Nerd Girl(116)

He wasn’t looking at me anymore. His eyes were focused on the ferry riding off into the sunset in the distance—how apropos. Then it slowly dawned on me. His tortured face, his physical restraint from touching me or holding me, his avoidance these last couple of days; it was all because Catherine asked him to let me go.

“Wow,” I said, blowing out a big breath. I felt like I had just gotten all the air knocked out of me. I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach. “You’re actually entertaining her request, aren’t you?”

“Catherine is really ill, Julia. She could die from this,” he said with desperation in his voice.

“But you would break up with me?” I was struggling with the fact that Catherine would ask this of him.

He didn’t answer my question.

“She’s manipulating you!” I didn’t mean to, but it came out as an angry outburst.

“Maybe she is. But what am I supposed to say?” He raised his voice now, too. “If I accuse her of that, then I’m a bastard. Julia, she has no one else. Despite my feelings for you, I do love her.”

Ouch. That stung and my face contorted in pain like I had just been slapped.

He then quickly added, “Though not in the same way I love you.”

I saw the remorse in his face as he realized how his words had hurt me. Too late, pal. I could tell he was trying to control his emotions, but he still had fire in his eyes.

“The thought of being without you destroys me.” He grabbed both of my arms, not so gently, to force me to face him. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“So what are you saying, Ryan? Do you want to break up with me? I can’t tell, because you’re confusing as hell right now.” I could feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes. “This scene feels vaguely like déjà vu. Didn’t we already go through this?”

“That was a very different situation, Julia, and you know it,” he said huffily.

“You always have a choice, Ryan,” I spat the words out bitterly from behind gritted teeth.

“I love you,” he said fiercely. “The idea of losing you makes me feel like I can’t breathe.” His eyes welled up again.

“Then don’t do this,” I begged him. “We’ll figure something out. She’s not thinking straight right now.” I shook my head in denial. “Maybe you can give her some time to figure out what she needs. Can you explain to her that she’s being unreasonable or that what she’s asking from you is selfish and unfair?” As I spoke, I couldn’t help feeling like I was the one being selfish and unfair. I wasn’t the one with poisonous cells in my body, trying to kill me. I immediately felt ashamed for even thinking it. “No, don’t answer that,” I said quickly. “I can’t believe this is happening again. I feel sick. If I tell you to choose me, I’m a selfish, cold, heartless bitch. If I tell you to be with Catherine, then I lose you. I can’t win. You get to be the saint, and I get the broken heart.”

Ryan dropped his hands and his shoulders slumped. “She needs the will to live,” he whispered. “I can’t take that from her.” He appealed to me with desperation, hoping I would understand.

How do I argue with that conclusion? Ryan was too good. His whole life, he’d been the responsible one. He’d always taken care of everyone else. That’s why he led a team of two hundred people and growing. That’s why he’d been engaged to a woman he wasn’t in love with. That’s why he moved back to Seattle, despite a promising career in the middle of the dot com boom, to help his mom and sister adjust after his dad died. Ryan wasn’t selfish. Everyone else came before him—everyone except for me. He self-proclaimed the only time he was selfish was when he wanted to be with me. And he couldn’t be selfish about that now. Not when Catherine was dying and I was back to being “the other woman.”

“Wow. She’s not fighting fair, is she? So, instead, you decide to break up with the one that does get to live,” I said quietly.

He looked like I had just slapped him. With his teeth gritted, he said icily, “This is not an easy decision for me.”

“But you’ve already decided, haven’t you?” I asked accusingly.

“No, I haven’t.” He spoke forcefully with his voice but unconvincingly with his eyes.

“Yes, you have,” I said calmly. If he wasn’t going to say it, I was. My heart felt like it was shattering into a thousand pieces. A few unwilling tears escaped my eyes and my lips began to quiver. God, have some dignity, Julia, don’t cry in front of him.