By Proxy(79)
I need Sam.
Her eyes brightened with tears, touched by his kindness. She knew his feelings for her were deeper than friendship, but he was setting them aside because he cared for her. “I’m just trying to figure things out.”
“Jenny, everything new gets old. It will fade. Eventually. I promise.”
She nodded, biting her lip and looking down at her folded hands. Paul’s words, meant to comfort her, did just the opposite. She winced as her heart ached at the future Paul outlined for her. She didn’t want her feelings for Sam to get old. She didn’t want for them to fade.
The days were dwindling down. School break would start the day after tomorrow. Then Christmas. Then…Well, she was still figuring out what her next move would be, but she was getting there. In the meantime, she simply missed him.
She whispered, “‘His absence is like the sky, spread over everything.’”
“C.S. Lewis?”
She looked up at him, giving him a tired grin. “The very one.”
“I hate to see you like this.” He stared at her intently then breathed deeply, standing up and changing the subject. “It’s dinnertime. Let me take you out for dinner.”
She raised her eyebrows, cocking her head to the side with a meaningful look. “No, Paul. I don’t think that’s such a good—”
He put up his palms face out, interrupting her. “Work colleague. Guidance counselor. Good listener. Family friend. Nothing else. I promise.”
Jenny sighed, nodding warily. “Okay. Dinner. Let me go freshen up.”
***
It wasn’t Paul’s fault. It wasn’t him. It’s just Jenny didn’t want much to be around anyone—anyone who wasn’t Sam—and taking her to the Grizzly Guzzle Grill, where she and Sam had dined before the Christmas tree lighting, didn’t help either. When Paul pulled into the parking lot, Jenny almost said something but decided it wasn’t worth it to leave and go somewhere else.
Lars waved as they walked in, raising his eyebrows in surprise to see his best friend with his sister, and for the second time in three weeks, two Cokes appeared at their table after they sat down.
“I’m really glad we’re doing this.” Paul smiled at Jenny over his menu.
“Thank you.” Jenny nodded politely. “Unfortunately I think we’re giving Lars something to talk about.”
“Nah. He knows we’re just friends.”
They sat in silence for another minute, each deciding what they would have. Finally Jenny put down her menu and Paul put his on top of hers.
“Jen, I’m sorry you’re so down. He had no right to lead you on.”
Jenny looked at Paul’s handsome face, his coloring so much like her own. His eyes were earnest and worried. It would be so much easier if I could just love you, Paul.
“He didn’t lead me on. He didn’t make any promises he didn’t keep. He asked me to come to Chicago.”
“You said no?”
“I did.” Jenny took a sip of her pop.
Paul’s eyes narrowed, staring at Jenny in surprise. He shook his head back and forth in confusion. “Then I don’t understand, Jenny. You seem so sad.”
“I am sad. I don’t want to be in Chicago. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with Sam.” Jenny sighed, watching her finger make circular motions in front of her on the table. “His life is there.”
“And yours is here.”
She nodded slowly, resigned. “My family is here.”
They placed their order and Paul talked animatedly about Upper Slide and the first few weeks of ice fishing. Jenny generally made it out there with the boys once or twice during the season but knew there was a whole community of folks who spent every available moment up at the lake all season. It was composed of some very colorful characters. Listening to Paul, Jenny smiled a few times and even chuckled once.
“There it is!” Paul exclaimed in triumph, smiling back at her. “A Jenny giggle.”
She looked down and sipped her drink. “Well, you accomplished the impossible, Paul. You should be very proud.”
“Jenny, if you’d let me—”
“Don’t,” she said sharply, wincing at the tenderness in his tone. “You promised.”
Her expression closed instantly and any momentary cheer was quickly extinguished as they returned to awkward silence, relieved when dinner finally arrived. She thought about the dinner she and Sam had shared at this very table a few weeks before. He had blundered his words, telling her he wanted to have children with her someday. She’d been so shocked, and he’d looked so appalled at the slip. She sank into the memory for a moment, smiling absently.