Damaged and the Beas(56)

Breathing deeply, I tried to calm myself. It had proven to be a long day, though, and it wasn't even four.

"Your exam scores were all bumped to D's. I know that sounds bad, but you're not on academic probation," he said. "We just want you to get a tutor or two to help you catch up."

"I study," I babbled, feeling ashamed to have sat in his class every day and learned so little. "I don't know why I did so bad."

"Many students have trouble with tests especially the first ones," he said, but I knew he was full of shit. My scores were bad enough that it wasn't test anxiety. It was a lack of knowledge. I just didn't know what I should have at this point. How had I fallen so far behind?

"Can I leave now?" I asked, needing to get home and cry for a while before work.

"Yes, of course. It really will be okay. These first exams are always a pain, but you'll catch up."

Thanking him, I hurried out the door and walked as fast as I could to the bus stop. Cooper wasn't around to drive me, and I didn't notice Skye either. Maybe she was waiting for me somewhere, but I couldn't see through my tears. No one bothered me on the ride home, ignoring my quiet crying. I hurried into my apartment and past Amy and Tex watching TV and drinking beers. Once in my room, I turned on the radio and cried into a pillow.

All of those years of working to get to college, it never occurred to me that I would fail. I felt such shame at knowing my dream would never happen because I was too stupid. I really thought I was better than everyone in my family including Tawny. I always told myself how good I was at school, but clearly I was just getting by in the shitty schools I attended growing up. Now at a school not known for being academically rigorous, I crashed and burned.

Though desperate to talk to Cooper, he was one reason I failed. I had blown off too many hours of reading and studying so that I could be with him. Now I'd lost Cooper and failed.

Eyeing my phone, I considered calling Tawny but was too embarrassed. How could I tell her I only stayed off academic suspension because I was dating a Johansson? She wouldn't judge me in her words, but I knew she would be disappointed. I had promised our dreams could come true, and we'd be more than our parents. I was so certain I could be Mrs. Prescott. Now I realized my teacher likely knew the truth. She just couldn't bear to tell a child that life only provided opportunities for people better than me.

By the time I arrived at work, I was depressed and just going through the motions. I didn't even check the ketchup bottles. Figuring I might spend the rest of my life as a waitress, I should, at least, take pride in the job.

When Cooper arrived, he rushed over to where I wiped a very clean table. "I apologized to Nick. He accepted my apology. I'm paying his hospital bills. The rest of his year at school too. We're best buddies now. He's even under my protection. It's all better."

"I'm glad."

"That's it? You're glad."

"I can't talk about things when I'm working."

"When do you have your break?"

"In an hour."

"We'll talk then."

Despite the urge to say no, I missed Cooper so much I felt like nothing else mattered. The feeling was a lie, though. My dream mattered, but I'd pissed it away. Or maybe I was always going to fail despite how hard I worked. Was I too stupid to succeed?



       
         
       
        

When I gave him a noncommittal nod, Cooper studied my face. I knew he wanted more than the nod. Apologizing to Nick wasn't a Cooper move. He didn't really think he was wrong. While regretting Nick was really hurt and worrying over me leaving him, Cooper didn't genuinely feel guilty. He viewed me as his and anyone who interfered was an obstacle to be eliminated. Cooper's ferocity might be terrifying, but at least, he succeeded when he put his mind to things. I couldn't claim the same about myself.

After I had fed Cooper, I waited for break time when I would tell him how no amount of apologies could fix what was broken. I was the problem. Cooper was merely the symptom.

We stepped outside because I sensed he might not take things well and would get loud. Cooper reached for me immediately as if he was dying without my touch. Even wanting to be in his arms, I stepped back.

"How much do you plan to punish me before we're okay again?" he asked with a needy gaze.

"It's been less than a day. Besides, I'm not punishing you. We just can't be together."

"What the hell is it now?" he asked. While his words were angry, his tone was more desperate.

"I need to focus on school," I muttered, avoiding his gaze. "I can't get distracted."

