Never Been Kissed(106)
The invisible wound in my chest widens to hold a Matty-shape in it, because I’ve lost him, too. I’ve lost the only two people that other than my friends, made me feel like I belonged. God, God, God why did I let them mean so much to me, when I knew this was going to happen?
I swallow my misery, and once in my apartment, I lock the door and decide to take a hot shower. I let myself crumple to the ground in the shower, and wish with all my might that I could erase all the wonderful times we had together, all the sweet things he said to me – even if they were lies and I let myself believe him.
God, he absolutely had to have known how little experience I had, and how easy it would be to play me. Well, I did my part and now I’m done. I’m done with Hunter MacLaine, and his son.
I have to say it over and over when I’m done my shower to make myself believe it. I have to say it with such conviction right before I go to sleep so I don’t dream about him. So I don’t dream or think of what could have been, what should have been if I was different, if I was better, prettier, skinnier. If I looked more like Katie, if I was smarter, if I had a better job.
It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll torture myself with the memories tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, until the pain goes away.
***
I’m one of those girls, so completely heart-broken that whenever I try to eat something, it tastes like cardboard so I just don’t bother anymore. I can’t sleep, and when I do, my asshole brain plays all kinds of scenarios, mainly pointing out blatantly what I did wrong.
I know this is wrong behavior to be having. There are always two sides to every single story, and I’m using me as the star of the show. Hunter’s to blame, too. I fraking know this. Still, a part of me wants to go and grovel, and beg, and do all those awful things that my pride says hell, no to.
I find excuses to stay away from the building ‘cause one of these days I’m going to forget that Aly’s probably over at his place, and they’re playing house, and Matty’s there, too and who’s taking care of him while they fuck each other’s brains out? Assholes!
When I’m in my apartment, I punish myself with my spinning bike, pushing myself to spin for sometimes two hours at a time. The minor endorphin high is what keeps me going. And I have the engagement party to go to in two weeks, and they’re all going to know that I fell for it, I fell for the sweet words and his beautiful face, and I fell hard.
What the fuck was I thinking? That I’d get a Happily Ever After? I did, Jesus, I so did.
“Broski!” Katie calls out from my living room as I’m sulking in my bedroom. With as few syllables as possible, I texted Katie why I refused to socialize and wanted to be alone. Her answer was to show up to my place, probably using some flirtation technique I’ve only ever read about to get the lobby door open and into the elevator.
“I have chocolate brownies, and triple chocolate fudge ice cream, and vanilla cupcakes from that bakery you love!” She yells into my silent apartment. Sounds like there’s five people in here instead of two.
I keep looking out the window, replaying all my answers, what I could have said, what I should have said to have kept him still interested in me. I was just an easy mark and the shame of that burns me like a physical wound. Today marks one week since I brought Matty to the hospital and everything fell apart and Hunter cheated on me when he told me he was done with her. Lying bastard.
Poor Matty probably thinks I abandoned him or something. Just like his non-existent mother. And I left him especially after Hunter blew a gasket on his fury-meter. I’m tired of feeling like this. Without work to keep me pre-occupied, this is what I do – I think. I think and think and make myself feel so low, I don’t know how I’ll ever be healed again.
“The bestie is here!” Katie’s voice echoes in my room, but I still keep looking out the window. “Get your fine ass out of that bed, and we’re going to OD on chocolate tonight. And wine. Don’t forget the wine!”
I may have grunted an affirmative.
“Jesus, you look like utter shit. When was the last time you ate?”
I don’t answer, but watch her as she comes into my view, and makes her way in front of the window. Now, I’m looking at her abs and boobs. I don’t have the energy to twist my neck up so we can meet eye-to-eye.
“Sweetie, how can we fix it if your refuse to talk?”
I grunt again, in agreement with her statement.
“Alright then, I see how this is going to go. Move over, I’m coming in.” And she uses her body to scooch me over on my bed, and moves me out of my warm spot, and into a cold one. “How long have you been lying down? Eight days? Oh, but this is so cozy. Come to think of it, I could seriously use a nap, too, if you don’t mind.”