Wanted(58)

But…Jonathan hadn’t mentioned love.

“Katie, must you make me wait so long? The question wasn’t a hard one.”

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? It was a terribly hard question for her to answer. “Jonathan…I am not without faults,” she said slowly.

“I know that. I have my faults, too. None of us is without sin.”

She shook her head. “No, that is not what I’m trying to say.”

Cool blue eyes met hers. “What are you trying to say?”

Here was her chance. She could tell him everything. Then she would know if he loved her enough to overlook her past and her faults. Her burdens would be gone and she could start anew.

But just as she opened her mouth to do that, all the words stuck in her throat. With some bit of disappointment, she realized she couldn’t do it.

She wasn’t as strong and stalwart as she’d always hoped to be. She was too afraid of rejection. Too afraid to make a lifelong mistake. “I…I mean…I need to think about this. Is that all right?”

“Oh. Well, um, jah, sure. If that is what you want.”

Katie could tell he was disappointed. She was saddened, too. She was disappointed in herself, and, to a certain extent let down by his proposal. She’d hoped for more words of love and caring. Less about duty and her ability to care for his daughters.

She felt choked by the many complicated feelings rolling inside her, and the many harsh truths she had learned about herself.

Slowly, they put away the picnic supplies and settled in for the long ride home. As the breeze picked up, Katie looked around at her surroundings. No longer did the snow-covered ground look magical. No longer did the air feel invigorating and crisp against her skin.

Now she just felt cold.

Jonathan motioned Blacky forward. Without complaint, the sturdy workhorse plodded forward, the weight of the heavy tree not seeming to be a burden. They were on their way home. But this time, instead of moving closer for warmth, they spread farther apart, in accordance with the emotional distance each was feeling.

The cold wind no longer felt fresh and bracing. Instead it burned her cheeks and stung. Her clothes suddenly felt damp and frozen from their snowball fight.

Inside, she felt empty and hollow. She breathed deep and hoped tears wouldn’t fall; she wouldn’t know how to explain them.





Chapter 15




Two days had passed since Jonathan almost proposed. During those forty-eight hours, Katie’s feelings had run a gamut of emotions. At times she felt as elated and buoyant as a new day. Other times she felt sure her life had come full circle and she was in a mighty dark place, indeed.

Had Jonathan’s offer really been a proposal? Or had it been merely an offer to form an agreement of some sorts, in order to keep things the same? Jonathan didn’t seem to make any spur of the moment decisions. Katie doubted he offered marriage without careful consideration of what it would mean to his future.

What would it mean for her future? She was capable of taking care of Mary and Hannah. She could cook and sew, and Jonathan had thought she was companionable. Once again, she remembered watching him just weeks after Sarah’s funeral and wishing she could do something—anything—to bring him comfort. She’d felt so sorry for him. So sorry for his loss.

Back then, when she closed her eyes after her evening’s prayers, she’d think about Jonathan. She’d wonder if Rebekeh had been right, that Jonathan would never wish to marry again. But then, she’d also dare to dream that maybe he would. That maybe he would one day look at her differently. With wonder and yearning. Of course time spent getting to know Jonathan had changed some things. Now she no longer thought of him as just a man who needed help and a partner. She no longer just hoped for his attention. She no longer imagined him without flaws, and therefore above her reach.

Instead, she knew him for everything he was, both good and bad. Jonathan kept to himself, while she reached out for people. He still had many feelings for Sarah, while she only had feelings for him.

And, of course, he only saw the best parts of her. He never guessed of the many mistakes she’d made over the years.

If she continued to try to be perfect, she would win him, and win the life she’d always wanted. But then, of course, it would come with a mighty heavy price.

It was all terribly confusing. All she knew was that the thought of what she might be settling for brought tears to her eyes. Though Katie had never been especially close to Rebekeh, her older sister had always been far too practical to pay any mind to dreamy Katie, she tried to recall Rebekeh’s feelings about love and marriage.

But all she could remember was inevitability. Rebekeh had always known she’d marry as soon as she could. Her lovely, practical sister had been courted, engaged, and finally prepared for the wedding with the businesslike manner of a banker. She’d never given a single sign of ever having second thoughts or of looking back and feeling regret.