Dear Ava(39)

His eyes narrow.

“You deserted her when she needed you.” I’ve never said those words aloud to him, but boy have I thought it.

He closes his eyes, some of the heat leaving his voice. “I made a mistake, and I think about it every day.”

“What are you two girls gossiping about?” It’s Liam, weaseling his way over to us. We’ve barely spoken except for football, and I give him a surprised glance. “Is it about Knox showing up at prank night? All those underclassman girls went nuts with pics of you on social, man. Knox is so hot. Knox is at Arlington. Knox is holding a cat.”

Chance blows out a breath and looks away from me.

Liam frowns. “You two having a little tiff? Things not well on the offense, Knox?” He smirks. “Let me guess—Ava. Jesus, I’m sick of her.”

“Shut up, Liam,” Chance snaps. “Just stay out of it.”

I realize my twin isn’t with Liam. “Where’s Dane?”

He shrugs. “Went to pick him up, blew the horn and texted him. I got nada. Guess he’s not coming. He was wasted last night when I dropped him off.”

“Yeah? Where were you guys?” I ask.

Liam curls his lip. “Had a little get-together in my barn, some girls from Hampton High dropped by, sweet as hell—”

Jolena approaches and he shuts up, giving us a sweeping look. No blabbing, his gaze says. Whatever.

“When you went to pick him up this morning, was my dad’s car there? White BMW? He usually parks under the portico outside the front door.” He was supposed to leave for New York today for a meeting, but he hadn’t left by the time I did.

“No.”

“Suzy’s black Camry?”

He gives me an annoyed glance. “Didn’t see it, but I’m not his babysitter. He’s probably just skipping.”

My throat dries. When I left, Suzy was taking care of Astley and making an appointment for her to go to the vet. Had she left already?

“I even got out and knocked on the door,” Liam continues. “He’s sleeping in and will show up.”

My lips tighten. He doesn’t have a car! I guess Suzy could bring him later, but…

Ignoring them, I open the Finders App on my phone, and sure enough, Dane is home. I think about him shuddering when he crawled in my bed last night—

Jolena lets out a startled gasp as she looks at her phone. She shoves it in my face. “Did you go to prank night with Ava?”

I look at the picture of me holding the cat. Ava is next to me, a little smile on her face. Damn, she’s beautiful.

Liam leans in and then looks at me, eyes gleaming. “Ah, didn’t see that one. You hitting that finally?” He smirks at Chance. “Sorry, man. What Knox wants, Knox eventually gets.”

Jolena shakes her head, her eyes hard. “What is going on? How did I miss this?”

“Catch up, Jo. He’s with her,” Chance says, his face tight. “I’m going to class.”

He stalks off, heading to History of Film, where I should be going.

“Let’s get out of here,” Liam says to Jolena, throwing his arm around her as they leave.

I think for half a second, debating going to class and seeing Ava or checking on my brother.

I whip around, head for the exit, and run for my car.









“Dane!” I call out as I walk into the kitchen, but no one’s there.

I check the den. The TV is on ESPN, but no Dane.

I jog out the French doors to the pool, my heart pounding. I’ve caught him out here before, a flat look on his face behind his sunglasses as he sat in a lounge chair. The place is eerily quiet except for the line of waterfalls along the pool wall that cascade down. Running, I scan the perimeter, the pool house, the cabana, the outdoor kitchen.

Twisting around, I dash back inside. “Dane!” I bellow.

Nothing.

I take the kitchen staircase three at a time and run to my room. He’s not there.

I step back into the hall and head to his bedroom. The door is shut and I swallow, closing my eyes, visions of Mom face down in our pool pulsing in my head.

“Dane?”

His bed is empty and his room is a total wreck, clothes on the floor, fast food drinks on the nightstand, his prescription bottles strewn about.

The sound of the shower comes from his bathroom and I call out his name before I step inside. The white, wall-to-wall marble-tiled bathroom is almost as big as his bedroom. Steam rises, clouding the mirrors.

My heart lurches when I see him huddled nude on the floor of the walk-in shower.

His knees are pulled up to his chest, water falling over him. I fling the door open and relief makes me weak. Panting, I crouch to the floor at the edge of the shower, water droplets hitting my face and clothes.

“Dane? Hey, man, I’m here,” I whisper as I reach over and turn off the water.

