Forever Light(51)
Landon stops right in front of me bending to eye level. I turn away but he grabs my face between his shaking palms. “Fucking look at me.” He spits the words so harshly that I do, I can’t help but look at him. “It is, Macy. It is. Everything I’ve just said is true. And I’m sorry for that. I am. You forgave me but not Madison; she’s your fucking twin sister! You have to blame me. Everything was my fault. Tell me how angry you are! Tell me! I was angry and hurt and I chose your sister over you.”
It’s a slap in my face and it’s meant to be. That’s not true, the more he blames himself the more pissed I’m getting. I stand, causing Landon to stand as well. “Fine,” I yell. “I do blame you, Landon.”
Landon laughs, it’s sarcastic and it pisses me off even more, “That's better.”
I glare at him wanting to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. “No, it’s not.” I shove Landon’s shoulder, “I blame you for not letting me comfort you, to love you like we used to be able to do.” I pound on his chest. “I blame you for getting in that closet with her, for using me and destroying Cash.” I shove him again, “Things will never be the same and God damn it they don't need to be. We can deal with the here and now.” I place a hand on my stomach. “We have to deal with it.”
“No, we don’t.” He looks down to the floor. “We don’t deal with anything because everything you just said to me I know isn’t true. They’re just words that you think I want to hear. We’re too fucked up to be together,” Landon says so low I’m not even sure I heard the last part. “Your words don’t mean anything unless you feel them.”
Feel them? How can I not feel them? Is he expecting me to throw myself down on the ground and cry myself into a stupor? Does he want me to destroy my room in anger? Is he expecting me to hit him over and over again until I can’t feel anything else? He has his way of dealing with the past and I have mine. I don’t want to be the one to fall apart while everyone around me crumbles in my destruction.
As I stare at him, I know that I have to give him something. But I’m so tired of this same song and dance.
I sit down on my bed feeling defeated, no matter what I say or do it’s never right. “I’m tired. I’m tired of trying so hard.” I’m bawling again. “I’m so fucking tired of trying.”
Landon’s voice is cold, “Stop trying to fix me. I never asked you to, Macy.”
I bring my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth looking for any kind of comfort. My world, my nicely put drama-free world is crumbling.
“Tell me you never want to see me again, Macy. It’s the only way.” I meet his eyes. “Go head, tell me.” Landon drops to his knees in front of me.
“I can't, Landon. You're all I have left. You're all I want.”
Landon grips my upper arms, “I can't be with you, Macy, until you blame me!”
The final wall held up with that last remaining scrap of metal from an accident long ago crumbles to a mess in front of me, I’m defeated. I’m caving into what he wants. “Fine, you want me to blame you, fine.” I grip his shirt in my hands and get into his face. “I hate you. I hate that you were high and drunk and messing around. I hate that you turned to Madison for comfort when it should have been me. I hate that you fuck around with those other girls.” My face is red and I’m sweating. “I hate that you push me away and try to hurt me. I fucking hate you, Landon.”
I completely lose it. I’ve never hated someone in my entire life like I do right now. Landon abolished the only little part of my heart I had left. I cry for all of us that night but more for Landon and me. That one night destroyed our lives forever, and now we’re forever dark.
Landon tucks us both under the covers in my bed and just lets me cry. I swear, in the middle of my break down, Landon cries, too. The top of my head is wet and it could only come from one place. People always say that men don’t cry but sometimes, in the rough of things, I think it does them well. Landon is so angry all the time and he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders and can never catch a break.
Eventually Landon and I fall asleep, we’re on an emotional overload that no one can understand but the two of us. But before we fall asleep Landon places his hand on my stomach and rubs his thumb back and forth. That motion gives me a little hope that someday we’ll find our light.
I wake before Landon but don’t make a move. I’m enjoying the little peace that we have for now. Landon’s breathing comes faster and I know he’s awake now too.