking at him.
“Only two people know this and I haven’t told anyone in four years. I…” she paused, taking a deep breath. “I was abused for years…” She fidgeted with her shirt. “No, that’s not true. I was raped, r-routinely, from when I was thirteen until I ran away from home at sixteen. I’ve been running since then. I feel the pain of it every day. I don’t know if I would know I was alive if I didn’t feel pain. I work to help kids so they won’t…” Her voice cracked. “I just want to help one kid. I’m so broken and fucked up and no one knows me except for Rachel and Derrick. I’m afraid that when I turn around and look at you, everything will have changed. I’m afraid that I’ve mistakenly let you into my life and I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t supposed to. My life is running and hiding and pain. That’s all I had, until you. I think…”
She felt his hands take hers and wrap his fingers around them. She exhaled. “I’m afraid of everything,” she whispered.
Emery was pulled into those now-familiar arms that wrapped tightly around her body. His lips grazed her ear as he whispered into her hair, “I love you.”
She closed her eyes. Hope tiptoed down her throat and dove into her belly, causing goose bumps to spread across her entire body.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Realization
Emery sipped her coffee and watched the leaves fall from the trees against the backdrop of the gray sky. She couldn’t write her letter to Noah today. It was eye opening, the fact that she didn’t have the thoughts of him. She’d either run out of ways to say she was sorry or she was looking forward. That made her scared, the looking forward. For so long, there was no forward, only to the side. She sidestepped through life and moving forward meant mistakes. She couldn’t make mistakes. Emery was scared of the feelings she was allowing herself to feel, and so scared that she’d been stupid yesterday by telling Tim almost everything and especially what happened next.
She picked up her phone and called Rachel, ready for the cussing she was about to hear.
“Hey, bitch,” Rachel answered.
“You sure are chipper before noon.”
“I’ve been awake for a while, thank you very much. I’m getting ready for my interview tomorrow with a huge party planning company in Atlanta.”
“That’s exciting. Good luck, even though I know you won’t need it.”
“Well, I need all the luck I can get for this one, I think. They do parties for celebrities and all that shit, so I need to get my game face on.”
“Do you ever not have your game face on?”
“Only if I have my O face on.” Rachel burst out laughing and Emery joined her.
“You’re crazy,” Emery commented through her fits of laughter.
“You love it.”
“I do.”
“To what do I owe this morning phone call?”
“Well, I need to tell you something and I think you might yell at me.”
“You’re going to ruin my good mood?” Rachel whined. “I don’t want to know.”
“Okay,” Emery sighed.
There was a comfortable silence.
“Throw it at me.” Rachel’s voice had lost some of its enthusiasm.
“I told Tim last night.”
Silence.
“I mean not everything, of course, and I don’t know why I did. I just felt like I needed to, to keep him away, you know. I don’t deserve him and wanted him to see that...”