Nerd Girl(117)

“Julia,” he started.

“What do you want me to say, Ryan?” I asked coldly. “You’ve already decided. So why don’t you just have the balls to say it?”

There was prolonged silence; my question just floated through the air without an answer. And then it hit me. “Wait a minute! You want my … You want my blessing?! You want me to be the one to let you go, don’t you? It kills you to feel like you have a sense of responsibility to me, too. It’s all hunky dory if I make this easy for you.”

Ryan’s shoulders slumped and he exhaled through his nose. The relief I just observed through his body language angered me.

“This is what you wanted me to say, because you don’t have the courage to do it yourself, right?” I accused him. “You’re always the responsible Ryan McGraw, but you also just proved you’re a coward, too,” I said bitterly.

He stood quiet and still for a moment, his lips pressed tightly together. He didn’t defend himself. It killed me that he looked so beautiful and broken standing there without any words to argue against my spiteful accusation.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Julia.” He looked resigned now.

“Too late.”

I finally looked up into his painfully beautiful eyes. I recalled the first time I looked into them, right after the car accident. They were so calming then. Now, all they showed was sadness and regret.

“Jules,” he said gently and reached for my hand.

I reluctantly pulled away. “Then you have it. You’re relieved of your responsibility to me.” My voice sounded dead and emotionless. Tears streamed down my face as I opened his door and walked out.

I didn’t look back.





“Seattle to London, Flight 62, is now boarding all passengers,” announced the SeaTac British Airways intercom. I brought only my backpack and my one carry on suitcase with me. I displayed my plane ticket to the ticket agent, took a deep breath, and walked down the tunnel towards the plane.

After Ryan and I broke up, I spent a day licking my wounds. I cried through the night and most of the day, until Anna came over after work and, being the wonderful sister and best friend she was, brought wine so I could drown my sorrows and have a loving shoulder to cry on.

The next day, I called Dexter and told him I was coming to visit him and Jamie in London. Dexter, who had known me since I was thirteen, had a decent understanding of why. I hadn’t told him all the details, but he knew me well enough to know that I was going to London for therapy.

I was taking a break and sticking my head in the sand and I would deal with all of everything when I got home. I didn’t even bother letting anyone but Anna know I was leaving town. No one at work cared anyways. I didn’t want to upset my mother. And I didn’t give a shit about Ryan at the moment. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay still in Seattle mulling over how I got royally fucked over; I needed to escape to somewhere, if only temporarily. London sounded like a good option.

I found my window seat in first class. I just had my heart broken into a million pieces and if I was going to London for therapy, I thought I might as well go all out and upgrade to a more comfortable seat. It cost me $2400. I tried to ignore the fact that I really should be saving my money, given my soon-to-be-unknown income status, but thanks to my financial advisor, I had enough money saved up to last me comfortably for six months in case of an emergency. I considered this an emergency.

I tried to get comfortable in my seat, put on my headphones and turned on my iPod. I shuffled through the albums and settled on Coldplay because I rarely paid attention to their lyrics. I needed something neutral that wasn’t going to remind me of Ryan; Coldplay worked well for that. I closed my eyes and wondered how I let this happen. I was back to where I started. My life was like Groundhog Day. It had only been five short months since … well, since the last time I was here. In this emotional “here,” not on a plane. I couldn’t even make it six months without a relationship disaster.

I should never have gotten involved with Ryan. I wasn’t even looking to get involved with anyone, for God’s sake. I should’ve walked away after that awful morning when I ran into him and Catherine. Where I found myself today was really my own fault. I had only myself to blame by ignoring my own rules.

Obviously, something must be wrong with me. All in all, I was a healthy, well-adjusted person. I wasn’t mental, nor was I unattractive. I thought I was an intelligent woman with a good head on my shoulders. When I was with Ryan, I didn’t feel less than perfect. He made me feel so … so damn content.