More Than I Wanted(46)

As he turned towards the door, my heart shattered. Watching him walk out the door was one of the most painful experiences in my life. There was nothing I could do to stop him, and I knew I had to let him go. Clinging wouldn’t make it any easier. I swallowed hard and watched as his hand reached for the doorknob.

It felt like slow motion, the movements, the door opening, and then he was gone. The moment he walked out, everything inside of me felt broken. Closing it behind him, I fell to the floor crying, sobbing heavily, and knowing that it was the last time we’d be together for way too long. How could I possibly survive and entire year without him, without his touch, his kiss, his body lying next to mine?

I heard his car start and then head down the driveway. My heart was crushed into tiny pieces. I couldn’t breathe. There was no tomorrow, no one more kiss, it was finished until next year – next year. I knew loneliness would set in, but Austin was worth the wait. I’d never loved a man more.

With my back pressed to the door, I sat and stared at the floor until I had nothing left in me. Slumping to the ground, I stared at the ceiling. After what felt like forever, I finally righted myself and pushed up off of the floor. I’m not sure how I found the strength – I felt nothing but weak in the moment, weak and broken.





Chapter 21





One day turned into the next. I jumped between depression and anger. Anxiety popped in there a few times, mixing it up. The first few days, I barely wanted to get out of bed, but I had to function. Work didn’t stop, life didn’t stop, and I couldn’t as much as I wanted to.

My running, something I desperately needed during this time slowed down. I had so much trouble just getting out of the house in the morning. The days I made the effort before or after work, I felt better, stronger, but then I’d let depression lock me back in the house again.

I was fortunate for the times Austin and I were able to connect via video chat, or when he could call, but there were days I wouldn’t hear from him, and I’d be sick to my stomach waiting to hear his voice. When the phone would ring, or a text would come through, I was giddy with excitement and relieved to hear him once again.

Heather did her best to support me during my emotional time, but she had enough going on. She didn’t need to babysit my feelings. The baby was due in just a few weeks, and she should be celebrating, joyful, not pandering to my rollercoaster of tears. I tried to hold it together the best I could, and saved most of my breakdowns for the privacy of my home, sitting alone.

The day before Heather gave birth, she’d had trouble sleeping. Well, truth be told, she had trouble sleeping a lot near the end of her pregnancy. Only this time, she was on edge and up all night nesting. She figured it would be another sleepless night, just like the others, only this time there was a reason for it. The baby would be here soon!

She woke Scott around four in the morning telling him it was time. She’d felt the contractions starting slowly, but when they were gripping her with force, she was pretty sure she’d be giving birth soon. She was partially right, today was the day, only it was a long process. She didn’t give birth until five in the afternoon. After a daunting labor, Heather and Scott welcomed their daughter into the world.

When Amber Jo was born, I was smitten. Baby AJ was quite possibly the most precious thing I’d ever seen. Holding her, I was amazed with her size. Her tiny feet and hands seemed unbelievably small and sweet. She had this new baby smell, and had the most velvety soft hair I’d ever seen or felt. She was pure perfection. I whispered “I love you” over and over, kissing her sweet cheeks.

“Hey Amber Jo, I’m your Aunt Kate,” I cooed to her.

Heather smiled as I held her daughter. “Isn’t she incredible,” she beamed. She looked tired but happy.

“She’s amazing,” I whispered.

“Thanks for coming up.”

“Like I wouldn’t? When do they set you free?” I asked, snuggling with our new treasure.

“They keep you about twenty-four hours after you give birth; it depends on your insurance. Anyway, I’ll be ready. I’m sure we’ll sleep better at home. I’m exhausted.”

“I’ll bet, you worked hard,” softening my voice, “didn’t your mommy work hard Amber Jo?”

“Do you like the name we chose? We figure we can also call her AJ for a nickname,” she smiled.

“I do, it fits her perfectly.”

It was such a beautiful moment, and for the first time in a long time I felt happy and at ease. “Can I take some pictures to send to Austin?”

“Absolutely,” she said.