Undersold(35)

“I miss you guys too. Working for the man is tough,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s not just that. I don’t know how to say it. Ever since you started working at Swirl, I haven’t been able to think of anything else. Then we got close over your time there, and I think you’re the only person who really knows me. Then you left, and I realized something.”

It hit me like a sledgehammer. I had a pretty good idea of what he was about to say, and my entire body tensed. He looked back at me and his eyes were deep and something passionate burned behind them.

“I’m in love with you, Amy. I have been for a while, I think. It took you leaving for me to really realize it. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Silence hung between us. I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. Everybody said Jim had feelings for me, but I guess I never took it seriously. He was a cute band kid; he played shows for screaming indie chicks all the time. Why would he have any interest in a boring normal like me? There are plenty of chicks with tattoos who would have loved to be with him.

“Jim....” I said, totally at a loss. How could I hurt someone I cared about?

“I know this is coming out of nowhere. And you don’t need to respond. It’s just, you get me, Amy. You always have. You’re funny and brilliant and way too fucking sexy, and the worst part is you don’t even realize it.”

I could feel myself spiraling out of control. As he spoke, all the hours we spent together working closely, talking about our lives, came back to me. He was one of the few people to encourage me in the beginning. When most of my college friends disappeared from my life, he was there for me. Darcy was great, but she wasn’t around every day to listen like Jim was. He was the most stable person in my life since I moved to Philadelphia, and I realized how important he had been. Without a friend like Jim, figuring out how to live in a new city, completely on my own, would have been so much harder.

“I don’t know what to say,” I managed.

He shifted closer to me, and I was suddenly intensely aware of my short dress, and of the boyish slant of his jaw, and the deep pools of his eyes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I didn’t come here for you to give me something. I just needed you to know, before you disappeared completely, how I felt. That I’m thinking about you.”

I had the sudden urge to take his hand. I wanted to hold him and thank him for everything he did for me. For being there when I was lost and lonely in this city, drowning in student debt, working late nights for no pay, and barely making ends meet. I wanted to thank him for being the best person in my life. I wanted to reach out and kiss him, but I knew he wouldn’t understand.

I couldn’t do any of that, and I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair. Because I didn’t love him, and I never would love him, and I think we both knew that. Shane spiraled through my mind. I knew that if I disappeared from Jim’s life, it would be a kind of mercy.

Jim looked at me in silence for another moment, then shifted his body away, and stood.

“Wait, you don’t have to go right now. If you don’t want to,” I said.

“I should probably get going. I said what I wanted to say.”

I stood up. “Look, you’re an important person to me. I don’t want to lose you from my life. I don’t want to disappear.”

His face was grim. “But you don’t feel the same way.”

How was I supposed to respond to that? How was I supposed to break this good guy’s heart? And in that moment, I realized the only thing I could give him was honesty, for his sake and for mine. I owed him that small kindness at least.

“I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry. You’re an amazing guy, and you’ll find someone eventually, but that someone isn’t me.”

He hung his head. I felt like part of me was breaking in half.

“Yeah, I understand.” He moved toward the door, and I wanted to ask him to stay, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to be strong, for both our sakes. “See you later, Amy. Good luck with your new job.”

“Bye, Jim.” He opened the door and was gone.

I sat back down on the arm of the couch and wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t really sad. I knew my life had changed. I was in a completely new realm now, and I was leaving the old world behind. There was no going back anymore.





19.


The car came for me an hour later. The driver took my suitcase and loaded it into the trunk, then took me out to Shane’s house. The driver then carried my suitcase to the top of the stoop and rang the bell for me. I wasn’t used to someone treating me like that, but he smiled and nodded, almost as if he could sense my discomfort. I realized I was struggling to fit into Shane’s lifestyle, which was vastly different from my own. I grew up with little, and lived on less for a long time. Now, I was dating a billionaire, and I had to get used to the luxury that he could provide me.