Forever Light(50)

Landon’s body tenses and then I realize what I said didn’t quite come out right.

“Not like that.” I shake my head, “I meant I was with Cash last night getting coffee.” Landon relaxes slightly. “And talking, that’s it.”

Landon stares into my eyes daring me to blink, daring me to show him that I’m lying to him. “I don't like it, Macy.”

I huff. Here is the Landon I love. The one who thinks he still owns me. “You don't have to.” I bring my hand up to wipe a piece of hair out of my face, “But since we’re confessing our dislikes I’ll join in. I don't like it when you fuck those other girls.”

Landon laughs sarcastically, “I'm not fucking anyone.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you don’t.” I bring my hand between our bodies. I need to feel his heartbeat beneath my touch. It calms me in a twisted way. “What are you doing here?”

He makes eye contact again and holds it. I don’t blink; he has me hypnotized by his piercing blue eyes. “I needed you.”

My heart squeezes at his confession, “You haven't in a long time, Landon. Why now?”

Landon turns his head and stares up at the ceiling, his breathing low and even. If his eyes weren’t closed I’d think he’d fallen asleep by the amount of time that’s gone by. Finally, he speaks and it startles me, “I failed, Macy.” He laughs but it’s bitter. “In school, at life, football, with you.”

My heart hurts for him. It always will no matter what happens between us. He was one of the best memories from my past. His crazy ways, his shirtless body, his golden heart. “Oh Landon,” I whisper. “You need help. You have to deal with everything that is happening.”

“No, I don't.” Landon snaps.

I flinch from his harshness, “Yes, you do.” I said with authority. “What if I am pregnant? What’s going to happen to you, to us? You need to deal with what happened so you can move on. It’s the only way, Landon.”

He sits up and dangles his legs over the side of the bed. “So do you, Macy.”

“I am!” I yell and bang my fist against the bed. “I’m dealing the best way I know how.”

Landon turns his cold eyes to me, “You can’t even say it. You can't even say his name.” Landon shakes his head and the memories all slam into me at once.

“Landon, sit down.” I pull on his shirt trying to get him to sit back in the seat.

“Say it, Macy.”

The sounds of metal on metal and glass crunching ringing out.

“Macy.”

“Macy,” Madison whispers and points with a shaking arm towards the SUV. I look up and there is a guy on the hood who isn’t moving.

“Say his name, Macy.”

“Steven,” Alexa cries. “Steven!”

“No.” I shake my head back and forth trying to clear the memory away. I can’t say his name. I haven’t said it in years. It hurts too much.

“See,” Landon says getting up from the bed and reaches down for his shoe.

I start to panic, he’s leaving me again. He says shit like he’s failing me and then he just up and leaves me here. “Fine, but you need to deal with Steven’s death, too. You blame yourself for what happened. It’s not true. We’re all to blame in our own ways, Landon.” Tears well in my eyes. “We shouldn’t have been driving with the radio so damn loud. You and Madison shouldn’t have been drinking in the car. Cash and I should have stopped you. Steven shouldn’t have let you even get in his car. You shouldn’t have been smoking. I shouldn’t have let you.” The tears are coming so hard I can barely breathe.

Landon sits on Heather’s empty bed, “You aren’t done dealing, Macy. You may think you are but you aren’t.” He leans his elbows on his knees, so frustrated with himself he shakes. “You need to deal with what happened with me and Madison too.” My body tenses at the mention of my sister’s name. “You haven’t dealt with that. You swept it under the rug.” Landon stands and runs his hands through his hair, “Damn it, Macy! You need to fucking blame me.” He raises his voice now. “It's my fault Steven's dead and that I was making out with your sister at prom. I knew what the fuck I was doing.” He watches me and I want to hit him for even mentioning her. “I fucking knew what I was doing with her in the closet. If Alexa wouldn’t have opened the door, I would have fucked your sister.”

My hand flies up to cover my mouth. Shaking my head side-to-side because deep down, I know that’s true. It hurts so damn bad. “That's not true.” It’s a lie but I can’t deal with that shit. It’s done it’s over, it never happened.