By Proxy(82)
“What good is it that I know it if Jenny doesn’t?”
“I love him, Pappa.”
“Yep.”
“I have to go to him.”
“Yep.”
“Chicago.”
“Yep.”
She paused. He didn’t fight with her. He didn’t demand assurances or promises from her, or remind of her place and propriety. He just rocked quietly next to her, occasionally taking the pipe out of his mouth to tap it.
“Pappa, I’m scared.” She whispered this admission.
He breathed in. “I was scared when I meet your Mamma. Prettiest girl at Midsummer. Flowers in her plaits. Would have followed her to China, Jenny. Would have followed her to hell. Wouldn’t have mattered. Might as well just have up and died if’n I couldn’t be with her.”
Her father wasn’t one for flowery statements. Tears filled her eyes and her face contorted, crumpling at the simple poignancy of his words. She bowed her head so he wouldn’t see her glistening eyes.
“Scared is okay. Hiding isn’t. We’re strong people, Jenny. Can’t hide here in Gardiner. Life wants to be lived.”
She nodded beside him, still trying to swallow down the enormous lump in her throat. Gratitude, fear, hope. She felt his arm around her. Her father wasn’t a big talker, and he wasn’t a big hugger. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.
“I know the gal we raised. You be scared. It’s okay. But it’s time to start moving, Jen. If the fella from Chicago’s the one, you go. Your Mamma had big hopes for you. Been waiting to see when you’d get moving again. Glad to see it happen.”
“I’ll be back, Pappa.”
“Jenny-girl, I told you. I know the gal we raised. You’ll always be back.”
Jenny nodded against her father’s shoulder, feeling the weight of the world lift off her shoulders and join the smoke of her father’s pipe, floating out into the mountains far away.
“I love you, Pappa.”
He breathed in sharply and nodded his head once, patting her shoulder awkwardly.
“It’s Christmas Eve. We got to make the dinner, Jen.” He leaned forward, giving her a moment to readjust against the back of the swing. Then he stood up, tapping his empty pipe against the porch railing. “I’ll go get it started. You come when you’re ready and give your old Pappa a hand.”
As he left, he put his hand on her head for a moment, his big palm splayed out over her blonde hair. His hand moved and she felt him kiss the top of her head and linger there for a moment. Then he turned and she heard the door open and shut behind him.
She used one foot to push off, curling her legs under herself, swinging gently back and forth in the dim light of the porch, staring at the endless expanse of the black Montana sky. Her feelings were sorted, she had her father’s blessing, and her decision was made:
She loved Sam.
She had the courage.
She was going to Chicago.
And she wasn’t coming home until things were settled.
***
Two days later, Christmas was over. Carols had been sung. Pageants had been enacted. Relatives in Bozeman had been visited. Her gifts had been put away and the morning after Christmas Day dawned bright and cheery. Jenny woke with purpose and determination.
She decided to buy her tickets to Chicago first, before writing to Sam. Regardless of his answer when she suggested a visit, she was going to Chicago to see him. She wasn’t giving up on him without a fight. Her laptop needed a second to boot up; she hadn’t been using it much lately. She put on the percolator to make some coffee and let Casey out of her playpen, waiting for her coffee to brew.
She wasn’t expecting anyone, so she was surprised by the knock on her door. The first thought in her head was: Sam! And even though there was no earthly reason to imagine Sam would suddenly arrive in Gardiner to see her, her shoulders slumped in disappointment when she found Erik standing outside.
“Heya, Jen,” he said, smiling at his little sister.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” She walked back into the living room, and Erik closed the door behind him and followed her.
“Ah, Casey Mae, look at you, big girl!” He reached down to scratch behind her ears then pulled her onto his lap, taking a seat in Jenny’s easy chair.
Jenny headed into the kitchen. “Coffee?”
“Yep.”
Jenny poured two cups, straightening her back. She knew how her brothers felt about Jenny leaving Gardiner for the city. Against her mother’s wishes they had brought her back from Great Falls, and even though she was grateful for their interference then, she really wasn’t interested in hearing it now. She was a grown woman, and if she wanted to go halfway across the country chasing the man she wanted, well, they just needed to get the heck out of the way.