Wanted(57)

“I know.”

“When your father mentioned how they were worried about the two of us being alone, I have to tell you, it took me by surprise. I had always assumed things would stay the way they were. I hadn’t counted on things changing.”

“Have they?”

“I think so. Yes. Especially after our talk the other night.”

“How do you feel now?”

He hung his head. “Well, it’s like this. After I went back to my room, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about the past, and what I hope to find in the future. I did some thinking about Winnie, too.”

“What did you discover?”

“It occurred to me that your advice made a lot of sense. I can’t be responsible for everything that’s happened in my life. That’s God’s job. It is mine to accept and to prayerfully let the events guide me.” He paused, as if carefully weighing each word. “I also realized that I can’t blame myself for Sarah’s death anymore.”

His words shocked her. Everyone had known that Sarah’s buggy accident was just that—an accident. “I never knew you felt you were to blame. Why do you?”

“She was my wife. I let her go where she wanted to go. I let her drive that buggy whenever and wherever she wanted to. Maybe if I had told her no, it wouldn’t have happened.”

In spite of the gravity of the conversation, Jonathan’s words made her smile. “I knew Sarah. She was a good woman. But she wasn’t the type of person to be told what to do, Jonathan. Even I know that. I don’t think she would have listened to you if you had told her no.”

“I think I finally have come to believe that, too.” After sipping the last of his drink, he set the mug down. “Yes, it is definitely time for me to move forward. And that is why I think it is time that we came to an agreement.”

With shaking hands, Katie set her mug down as well. Was this what she thought it was? “An agreement?”

Jonathan’s face couldn’t have been more beet red. “I’ve seen how wonderful good you would be for our family. I see that there is much I’ve been missing. You are perfect for the girls. Mary and Hannah need a woman like you—a person of honor and goodness to look up to.”

That was all fine and good. Katie did, indeed, want to be a good mother to the girls. But love from two little girls wasn’t all she needed. She needed love from their father, as well. “And you?” she whispered. “What…what do you need?”

“I need a wife.”

“I see.”

“Any man would be happy to have a wife like you, Katie.”

His words weren’t enough. She wanted them to be. She wanted to be excited about a life with him. But in her heart, Katie knew she had to have love. Otherwise, how could she ever live with her regrets about Brandon? She could have had a life with Brandon, but she’d refused to marry someone she didn’t love with all of her heart.

Now, here, the opposite was happening. She could have the man she loved, but she wouldn’t have his heart.

The irony of it all—the frustration of it all—made her want to burst into tears. When was it ever going to be her time? When would she ever find a relationship that was equal and meant to be?

Of course, she could never bring up all of that to him.

Neither could she tell Jonathan about Brandon. After all, what would he say if he ever learned just how close she’d been to leaving their order? What would Jonathan say if he knew that she’d made many mistakes? That she’d taken advantage of Holly’s friendship because she wanted freedom. Because she’d wanted to know how it felt to have an English boy like her.

What would Jonathan say if he found out she was not as near as complacent as she’d led him to believe? Would he still want her?

Of course he wouldn’t.

Just as important, what would happen if he never found out about her rumspringa? Could Katie face a future filled with secrets?

She quickly sipped her hot chocolate to keep from answering.

Yet, he noticed her dillydallying. “Katie, do you have an answer for me?” Scanning her face, he added quickly, “I intend to speak with your father, of course, but I was eager to speak with you first.”

She couldn’t give him an answer. Not yet. It was hard to wrap her mind around his proposal. The moment felt so different than how she’d always imagined it would be.

Did she even love him? Or was Jonathan Lundy yet another “goal” she’d tried to attain?

To even think such a thing felt wrong.

Against her will, she thought of Brandon. He’d freely confessed his feelings for her. She’d known in an instant that she needed to get away from him. It wasn’t right to use his feelings.