Damaged and the Beas(42)

Once I had been walking for nearly fifteen minutes, the realization of Cooper and I being over suddenly hit me. Tears burned my eyes as I felt all that loss. The more I considered my feelings for Cooper, the more I accepted how I had hoped he would grow into a man I could trust completely. He was rough and sometimes the things he said hurt my feelings or made me want to run in the opposite direction. Yet when we were together in bed, he could be so tender. It was the main reason I wanted to have sex. If I ignored the actual sex part, I enjoyed being so close to him. Now it was over, and he wouldn't even remember my name when he saw me at school.

In the end, some part of me always knew it would be over because Cooper had no reason to change into someone less intense. Mister Perfect would take five seconds to find a new girlfriend who wouldn't want him to change. Most of the girls loved how rough he was, laughed at his rude mouth, and moaned over his every caress. They would do everything right and make him happy. He had no reason to change, but unless he did, I would never feel comfortable with him. Deep inside, he scared the shit out of me, and I figured he always would.

Even depressed, I was resigned to the upside of breaking up with Cooper. He and I were always going to break up, but now he would find someone who could handle him. I could find someone like Nick, who was soft and calm. Dull in a sexy way, instead of gorgeous in a wild, scary way. Even accepting how right I was to end things with Cooper, I still sobbed because he was my first love. He had been mine, but now he wasn't. It was the reality of life in a nutshell.

The first two times I heard motorcycles, I thought Cooper had changed his mind about giving me a ride home. Dozens of motorcycles roared past me on my walk. Some headed to town, others out to the countryside. I ignored them after realizing they weren't Cooper. One guy stopped and offered me a ride, but I told him I was waiting for someone. It wasn't a complete lie, yet I didn't think he believed me especially because I was crying so hard.

When another motorcycle stopped, I shouldn't have known it was Cooper. I should have zoned out the possibility, but I felt him and stopped walking. Lifting my gaze to where the Harley idled, I hurried forward. Cooper didn't look at me or speak when I climbed on. Keeping up the silence, I wrapped my arms around him as he roared back on the road and towards my apartment.

Resting my face against his warm back, I wished things were different, but they never would be. Cooper was from his world where he was fucking perfect. I was from another world where he was fucking scary. Besides, Cooper thought I should just stop being damaged like it was a choice. Like I wanted to cry during sex, instead of enjoying his hot body.

I felt like I did the best I could while essentially alone in a new place without the only person I truly trusted. Maybe I would be less moody or more vocal if Tawny was living with me, but she wasn't and I couldn't give Cooper more than I already had. Nothing would change either of us. No matter how good he felt or how much I loved him, I had to let him go.

Cooper pulled up to the front of the apartment complex and turned off his Harley. Sliding off the back, I wasn't sure what to say. I hadn't even been sure if he wanted me to say anything because he hadn't spoken on the drive. With the bike silent, I suspected he wanted to talk. Nervous, I weaseled out of a conversation.



       
         
       
        

"Thanks for the ride. I'll see you at school."

Grabbing my wrist, Cooper stared at me almost as if in shock. "That's it? You're just done with me?"

"We're too different. We'll just make each other miserable."

Frowning darkly, Cooper glanced around and then back at me. "Fuck."

Cooper released my wrist, and soon the bike roared to life and down the street. I watched him go and stood a few minutes longer, just thinking about how wrong the day turned. Walking to the apartment, I told myself my unhappiness was from Cooper's potential revenge towards me. In reality, I missed the safety I felt in his arms. A safety that defied the rest of Cooper's personality.





Chapter Seventeen


Despite my depression that evening, I didn't call Tawny. Mostly, I was embarrassed I hadn't been able to keep Cooper. How would I explain to my sister stranded in a shit motel that I had a chance with a rich, hot guy that loved me, but I was too awful at sex to keep him from thinking I was a lesbian? Tawny wouldn't judge outwardly, but I knew she would think I messed up. Girls like us had few chances at anything great in our lives and Cooper was great in many ways.

He wasn't perfect, though. Despite what he thought about himself, Cooper had nearly punched me in the face. Thinking back to that moment, I should have been warier of my next move. I had chosen to leave without considering how he might hurt me. Maybe I hadn't taken it seriously enough, or maybe I had been too upset to care, but I was reckless.

