Dear Ava(42)

“True. Maybe his breakdown can be a breakthrough.”

His gaze is firmly focused on a point over my shoulder and when I look back, there’s nothing there. Why is he avoiding my eyes?

“Do you regret last night?” I blurt.

“No, but…” He exhales and sticks his hands in his jeans. “Ava, I really want this thing we have, but maybe we’re moving too fast.”

Moving too fast?

After last night?

My chest feels tight. “Is this…a brushoff?”

He closes his eyes. “Please, don’t ever think that. I just need a minute to breathe.” He scrubs his face. “Dane needs me, and there’s a lot going on right now.”

A minute to breathe?

Is he…is he trying to destroy my heart?

Those walls are stacking up around him, those armored tanks pointed right at me.

And he’s calling me Ava.

Please, no, don’t do that, Knox. I can’t handle you hurting me, not after what we’ve shared…

I study the lines of his face, his granite expression, and it reminds me of the way he shut down after the library. “What are you not telling me, Knox?”

I think I see fear flicker on his face before he turns it off. “Nothing. I’ll be spotty at school tomorrow. Dane’s got therapy and I’m coming in late so Dad and I can go with him.” He pauses. “Our first game is tomorrow, and I want you to come, but I understand if you don’t.”

“I won’t be there.”

“Don’t blame you,” he says quietly, sighing.

“I hope Dane’s okay.” I know I’m saying all the right words, but I feel lost, wondering what’s really going on in his head.

Several moments pass as neither of us speaks.

I sigh and say, “I should head inside—”

“I didn’t want to go to sleep tonight without seeing you again.”

I give him a half-smile. “You’ve seen me. I’m tired and I still have homework waiting on me.” I pause. “I’m here if you need me, if you decide you want to talk about Dane.”

I turn to leave and he grabs my hand. “Ava…”

My control snaps. “Don’t call me that, okay? It just means you’re pushing me away, and I hate it.”

He exhales heavily. “Tulip…please. It’s been a hell of a day.”

I close my eyes.

His brother needs him, Ava. They’re close. Get yourself together.

It’s just…

I take a big breath. “You’ve had a tough day, but you coming here and telling me you need a minute right after last night—it hurts. If it’s about Dane, I get it, but if you’re not telling me everything, I’m not sure who you are.”

He pulls me to him and wraps his strong arms around me. “You know me, Tulip. You do.”

I press my head against his chest, listening to his heart beat as he runs his fingers through my hair. He tilts my face up and kisses me softly. “Don’t be mad at me, please,” he whispers. “Just give me some time.”

I nod, battling that uneasy feeling rolling around inside my gut. He isn’t telling me everything, but I don’t ask the questions that are on the tip of my tongue.

I’m taking a chance on him, because this is the guy who wrote me a beautiful letter, and that’s enough—for now.





19





I watch her walk into her dorm, waiting until she’s safe before releasing a deep breath from my chest.

Shit.

Shit.

Fuck.

Dad and our lawyers, Chance’s dad included, don’t want me to tell her anything until we’re ready. They showed up at our house today around three and after hearing Dane’s story, they advised us to keep up with the everyday norm until Dane is ready to face the police interviews that will inevitably come. Soon, soon. And in the meantime, I have to be around Liam and pretend I don’t want to smash my fist into his motherfucking face. I see his trophies again, scattered out on his bed. Those need to stay exactly where they are for now, and if I have to be cordial, I’ll grit my teeth and play along even though I don’t agree with everything. Dad’s worried about Dane, and while I am too, I have a sick feeling in my gut for not rushing to Ava and telling her everything.

Even so, I’m not sure how she’ll react. What if she blames Dane? What if it taints everything we have with each other? Plus, there’s this niggling thought that maybe I rushed her into sex last night when I shouldn’t have—

My phone pings with a text as I get in the car.

Did you see her?

Dad.

Yes. Leaving now.

Everything okay?

In other words, Did you tell her?

Fine. Be home after I stop at Chance’s, I tap out sharply. I’m telling him everything. His dad already knows and we need him to know what’s going on.

