Forever Light(48)

December 5, 2013



Days turn into nights.

Time stands still, or does it at least feel that way?

After receiving the shitty news that I’ve lost my scholarship and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes and then getting the final blow from Macy that she’s late I went straight to the liquor store and stocked up on whiskey. Then I met up with Jay and told him to triple my normal stash. I’ve finally hit rock bottom.

Some days I wish it would have been me who died in that accident. I don’t deserve to be here. Everything I touch turns to shit and I’m left with nothing. The only thing that I still have is Macy and it’s only a matter of time before she’s gone. I’ve got to cut strings once and for all if she doesn’t turn out to be pregnant. I’m going to ruin her and I’ll never be able to live with myself if I do. I know I can do no wrong in Macy’s eyes and maybe that’s what is wrong with us. She’s never blamed me for anything that’s happened, nothing. Where I choose to numb my emotions Macy chooses to numb her feelings with me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, how else could she deal with me knowing I’ve hooked up with other girls during our on again, off again relationship.

I’ve kept myself in a high, drunken state for days now. I don’t want to feel anything, I want the numbness. I need it. Being high keeps me calm and being drunk is getting me out of rage that I would be feeling for ruining my life.

It’s just sometime before midnight and another day almost passed when I find myself at the one place I’ve been trying to keep myself from. I lean against the wall at the end of Macy’s hall. My knee is throbbing, I bend down to rub it and nearly fall over. Some girl passes by staring at me but doesn’t say anything. When my hand finally finds my knee I notice my jeans are ripped and there is blood staining them. “Damn.”

I right myself again and stumble down the hall trying to find Macy’s room. I knock on one door thinking it was hers but some girl wrapped in a towel answers. She gives me an inviting smile then reaches for my hand. I let her pull me into her room, who wouldn’t when she’s already naked and probably ready for me. She pushes me up against the back of the door and my head thumps against it. Some of the fog clears and I realize what the hell I was about to do. Everything is in slow motion and before I can react her lips are on mine.

I open my eyes and see the wrong color staring back at me. I grip her arms and push her away from me.

“Ow,” she cries out. I look down at my hands and I see double.

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head trying to get my bearings. I let go of her and try to get the door to open but it takes me a few times. When I get back in the hallway I trip and fall, “Fuck.”

I roll onto my back as my stomach grumps from being jarred around. Where the hell am I? I roll back over onto my stomach and it protests. I know this hallway. I get to my hands and knees and crawl to the nearest door.

I bang on it with my fist yelling, “Macy!”

The door flies open and I fall forward.

“Damn it, Landon.” Heather. Finally the right door.

Heather reaches down and tries to help me up, “Fuck, you’re heavy.” Heather says straining.

She gets me up and all but throws me on Macy’s bed and everything fades to black.





December 5, 2013



It’s late and when Cash calls me and asks me to go get a cup of coffee with him; I don’t hesitate. We don’t really talk about much, we just needed each other’s company.

Cash takes a sip of his coffee and I blurt out, “I gave Will a lap dance.”

He coughs, choking on his coffee. “Damn, Macy.” He wipes his mouth. “A little better timing next time.”

I laugh and it feels good. “Sorry.”

He shakes his head, “No, you’re not.” Then he throws his napkin at me. “So, Will? Do I know him?”

“Probably not.” I shake my head, “He’s this, hot nerdy kid in my business strategy class.”

He looks confused. “The kid with the black rimmed glasses who runs whenever I get near you?”

I giggle and look away, “Yeah, that one.”

“Ha,” Cash laughs, “How’d that happen?”

I glance around the coffee shop at all the different people that are coming and going. “I was drunk.” I can’t tell Cash about taking the pills that were meant for Madison.

Cash laughs.

I cover my face with my hands, “I broke his glasses apparently too.”

Cash throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, man.” He belly laughs grabbing his stomach. “I need to see that.”

I shake my head. “Heather has the video.”