More Than I Wanted(13)

I gently nudged him, hoping to soothe him out of it. He looked so vulnerable in his sleep, and my heart broke for him wondering what plagued him. Was it something he saw when he was away? I nudged a little harder, finally pulling him from it.

“Huh? What?” He sat up, looking around. Turning he looked at me, getting his bearings back. It took him a second, but he realized where he was.

“It’s okay,” I said, stroking his arm, trying to calm him. I hope I did the right thing by waking him.

He sat staring at the wall across from the foot of the bed. Beads of sweat ran down his face, though the room wasn’t overheated. He looked at me and got up. Pacing in the bedroom, he said nothing, and then walked to the bathroom. Was it a mistake? Should I have let him sleep?

I heard quiet crying from the bathroom. I climbed out of bed and went to the door frame. “Do you want to talk?” I hadn’t seen a grown man openly cry in ages, and it tore my heart out.

“I’m fine,” he said, sniffling. “I just need a few minutes. I’ll be out shortly.”

I sat in bed, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. I felt selfish for wanting everything to be perfect out of the gate, but this wasn’t going to be a regular relationship. I knew that, I could feel it deep, and yet, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, and make it all better. I knew I’d weather the storm with Austin, whatever it might be.

When he emerged from the bathroom, he quietly slid back into bed and stared at the ceiling.

“Are you okay?”

“Just par for the course,” he said. “You should go back to sleep.”

I reached over and ran my fingers over him tenderly. My feelings were growing, but I wasn’t sure where to place them, not just yet. I didn’t know how to help him, and felt lost. I wanted to help, but it wasn’t something he was ready to share.

Austin laid there in silence, his arms tucked behind his head, as he stared at the ceiling. I fell asleep at some point, but it pained me knowing he was struggling. On waking I saw he’d finally fallen asleep, and got out of bed as quietly as I could. I stood watching him sleep for awhile, before quietly leaving the room so he could rest.

When I spoke to Heather the next morning, she told me about Scott going through some stuff when he got back from his past tours. She hadn’t told me a lot of this stuff before, and I realized there was more involved to hooking up with Austin than just sex. She promised me it would work itself out, and he’d be worth it, just to give him a little time.

I broached the topic of his marriage asking if she was aware, and Heather meekly admitted she knew that kernel of truth. She was afraid I’d form an opinion before getting to know him. She told me over and over again that he’s divorced. It was awhile ago and she’s no longer in the picture. I guess after enough times of hearing it, I finally believed it.

I scanned the internet after he went home, and searched for pictures and information on Austin and his ex-wife. I didn’t have a lot of time; I still had to get a run in and get to work. I knew it was prying, but I was curious and needed to see what I could find. It took me a little while, but I finally dug up an old picture that was online, some bridesmaid from the wedding had their picture up with their names and was blogging about what went wrong. Seriously? Friends do that shit? Note to self, watch who your friends are.

My stomach hurt seeing his wife, ex-wife. She was gorgeous, a brunette with red highlights, long hair past her shoulders, petite features, and obviously prettier than me. I suddenly felt small, not good enough, and hated myself for having looked for things in the first place. It’s not my business; I shouldn’t be digging for information. Be careful what you ask for, because you just might find it… and there I sat, disgusted with myself, and realizing his ex-wife was prettier than I am. Not a great place to be.

Her name was Emily, and her friend was obviously bitter against Austin. Screw her. How dare she do that to her supposed friends, and say mean things about him. It made me bitter, but I couldn’t stop reading, trying to glimmer any detail about my new guy that I could pick up.

Apparently he wasn’t himself, not the man Emily first married, and after he went away things changed. It wasn’t some long expose, but it was a few paragraphs – sort of like, hey you know that wedding I was in, well, this is where they are now kind of post. It pissed me off, knowing my Austin was being talked about that way, but I was more upset sitting there looking at the picture of the once happy couple. I wished I’d never looked. Now that I’d opened Pandora’s Box, there was no going back. What would Austin think of me, if he knew I was snooping like this?