a reason to live(32)

“Is this some sort of game you and Maxine are playin’?”

“What?”

“Parading around in next to nothin’ when you know I’m on my way.”

“I didn’t know—”

“It’s bad enough I can’t look at you without seeing Emma Jane, but now I’ve got your body burned into my brain, taunting me with what I can’t have,” he growled.

I grabbed a shirt and tried to pull it over my head, but he grabbed it and threw it aside. He backed me into the wall and then buried his face in my neck. “This can’t happen. Even if we both want it,” he whispered against my neck.

“You don’t know unless you try.”

“I know because every night I see the wreckage. Every fuckin’ night I see her face, a face that’s similar to yours,” he explained.

“With time you’ll get past—”

Shane’s tongue snaked out, and he tasted my skin. I gasped and grabbed hold of his shirt, tilting my neck so he could take his fill. “You deserve a man who can make you his whole world. I’m broken, Sage. You need to let it go,” Shane whispered in my ear. He pulled my hands from his shirt and then pushed off the wall, fixing me with dark-gray, anguished eyes. I started to reach out to him, but he shook his head and turned, walking away from me and out the door.

I was frozen in place, trying to wrap my head around what had happened when I heard the front door slam, and I jumped. I was still leaning against the wall, my heart pounding in my chest. I moved then and grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head. Maxine walked in as I pulled on my shorts, her face a mask of concern.

“What happened?” she asked.

“He was pissed and accused me of playing games.”

“At least he’s feeling somethin’. Frustration is better than nothin’ any day of the week.”

“He said I knew he was on his way.”

Maxine looked away and mumbled, “He’s confused. I told him to stop by at seven after the party so I could talk to him. It’s not your fault he came early.”

“Why did Max come with him?”

She hesitated for a moment then said, “Beats me. I never know what my son will do.”

Something about how she was acting didn’t ring true, but I let it go. I had other issues to worry about. It was becoming apparent that I couldn’t help Shane, and I needed to think. To reflect on whether I should leave or stay.

Grabbing my running shoes from the floor, I headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Maxine called out.

That was the million-dollar question.





Five


Rock Bottom





Jogging is where I did my best thinking. No matter the problem, the pavement beneath my feet kept me centered and focused. And right now, I needed to focus.

I’d let my emotions lead my interactions with Shane, and I needed to take a step back and allow my analytical side to take over. He was depressed, carrying guilt around over Emma’s death, and holding back from life and happiness to purge himself of the guilt. He didn’t believe he deserved anything good in his life, and that included me. He could be helped, but not by me. I was part of the problem. Not to mention, emotionally compromised.

When I wasn’t around him, I could think clearly. In his presence, I turned into a lovesick fool with hearts in her eyes, and my education flew right out the window.

“Is this what it’s like to be in love?” I whispered.

The pounding of my feet on the quiet mountain road seemed to answer my question with a steady slap, slap, slap, that matched my heartbeat. Love was messy. It sent you spiraling out of control, and if you’re lucky, you landed on your feet in one piece standing next to the object of your desire.

“Okay, so I’m spiraling, but I haven’t landed yet.”

If I kept my head clear and focused on the objective, helping Shane, I might get out of this in one piece and not have to leave. Or I could shoot myself in the foot and act like a starry-eyed heroine in every chick flick I’ve ever watched, which meant I was about to act like a psychotic.

“Brilliant. Years of college down the drain because history tells me where love is concerned, I’ll have no control.”

Unfortunately, the farther I ran, the more frustrated and confused I became. “Oh, God, it’s happening already,” I groaned and stopped dead in my tracks, walking in circles to catch my breath. I looked at my watch and saw it was after eight. I’d been running for more than an hour, which also meant I had an hour of running to get back to Maxine’s house.

“Shit,” I cursed, looking up at the sky. “I should have run in circles instead of a straight line . . . And taken this damn teddy off,” I grumbled as I tried to dislodge it from my butt crack.