Damaged and the Beas(55)

Once we were alone on the grassy quad and away from the nearby classrooms, I waited for him to explain. Instead, he stared at me until I cried.

"Why him?" Cooper asked, leaning down to speak near my ear. "Why is always fucking him?"



       
         
       
        

"He's nice. That's all he's ever been to me. He helped me study. He talked to me about teaching. It was never anything more."

"Fuck that. I see the way he looks at you. I see how you two are always together. He wants you. Why do you think it got out of hand last night? I told him to stay away from you, and he mouthed off. He didn't back down because he wants you. He said you're too good for me. What the fuck? He doesn't know me or you. He's an asshole, and he brought the beating on himself."

Stepping away from Cooper, I remembered when he punched the wall next to my face. How he used his size, strength, and threats of violence to intimidate others into doing whatever he wanted. Usually, he saw nothing wrong with it, but he had been freaked out the night before. Even now, I saw fear in his eyes.

"Do you think I'm a whore?" I asked.

Cooper stepped back and shook his head. "This isn't about you."

"You think I'd cheat on you? That I'm not loyal?"

"I said it's not about you."

"If Nick wants me and I don't want him, why would you care? You said lots of guys think I'm hot. Are you going to beat them all up even though I only want you?"

"Look," Cooper said, breathing too fast, "things got out of hand. He mouthed off and then he didn't just take the punch and stay down. He had to prove some shit, but there was no way he could win. He should have fucking stayed down, but he didn't. He challenged me like he was saying he was taking you away."

"But I don't want him," I said through clenched teeth. "I did in the beginning because he was nice and you were scary. Now I love you, and I shared those private things with you, but you act like I'm a slut who isn't loyal. Like I'll spread for someone else when I have you. That's how you see me."

"No," he pleaded, taking my hands. "I saw him with you yesterday, and he's always looking at you. I'd see him on campus with his friends. If we'd walk by, he looked at you. He's always staring. Even at the fucking fair, it's like he's stalking you. I wanted him to back off."

"He's not stalking me," I said, rolling my eyes. "He barely talks to me. I usually talk to him first, and he never makes any moves. He might think I'm hot, but so what? Every girl thinks you're hot. They always check you out, but I don't hunt them down and put them in the hospital for looking at my guy. I'm not a psycho, but maybe you are."

"Farah, please. I messed up, but he made it worse."

"You started it. You went after him and then things got out of hand. You had no reason to even talk to him, though. I love you, and I'm loyal. I would never cheat so you shouldn't have cared about Nick. You're weird about him." 

Cooper ran his hands over his short hair and looked at me with mournful eyes. "That night at the party, you looked at him one way and me another. You felt something for him, and you didn't feel it for me. I know he means something to you, so don't act innocent."

"So now I am a whore you have to worry about?"

"No, but I know he's not just any guy."

"He's nice, and I wanted nice. You're not nice."

"Fuck that. I take care of you. I love you, and he doesn't do shit."

"What is it that you thought would happen if you didn't threaten him?"

"I thought he'd find a way to take you from me."

"How?"

"I don't know. I guess, he'd be nice," Cooper sneered, trying to be angry, but looking as panicked as the night before. "You belong with me."

"You hurt an innocent person, just for being nice to me. I've shared so much with you and taken down all those walls, and it wasn't enough. You still don't trust me."

"It's him I don't trust."

"But he couldn't fuck me unless I let him!" I yelled, losing my temper as we talked in circles.

"Fine, I'm sorry if it seems like I didn't trust you, but it wasn't about you. It was about him."

"You're still an asshole," I said, walking away.

Cooper followed behind me. "Yes, but I'm your asshole. You need me like I need you. I wasn't kidding last night about that. I can't breathe without you, Farah."

I kept walking even though I had no idea where I was going. My class was the other direction. My apartment was the other direction too. I was just walking to walk. Cooper followed me silently for a few minutes and then placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I'll apologize to him," he said, forcing me to stop and look at him. "I'll pay his hospital bills and fix things. Is that what you want?"

"I want you to trust me so people like Nick don't get hurt."

"I do trust you."

"Not really."

Cooper flexed his hands, and I saw how raw and bruised his knuckles were. The thought of them pounding on Nick broke my heart. Those same hands could be so gentle with me that I'd let myself forget what Cooper was capable of when pushed. Even if he was the one who pushed himself into feeling like violence was necessary.

"I need space," I said quietly.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You know what it means. I need time to think."

"I'll fix shit with Nick."

"Good, but you can't just fuck up people and then apologize and act like it's cool. Maybe you need to hurt bad people for the business, but not someone who never did anything except want what you have. I hate to break it to you, Coop, but lots of people want what you have. Your money, your looks, your long list of pussy, your family, me, the Harleys. You can't pound on people for being envious."

The anger in Cooper's expression faded until he just looked tired. "How much space? Like for how long?"

"I don't know. There's no rule book for how long to punish a guy for putting another guy in the hospital."

"I didn't plan to fuck him up like that. I didn't even hit him that hard, but his head bounced off the curb, and I knew it was bad."

"Did you leave him there?" I whispered, imagining Nick lying on the ground.



       
         
       
        

Cooper sighed. "There were people around. His idiot friends jumped in …  Shit, I fucked up, but you promised you wouldn't leave me."

"I thought you did something bad like hurt an asshole or even fucked another girl. I wasn't sure I'd be okay with those things, but I told you what you needed to hear. It wasn't those things, though. It was you hurting a nice guy who helped me out a few times when I was struggling with schoolwork. He didn't have it coming."

Cooper frowned at any positive mention of Nick. He still held a grudge and I knew forgiving him wasn't really my call. Nick was the one who suffered, and he was the one who needed to forgive Cooper. I just needed time to figure out if Cooper would pound on every guy I talked to for the rest of our lives.

Leaving him standing on the quad, I returned to class. Skye said nothing when I joined her. When she spoke after class, it was about Tyler and his ability to bench press her. Admittedly, Skye's descriptions of Tyler's amazing strength did make me laugh. Yet a hard ball of tension remained in my gut as I headed to my last class.

Cooper wasn't in Spanish, so I sat in the front. Manuel mainly reviewed old lessons because so many students in his classes had done "mucho crapido." Everyone laughed at this comment and the fifty minutes flew by. I was still thinking about the two empty seats in the room, though. As I walked towards the door, I even looked back at Cooper's regular spot and wondered what to do.

"Farah," Manuel said, calling me back into the now empty room. When I was standing in front of him, he smiled, and I knew I was in trouble. "Normally, a counselor would handle this, but it was felt because of your situation that requesting you go to the Admin building might be too …  stressful."

Assuming he meant my dating situation, I waited for the bad news. "Am I in trouble?" I asked when he didn't continue.

"I want to assure you how many students are in the same boat as you. These tests are meant as a wake-up call for the lazier, more disorganized students. They can also reveal problems with students who really put effort into their studies."

"Did I do badly on your test?" I asked, knowing the answer.

As Manuel glanced around and then smiled softly, I felt my eyes burning. "Technically, you didn't pass any of your exams," he said, and I immediately felt lightheaded. "Yet the administration allows instructors to bump a grade into the passing range when we feel the student is struggling, but not for a lack of effort. In your case, all of your instructors know you are a good student. You attend class, participate, and actively learn, but clearly the first month hasn't been easy, and you'll likely need tutoring." 

"Am I suspended or expelled?" I said, crying now. "Am I in trouble?"

Manuel reached out to comfort me and then thought better of it. "No, Farah, it's fine. This was why we didn't want to call you to the Admin building. It's sort of like the walk of shame for those students who aren't putting in the effort."