Never Been Kissed(110)

“Do you like apples?”

“No. You’re not going to use movie quotes to get yourself out of this one.” She points the remote at me like it’s the Elder Wand. “We’re going to watch some show like civilized people and I’m going to pretend I don’t want to throat punch you. Good plan, no?”

I shake my head, and keep looking at the screen. My cell is calling me, like a black hole sucking all my attention, just sitting there on the counter. I just stare at it when I think Katie isn’t looking. If I had Jedi mind powers, I could use the Force to bring it to my hand without having to get up and go to the kitchen counter, where I left it.

I want to read what he wrote me, but I don’t want to read what he wrote me. His words have the seductive potential of changing my mind, and I’m not sure that’s in my best interest. What if he hurts me again? What if, after I read his texts, he chooses Alysha anyway?

What if?

“Take a chance, Sera,” Katie says from my right, catching me in the act of staring at my phone. “This is as low as you can go. Kinda freeing, isn’t it? And I’ll be here to pick you up, if need be. Promise.”

I nod, throat thick with some kind of emotion I don’t want to give a name to. I get up from the couch, snag my phone, then take my place back. Katie keeps flicking through channels, giving me a small amount of privacy.

I open one of his texts and begin to read:

I know what it looked like, trust me. If you’d done the same thing to me, I’d be climbing the fucking walls. I deserve this, whatever punishment you’re going to give me, I do. I should never have started anything with you, Sera. It was selfish and an asshole thing to do.

I was being an asshole those first few times we were together – I wanted you to stay away. I knew what you were, I knew what you could be to me with one look at your shirts, and the smile, and the book in your hand and how you were oblivious to everything else in the world, even me.

The only words I can offer you are I’m sorry. Two words, seven letters. Nothing special, right? But just know that I really mean them, more than I’ve meant anything in my entire life.

I wish we could have had more time. I could’ve explained everything to you, and not played you from the beginning. I’m not Matty’s biological father. He was my sister’s, and her name was Jules. She died three years ago when Matty was one. She died when she was twenty-five, the same age as you are now.

Seems like a sick twist of fate, right? I don’t think I ever told you how much I believe in that shit. Something out there put you in my path, showed me what a good woman could do for a fucked up guy like me. How she could make him want to be better for her, for his nephew who calls him Dad.

I just want you to know the truth.

Aly and I were done the day after you took me to the hospital. She tried talking with my Mom about our situation. Our parents knew each other when they were growing up, and me and her, we’ve been groomed for an imminent marriage with all the finesse of a business transaction. No matter how many women I had in between, or how many guys she’s fucked instead of me. And she’s freaking out, especially now that her parents are broke and her blow money’s running out.

Yeah, she does drugs. I used to, too. She was the one who gave me my first hit when I found out about my diabetes, when I was eighteen. I felt like she was the only person I could turn to, and I loved her, or thought I did. All my friends looked at me differently, and the pity in their eyes, I wanted to rip them out of their sockets. Funny thing about pity is, it’s still there, whether you see it or not. You feel it on your skin, and it gets stuck in your head.

So Aly and I have history. Like I told you, baby, I’m nothing but a cock and an impending orgasm for her. You, you make me feel like I could be so much more. My sugar was spiking last Friday when we fought. I ran hard for an hour at the gym, trying to get it down as much as I could. It dropped, and I was out of it until I could get my head in gear to get to the hospital.

Mostly I was ashamed. That I let you take my kid to the hospital without me. That you were right about everything, that I’m not a good Dad. So I called Aly in a moment of stupidity.

Didn’t even take a little convincing to drive me over, while her hand tried to get into my jeans, and down my boxers. I’m sorry, but you have to believe I nearly broke her hand when she did that. You have to know that. I only want you. Only you, Sera. Nerdy shirts and all. Reading my boy Harry Potter every night, and smiling at me from my bed every morning, even kicking me out, ‘cause you’re body temperature goes out of whack when I’m close by.