Nerd Girl(120)

“In theory, I agree with you. Remember, I’m the queen of moving forward and getting over being dumped,” I said wryly. Trying to hold back the tears that still wanted to brim over, I felt my face contort. “It feels different this time.”

“Why is that, sweet girl?” he asked gently.

“Well, I think Ryan still loves me.” I inhaled a deep breath as I came to this realization. “I guess … In the past, I knew when a relationship had run its course. I’m too rational, so I usually let my mind take over my heart. When it was over, it was over; I had no problem accepting it.”

Dexter met my gaze. His dark brown eyes were filled with so much compassion that they encouraged me to continue.

“With Ryan, I really thought I was done. I thought this was it. He was the one I wanted to come home to everyday. I thought I finally found him, Dexter. It’s one thing to let someone go because you face the reality that the relationship has run its course. It’s a whole different thing, which is what makes this so hard to swallow, when you know that person is still in love with you, too.” I couldn’t help my bottom lip from quivering and a big teardrop fell from one of my eyes.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie,” he said softly, reaching for my hand. “You know, I’m curious. What if Catherine got better a year from now and Ryan wants you back? Would you go back to him?”

“No,” I said quickly. “I can’t really articulate exactly why; it just feels really wrong to do that.” I thought about it more, trying to understand my own feelings. “I don’t know, maybe I’m too proud. I guess it makes me feel like I’m an inconvenience, rather than someone who deserves to be loved regardless of the circumstances. You can’t choose when to love or stop loving someone.”

My lips pressed into a bitter line. “You know, I’m pissed that he made this decision without me,” I continued. “I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t really have a choice. I’m pissed that I can’t even blame him, either.” I stood up and kicked a pebble away with my foot.

Dexter, being the great friend that he was, sat there listening quietly, nodding and letting me vent.

“You know, I used to wonder if that person was ever out there—’the one.’” I rolled my eyes at the notion and motioned a double quote with my fingers. “I used to wonder if someone like that really existed for me. I always thought how much it sucked that I hadn’t found him yet. Well, it’s worse knowing that he does exist, but due to unanticipated cosmic shitty circumstances, I can’t have him.”

I was done venting. I sat back down and exhaled loudly. I leaned into him, laying my head on his shoulder.

“Julia, I believe in karma, my dear. You are an amazing, beautiful, good person. People like you won’t go through life without someone who deserves your love. There’s a lucky bastard out there and he has no idea yet. I can tell you that he definitely would be happier knowing that you exist.”

I could sense he was smiling, even though I wasn’t looking at him. I didn’t believe him, of course, but I knew he was just trying to make me feel better. “Well, the universe sure owes me,” I said, feeling entitled.

Dexter stood up. “Are you hungry? Ready to go spend a hundred pounds on lunch?”

“Only if you’re paying.” I elbowed him teasingly into his ribs.

As we walked towards the edge of the park, Dexter changed the subject. “So what are you going to do about your job?”

I shrugged, drying the remainder of my tears from my face. “I haven’t thought about it much this week. I’ve been a little preoccupied, in more ways than one.” I looked at him accusingly.

He chuckled. “Walking is good for both your body and soul. Besides, you probably lost a pound or two, huh?”

“There is this thing called the Tube, you know.” We had taken the Tube a handful of times, but if our destination was within a few miles walking distance, Jamie and Dexter always opted to hoof it.

“Julia, I think you should quit MS,” he said, ignoring my comment on our transportation options. “Start with one contract and then start your own consulting company like you want to do. I think you would totally rock at it. What have you got to lose?”

“Thousands of dollars in stock awards,” I said without hesitation.

“Well, there is that. But seriously, why not?”

“You really think so?” For some reason, only now did I really take the idea of leaving MS seriously. “Maybe I will,” I contemplated as we linked elbows and walked into the Ritz.