More Than I Wanted(16)

When the news came that he’d have to serve another tour, he took it hard. Someone fell off of a roster, and he was used to fill the gap. He had a little over six months notice, but he’d be going back overseas. He wanted to step up and help his unit, but thought he was finished with tours. He’d all ready served two and thought he was done. He was a mix of emotions. He’d finally stabilized after coming back, blending into civilian life, and the thought of having to do it again overwhelmed him. The nightmares had started to subside, or at least happen less often, and he was torn over the mental energy it would take to go back.

He had no inclination to try to get out of it, and knew he’d do his duty. He wasn’t a coward or a quitter, but he wasn’t ready to go back – not so soon. Some guys volunteered and kept going over, but Austin was ready to get out of the military. He didn’t have a choice in the matter, and finally had to make peace with it.

I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to comfort him, but reeled knowing just as I’d fallen in love with the man, he’d be taken away from me for a year. He’d have three months of prep time, and then another nine months abroad. I was stunned, and had to decide where this left us as a new couple.

That gave me with just over six months with Austin, and then I wouldn’t see him for a year. The weight I felt in my heart was like lead. My stomach was sick, and I didn’t know what to do. We were a new couple, and I wasn’t even sure where he stood in this relationship. Would we continue to stay together, or split up and hope when he returned we’d find our way back together?

How much commitment would it require, and was I shooting myself in the foot not being able to date others for an entire year, only hoping he’d come home and still want me. I was confused, scared, and desperately wanted to wake up from this bad dream.

I finally found a wonderful guy, fell in love, and now this. It wasn’t fair. I tried to be strong when I talked to him, but I was falling apart, little pieces of my heart dropping to the floor, uncertain what to do.

It’s not like we’d been a couple for a year or two, we’d only been dating for a few months. My head was spinning, and the more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Half of the time I thought it was smarter to part ways, and not put myself through the pain of losing him, and the other part of me knew I’d always feel like half of a person without Austin in my life.

I knew I had to hash it out with Heather, as much as I had to discuss it with Austin. She’d been through it with Scott and could help me sort through my feelings. She knew me as well as anyone, and I could be honest over my selfish thoughts, as well as my loving ones.

“This is more than I need, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I finally get attached, and I’m going to lose him. I mean, do I stay with him for another six months and let go, or do I hold on…” I was talking too fast, as my thoughts jumbled in my head. I paced, holding my cell phone as I walked, keeping Heather on speaker.

“If I let go, I lose Austin. I’m not ready to lose Austin. I love him. Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud, so yeah, okay, there’s that. I love him. There I said it. And yet, if he’s gone for a year, I’ll be alone, lonely, no boyfriend, and wondering if he’ll even want to get back together when he gets home.”

“Take a breath,” Heather said, listening. “And no surprise, I knew you loved him. You can’t stop talking about him, and if I even say his name, you break out into this massive smile. No secret there, champ.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “He makes me feel,” I stopped myself. “He hasn’t told me yet. This could all be a mute point; he’s never once told me he loves me. Maybe he’s planning on breaking up with me before he goes.”

Heather calmed me down and helped me through it. She knew the panic, the sensations, and this being a newer relationship, she told me about the trade off I’d have to make, dating a soldier. Was our relationship even strong enough, and should we strengthen it or let go?

Austin and I spoke at length about the topic. We could stop seeing each other now, and try to pick up again when we get home, or we could hold out. He said some guys liked to go unattached, while others knew having someone at home gave them something to hold onto. Each guy had his own thoughts on the matter. He had not a clue what he wanted, but knew what he needed. He said he needed me. I told him I wouldn’t let go.

He finally admitted his feelings in bed one evening. Our kisses were tender, and slowly grew more heated and heavy. “I’m going to miss you so much, and I haven’t even left yet. I love you, Kate,” he whispered.