If I talked to Tawny, I would likely tell her how Cooper almost hit me. She would say it was good we broke up. She would judge Cooper, and I didn't want her to think poorly of him. I shouldn't protect the asshole, but I loved him. Somehow, when I got up the nerve to call her in a day or two, I would figure out a lie to answer why Cooper and I weren't together. I wasn't great at lying to Tawny, but the truth was too embarrassing.

Crying in my room, I turned on the cheap clock radio to muffle my sobs. Amy and Tex were in the living room watching TV and laughing it up. While they partied, I replayed the morning with Cooper.

Finally falling asleep just after dark, I was exhausted, depressed, and dreading the next day. I woke up with the same worries. Would Cooper take away my friends? Would he show up with a new girl and rub it in my face? Would he embarrass me by acting like I didn't exist?

By the time I saw Skye, I was prepared for the worst. Upon seeing me, she shook her head.

"Guy troubles, huh?"

"How do you know?"

"Honestly? You look like shit. Like you cried all night. Also, I heard from someone that Cooper was raging through town last night. He's been pretty mellow lately. I figured he was freaking out because you two had a fight. The guy has temper issues." 

"We broke up."

"Broke up?" Skye yelled and then looked around and lowered her voice. "He dumped you? Man, that's harsh. You guys just hooked up on Friday night. Everyone was talking about how he carried you out of the house. You seemed wasted or something. I don't really know because I was all into Tyler. I met his parents, you know?"

"How did it go?" I asked, relieved to have the subject off of Cooper and me.

"Great. I'm awesome with parents. They were nice too, but my parents didn't like Tyler. I tried to guilt them into liking him by saying they were racists if they didn't, but they just don't like how he's into Jesus. It would help if he didn't wear the giant crucifix, but his mom bought it for him, and he's sweet on his mom."

"I'm sure it'll work out. You wanted to keep him for the year at least. Your parents not liking him won't change that, will it?"

"No, but I don't need my mom nagging at me. My adopted little brother started first grade, so she's lonely during the day. Nagging me is a fun hobby of hers."

I forced a smile. "Screen your calls, I guess."

Skye laughed. "Yeah, I should. That would drive her crazy."

Once in class, I tried to pay attention to the instructor, but my mind was on seeing Cooper. Afterward, Skye was back to talking about Tyler and how his abs were hotter than any in the universe. So busy nodding at everything she said, I didn't see Bailey storming towards us.

"Hey, bitch!" Bailey announced, cornering me against a wall.

The thing with Bailey was her friendly banter wasn't all that different from her raging. I wasn't sure she was angry until she looked me up and down and then did her little lip pucker "something stinks in here" expression.

"Because of you, my brother shaved off his head last night."

"His head?" Skye said, laughing.

"Fuck off, bitch!" After Skye's laughter had stopped mid-giggle, Bailey glared at me. "You hurt him because you're a bitch and mentally deficient."

"He shaved his head off?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, dumbass!" Bailey yelled, shoving me against the wall hard enough for my head to bounce off the bricks. Then she paused, and her eyes focused upward. "Oh, his hair, I mean. He shaved off his hair. Not his head. Anyway, because you suck, Coop and Tuck got wasted and shaved their heads. Now my mom is pissed because she doesn't like their hair that short. She said it makes them look like skinheads, and she doesn't like suspenders."

I doubted Bailey was certain what her mom didn't like. Either way, I wasn't explaining anything to Bailey, who punched girls over minor infractions. My head already hurt and I hated getting punched in the face.

"I'm sorry Cooper is upset."

"Are you?" Bailey said, eyeballing me. "What's your problem anyway? Don't you want nice things? Are you stupid? Cooper has money and one day he'll take over for my pop and have more money. He's hot and smart and the responsible one. Hell, if he weren't my brother, I'd date Crapface in a minute. Every girl in school would like him to go all hearts and flowers over them, but not you. You think you're too good. Like you could do better. Is that what you think, Farah? That you can win over someone better than Coop when you dress like a trailer trash reject?"