Beautifully Awake(79)

“This trial’s about a scumbag child abuser who deserves to be put behind bars for life. How the fuck did it become about you?” He released my hand and shot off the bench.

At the loss of contact, I pinched beneath my running nose and palmed away the tear tracks staining my cheeks. “They always try to discredit the witness. It’s part of the whole stupid process.”

“What?” Chase growled and finally turned to look at me. His crystal greys were dark. A darkness I had never seen. Like a black cloud on an otherwise clear day when you wondered what it would bring. “You want to question someone’s professional credibility, you show they suck at their job or, fuck ... show they’re an alcoholic or a fucking crackhead, for that matter. But what he just did to you in there ... fuck, Blue. He just went for your jugular in front of half your fucking hometown. And no one did a goddamn thing to stop it.” Chase clawed at his hair with such force, I was surprised he didn’t leave a bald spot. “You came all the way here to help her case, and that fucking prosecutor stood there and did absolutely nothing.” His breathing was hard and his neck was so taut, I thought he might pop a vessel.



“There was nothing she could do,” I said, willing to calm him with my eyes. “It wasn’t going to stop him.”

Chase stared at me like I’d lost my freaking mind. I assumed he had a different experience with the system … not a system that failed innocent victims time and time again. Being blindsided by Derek today knocked me off kilter, but the law giving him carte blanche to do it, that didn’t surprise me at all.

“That makes it okay?” His expression oozed disgust. “When my lawyers are done with that sick bastard, I’m going to have his head on a fucking platter.” Chase was losing it, his fists were tightly clenched and drawn slightly forward. His face was hard-lined. I imagined this was how he looked at his boxing opponent. All of a sudden, throwing instrument trays seemed like a toddler’s temper tantrum.

I stood up and reached for the arm that was raking the shit out of his messy brown locks. “Chase, please listen to me.” My voice cracked when I intended to sound steady and strong. “It’s not going to change anything. Trust me. He didn’t break any laws. Going after him ... is pointless, it can’t erase what’s done.”

My words cut deep, reopening old wounds, wounds that Chase had unknowingly begun to heal. I watched him continue to pace the concrete sidewalk, stewing over what I just said. I sensed that I just delivered the final blow.

He backhanded the air and I rushed forward, trying to soothe, resting my palms against his back. “I don’t give a shit what laws he did or didn’t break. Jesus. Fucking. Christ, Blue.” His muscles vibrated beneath my fingers. “He attempted to humiliate you in front of half the goddamn town.” He slowly turned around and my breath seized at the intensity of his gaze. I stepped in closer and grabbed his face between my hands. His voice dropped to a strained growl, “There is no way in hell that piece of shit is getting away with this.”

I swallowed the pride I spent three years rebuilding and whispered, “It doesn’t matter. They ... they ... all already knew.” I lowered my swollen lids and let my tears fall. The well was far from dry.

Chase’s pointer finger elevated my wet chin, until our eyes linked. Finally, I saw something familiar, the darkness faded. I saw realization wash through him. “That’s why you were so uneasy about this trip ... why you’ve been walking on eggshells?” His tone was softer. Less angry. He sounded hurt.



I had paused long enough. He needed to hear the truth from me. “Chase. I’m so sorry. I should have told you ... I wanted to. You didn’t deserve to hear it like this. You came all this way to support me ... you went out of your way to distract me and make coming home easier when you could tell something was off. I should have told you. I knew I could trust you. I foolishly tried to convince myself I could forget everything; that it didn’t have to affect my future. I want to tell you everything. Now. Why...”

“Shh. Shh. Blue.” Chase’s index finger covered my lips. “I told you before, you don’t have to say another word about him ... ever, and I meant it.” He gently wiped away a few lingering tears.

“Wait. Chase. Please hear me out.”

“Stop, not another word. It’s in the past. Let’s leave it there, you said it yourself, we can’t change anything.” He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed the top of my head. His cocoon felt like cold gel on a sunburn. As soothed as I was by his touch, something was off. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”