Okay.

As I start the car, Ava’s words come back to haunt me: If you’re not telling me everything, I’m not sure who you are…

My hands grip the steering wheel as I make the turn to get to Chance’s house. My gut is screaming for me to turn around and go up to her room and—

And what?

WHAT?

Tell her Dane will likely be implicated by Liam once it all goes down?

No, no, hell no. He’s my brother, and I could have lost him today for Christ’s sake. I can fix this before she thinks Dane might be part of it. I can. I’m going to make sure Liam gets what he deserves, even if it means sacrificing—shit, what the fuck am I doing?

She barely trusts you already floats through my head, and my chest twinges.

I pull off on the side of the road, my chest heaving, and I hadn’t even realized how tightly I’ve been holding myself today with the stress of Dane, sneaking into Liam’s bedroom, getting Dad home, taking my brother to his first session this afternoon, watching my father run around and call three lawyers and get them over to the house.

Just turn around and go back.

I throw my head back against the headrest and let out a roar as I shake the wheel. I can’t. I can’t betray my own brother. Because no matter how confused Dane is, I know, I know, I know he had nothing to do with what Liam did, and she’ll understand that.

Composing myself, I pull back onto the road, and a few minutes later, I turn into Chance’s driveway and get out.

I knock, and he opens the door. “You look like shit,” is his greeting. Then, his shoulders slump. “Look, about today, if you really care about her then—”

“We need to talk.”

He shrugs his shoulders, a resigned look on his face. “You and Ava, I heard you loud and clear—”

“Dane knows what happened that night. I need you. I really need you for the shit that’s about to go down.”

Chance starts, his eyes widening as he searches my face. He opens the door fully. “Come in. We can talk upstairs.”





20





After I leave Knox, I walk into the dorm, and the security guard, an older man in a uniform, checks my ID. “Miss Harris?”

“The one and only. My room is 312.”

“Someone dropped off something for you,” he says then turns and grabs a vase of flowers on the desk behind him.

I gawk.

He sets them on the counter. Creamy white roses and fernlike greenery hang over the sides of the container. These aren’t just regular roses; they’re fully bloomed and lush, the velvety petals begging to be touched.

A little smile comes from him. “There’s a card.”

Staring down at the blooms, I take them and head to the elevator, wondering who they’re from. Knox?

I could take the stairs, but my legs ache. I really need better shoes when I work. Someday. When I get enough money tucked away, I’ll buy some things for myself. Maybe some of those twinkle lights for my room.

Fingering the folded note, I exit the elevator and head to my door, but I’m too curious to wait until I get inside to read the card. I open it.



Ava,

I didn’t plan on sending these, but when I saw them, they looked like they belonged in your hands. This time last year, we were together. You were the best thing I ever held, and I MESSED UP. I own it. I’m guilty of hurting you with my words, guilty of leaving you alone at a party when I should have taken care of you. I’m sorry over and over a million times. It’s okay if you never forgive me, just know I will never forget you, the first girl I ever loved.

Chance



I flip the card against my finger.

“Oh, those are gorgeous.”

It’s Camilla, coming down the hall with a load of laundry in her hands, wearing Star Wars pajama pants and a Camden shirt.

See? We should be friends.

I attempt a smile. “Yeah, they’re pretty. Um, sorry about hitting you with the water balloon last night. I was aiming for those rabid freshman girls.”

She smiles shyly. “Ah, don’t worry about it. Did Knox send those?”

Ugh. No. “Chance.”

She makes a murmuring noise. “I heard about his big apology in class.”

“Word travels fast.”

“It is high school and we thrive on gossip, and you being back is the craziest thing to happen since I’ve been here. You going to forgive him?”

An unforgiving heart is like rat poison to the one who holds it. One of the nuns told me that once and it’s always stuck with me, mostly when I think about my mom. Forgiving Chance? I glance back down at the flowers. I don’t think…what do I think? It definitely wasn’t Chance’s voice I heard when the person hit me in the back of the head, no, not his…