Cooper erased the space between us and lifted my chin to force me to look at him. "I want to spend my life with you, and I'm a fucking distraction?"

"I failed all of my tests, Coop. If I were anyone else, I'd be on academic probation," I whispered, feeling ashamed. "I've always been a good student, and I could get kicked out if I don't pull up my grades."

"Fuck that. I'll get it fixed."

"No," I said, stepping back. "Being a good student was the only thing I ever did well. I couldn't protect my sister. I wasn't popular or stylish. I never had any great skills, but I kept my grades steady. I was the good average student in every class. Now I'm failing."

"I'll help you study. I'll hire tutors. I'll make it better."

"I want to make it better myself. I want to succeed on my own."

"You're not on your own," he said, cupping my face with his battered hands. "You have me. You have my family. You're not alone anymore." Stepping back, I hated to see his dark eyes filled with pain and even tears. "So you just throw me away like I'm shit?"

"It's better this way."

"How do you figure?"

"I don't know. It just seems like a thing to say."

"Am I supposed to wait around while you get your crap together and decide you have time for me? 

"No."

"So you're fine with me fucking someone else?"

Biting back tears, I shook my head. "I can't be with you, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Yes, it does. You're making a damn choice."

"I'm trying to accomplish the one thing I've wanted all my life," I whimpered, pleading with him to understand. "The one thing that gives me value."

"Why can't I give you value?"

"Because you're the one with value. I'm just your girlfriend."

Cooper looked at the passing cars and then up at the half-hidden moon. Suddenly, he turned and punched the brick wall. Once, twice, again and again, until I pulled him away. His hands were bleeding as he cupped my face.

"Fuck you, Farah," he hissed. "I hate you for this, but I'm waiting until you realize how you aren't alone because you and I are in this together. We'll always be in it together because you and I are real in a way your silly childhood dreams aren't. You are my treasure, and I'm not letting you go because you got a few shit grades. Love doesn't work like that."

As easy as it might be to soothe Cooper and hope I could handle his love and my schoolwork, I knew easy choices were often mistakes. I needed to do well at school to have any value. Cooper couldn't understand because he always had value. He had a life where one failure didn't mean the end of the world. I had a life where one failure meant I was becoming my mom.

After using my apron to wipe his bloody hands, I inched back until I let him go. "I need to get back inside."

"Can I drive you home?"

His gaze reeked of need, and his breathing was rough. He was a man barely holding onto his control, but I couldn't give him what he wanted. I couldn't even give myself what I needed.

"No thank you."

Cooper's shoulders sagged, and he finally understood. He walked past me, yet stopped at the curb and sighed. "You're still my girl."

"Okay."

Without looking back, Cooper climbed on his Harley and left. I didn't know how to fix everything I had ruined. It wasn't as simple as going to a guy, paying his bills, playing buddy, and making things right. I needed to bring my sister to Ellsberg but had no idea where she was. I needed to be a teacher, but couldn't even pass my first tests. I needed Cooper but had brought out the worst in him. Everything I needed was out of reach, so I returned to wiping clean tables and filling already full ketchup bottles.





Chapter Twenty One


Thursday sucked from the moment I woke up to the sounds of my mom's horny cries to the walk to the bus stop in the rain. I tried to pay attention in class, but my mind was everywhere else. At lunch, Skye talked non-stop about her vagina. It started with her concerns about natural childbirth and just dragged to her wondering if she smelled weird. I was relieved she didn't ask me to take a whiff and give her my opinion.

Walking into Spanish class, I saw Cooper, but avoided his gaze. I was tired, and he looked so handsome in all black. I remembered how we planned to see a movie that weekend and go swimming if the weather was decent. Instead, I planned to study and try to catch up when I was completely lost. Scheduled to work with a tutor on Monday, I wanted to cram ahead of time so I wouldn't look stupid. It reminded me of how people cleaned their houses before the maid arrived.

As I left class, Cooper blocked my exit, and I finally looked up at his beautiful face. I knew that face, every curve, every feature. I missed that face, but was too tired to argue again.