Undersold(33)

I took a deep breath. He was listening attentively, and his face was a mask of concern and sadness. He squeezed my hand and that simple gesture gave me the confidence to continue my story.

“I blamed myself for a long time. It’s maybe why I don’t party much, and why I push myself to work so hard. I feel like I have to make up for her death, because if I hadn’t been such an idiot teenager that night, she never would have been out on the road.”

“You can’t think that way,” he said softly.

“I know. I know I can’t. I don’t really blame myself anymore, or at least as much as I used to. I’ll always think about it. It still drives me in a lot of ways, and it makes me the person that I am. And I wanted you to know about it, because she’s always a part of me, part of why I work so hard. Just like you work to take care of your mother, I work to remember my mother, and to make her happy, wherever she is.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything. I could tell he understood. His body moved closer, and his warmth and strength were comforting presences against me.

“And now you know, I guess.”

“I’m glad you told me, Amy.”

“I’m glad I told you too, actually. I feel...lighter, like I was carrying that around, and now you have a part of it.”

His smile broke across his face like waves against a lifeboat. He wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me deeply, more deeply than he ever had before. I could sense the tenderness he felt for me, and something inside of me cracked fully open and began to well up to the surface. I couldn’t name it yet, but it was there, waiting. The majority of my mind melted into him and was lost in the smell of his body and the warmth of his chiseled arms.

But even during this, one of the calmest moments of my life, when I felt safe and secure in Shane’s arms, there was a small section in the back of my brain that kept wondering: What exactly was he still hiding from me?





18.


After that, we spent the rest of the day in and out of bed. The hours blended into each other, and it scared me a little bit how fast the time could melt away when I was in his arms. But it was good, and comfortable, in a way I hadn’t experienced before. So much of my life was spent in anxious work, trying to get the next project finished, but that lazy Sunday turned into a lazy Monday. There were some benefits to dating the boss. One huge benefit was getting time off. Lazy Monday turned into lazy Tuesday, and suddenly it was Wednesday, and we hadn’t left his house in three days.

We laid together in his bed in the morning, partially dressed. I ran my fingers along the contours of his chest and stomach as he played with my hair.

“I need to go home soon,” I said.

“No, you don’t. Anything you need is here.”

I laughed. “Do you have a change of clothes for me?”

He considered that for a second. “No, I don’t. But we can buy some.”

I shook my head. If we kept this up, I’d never leave, and I think we both knew it.

“I need to go home for a few hours, Shane. Just to get some stuff, freshen up, and make sure my place hasn’t burned down. I’ll be back tonight.”

He sighed and stretched. “I guess that’s reasonable, but I’d still rather you stayed.”

“No more than a few hours. Promise.”

After that, I got dressed. He called his driver, and fifteen minutes later I got into his towncar. The driver was pretty familiar with me by now, and he smiled and nodded as I climbed into the back. The car dropped me off at my apartment. Compared to Old City, my neighborhood was dingy and dirty, and I felt a little nervous. I was wearing the same clothes I wore Sunday afternoon, but freshly laundered. Still, I had an odd sense of déjà vu as I went upstairs.

Inside, nothing had burned down. I dropped my stuff in a corner, and started packing another bag. We hadn’t talked much more about our family lives after Sunday, and the idea that Shane was hiding something from me was a constant, nagging presence. Fortunately, we did other things that kept me distracted, and I hadn’t had much of a chance to obsess too much about it. Even more than that, on Monday morning I found a small necklace, gold and silver interlocking lines, with a string of three small diamonds at the end. I had no idea when he found the time to buy it for me, but it was perfect. I hadn’t taken it off since, and treasured its weight. I couldn’t tell if it was an apology gift, or a bribe, or just because, but I loved it anyway.

As I was shoving clean clothes into my old suitcase, my phone buzzed. I smiled and assumed it was Shane checking up on me.

Hey, are you home right now? It was a text from Jim. I hadn’t heard from him since my congratulations party those few months ago, which was odd, but I was happy he messaged me. I had been thinking about him recently.