He doesn’t reply, just rocks back and forth.

Fear and dread snake over me as I glance around the room, my gaze landing and freezing on a package of razor blades on the sink. Adrenaline seizes me and my eyes dart back to him, but I don’t see any cuts or blood.

“Dane? Come on, man. It’s me.”

He moans, his head still lowered.

Shit, shit, shit. I rub my face. I can’t make him do the right things, and emotion, dark and thick, slides over me.

I don’t know how to fix him.

I wish I were better at this, but I’m just…

Just a fucking kid!

I barely know anything.

Since he won’t talk, I do, my voice gentle, ignoring the razor blades for now. “I was worried when you didn’t come to school.”

Several seconds pass.

“Let me get you a towel.” My legs feel weak as I push myself to stand and open the cabinet, grabbing a white one.

When I turn, he’s watching me, eyes empty.

Give me strength. Please, God, I don’t know if you’re real or if you’re listening, but this is my brother and he’s messed up, and he’s all I have, and…and I don’t know the right things to say and if I lose him—

I get in the shower with him and sit next to him and throw the towel over his shoulders. I’m not sure how long we stay there, my arms tight around him until he finally starts to cry. Long, earthshattering sobs. I’m terrified, but I don’t let go.

“I’m here, I’m here,” I say softly.

“I want to die,” he says in a ragged voice into my chest. His fists pound into my arms, and I take it. “I can’t do this shitty life anymore. I’m so tired of being lost and going on and pretending I’m okay when I’m not, and I know it and you know it, and I’m not strong, I’m not. I’m weak and I can’t shake things off like you do and carry on like she didn’t die and leave us and leave us and leave us and, fuck, I miss her so much…”

Helplessness eviscerates me. Tears clog my throat until they’re falling with his. I lift his face and press our foreheads together. “Dane, please, brother, please, you can’t leave me here. She’s gone, she is, but I’m here for you.”

He looks up at me, his face twisted. “Maybe you’d be better off without me. I keep bringing you down and you keep worrying and worrying…” He shudders, his voice halting and etched in pain. “You’re going to hate me.”

“Never.”

Several moments pass as he weeps, and I keep my arms around his wet body. I feel the tension in him, as if…

I push the hair out of his face. “Come on, talk to me. Tell me what brought this on.”

A long exhalation comes from him as he leans his head back against the shower wall. In a toneless voice, he says, “I remember…what happened to Ava.”

I flinch, revulsion crawling over my skin. “Are you saying it was you? Because no way—”

“Might as well have been,” he says bitterly. “It was Liam. And I knew it this whole time.”

I can’t breathe. Anger and rage coil inside me, itching to get out. Liam. Liam. Liam. I’m going to pound my fists into his face. I’m going to rip him apart, and then I’m going to do it all over again—

He grabs my hand and clenches it until it hurts. “I know you want to run out of here and kill him, but you have to hear all of this. You have to hear my part.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I tell him brokenly, my shoulders hunching.

He gulps air. “Liam, last night, he…he had a small group at his barn, some of the players, and he was hot after some girl from Hampton High. We were drinking and he pointed toward the Hampton girl and said, ‘Tonight I get a trophy from her.’”

“What does that mean?”

He closes his eyes. “It just sounded like something I’ve heard before, like it knocked something loose in my memory.” He scrubs his face. “It kept niggling at me. Then it hit me. I recall being at the bonfire and watching him slip off into the woods. He set his drink down on a stump, said, ‘Trophy time,’ and followed Ava.”

His words sink in, and my hands clench. Different scenarios fly through my head—

“It’s my fault too. I was there. I was THERE. And I’ve known for ten months.”

“You just now remembered,” I tell him.

“Maybe there’s other stuff I don’t recall.” He pauses, his hands wringing. “Last night, he wanted to do some coke, and I didn’t, and he kept asking me why and when I said I was tired, he just got this hard look on his face, like he knew I remembered something. I could tell he regretted saying the trophy thing.” He takes a breath. “So before he brought me home, he asked me if I remembered that I roofied Ava’s drink at the kegger, and I said no, I didn’t give her anything to drink, and he just laughed and gave me that aw-shucks routine and said, ‘I saw you giving her drinks but I won’t tell anyone.’” Anguish glazes his face as he looks at me. “I wouldn’t do that, would I? Not after what happened to Mom…”