Trade It All(29)

The room spun, and Willa gripped the back of one of the chairs to steady herself. Memories of that night were still painful as they tore through her. “You’re hurting my arm,” she said, pulling at her arm.

He relaxed his hold, but didn’t release her. “Look at me, Willa.”

She did and his expression turned tormented. She couldn’t hide her anger from him. It was no longer worth trying to deny it was there. “I thought I could do this, Lance, but I can’t.”

“Why?” his asked in a tight voice. “Was it that bad?”

The absurdity of the question made her laugh sadly. “The sex? No, the sex was fine.” Some of her fury was replaced by deep sadness. There was no way back. Explaining why wouldn’t make either of them feel better. “The past is done and gone. Let it go.”

He shook his head. “I can’t. Why did you send Lexi on the date the next day? I know I didn’t handle myself well after we—”

“Fucked?” she asked harshly, using the vulgar description to trivialize what they’d done.

Lance waved his free hand in the air. “I was twenty with more hormones than brains. But I liked you. I didn’t realize it was Lexi until it was too late.”

This time Willa did pull free. “Exactly, you didn’t realize it was Lexi. You even kissed her. Maybe more. Honestly, I don’t care.” Willa stepped away to leave, but Lance blocked her path again.

“Yes, I kissed her. She said she was you. She was in your fucking clothes. I was out of my mind confused already. The last thing I expected was for you to send someone else in your place. Why did you?”

Willa crossed her arms protectively across herself. Is that what he thought? That I sent her? She thought back to the hateful things he’d said to her the next time he’d seen her. He’d called her immature and had gone on and on about how wrong he’d been to think he could be with someone like her. At the time she’d thought he was referring to her declaration of love, but had the switch hurt him as well? She’d never considered that possibility. “I didn’t send her. Lexi told me you needed to do something for your father that day. I believed her.”

Lance brought a hand to his forehead. “Why would she do that?”

Blinking back tears, Willa shook with emotion. “Maybe she thought she was protecting me from you. She was suspicious that something had happened between us. Or maybe she wanted to prove she could have you too, if she wanted. I used to care about the real reason, but I don’t anymore. And asking the questions only makes it hurt more.”

“I didn’t know, Willa.”

“You should have.” I gave you everything. My body. My heart. How could you kiss every inch of me and not see that it was Lexi the next day?

His shoulders slumped a little. “I’m sorry. It was stupid. I can’t change what happened. But I am—I’m sorry. How long can you hate me for something I did ten years ago?”

His apology was a torment of its own. If only it had ended with Lexi pretending to be her and him not knowing the difference. She could have forgiven him for that.

I don’t hate you. This would be so much easier if I did.

She covered her face with one hand. “When she came back and told me you’d kissed her, a piece of me died. I know you think it was a ridiculous case of puppy love, but it was more than that. For me, at least. It was more. Then you were so angry.”

“Shit, Willa. I don’t know what else to say. I was young and self-absorbed. I felt like a fool when I thought you’d sent your sister in your place.” He took the hand away from her eyes gently. “I said stupid things.”

Still holding his hand, Willa felt his tension. His regret was sincere. It made what she knew she had to do even harder. Reliving that time, even briefly, had shaken her deeply. She’d once judged Sophie for hanging on to a loss so tightly her family paid for it. That kind of pain had been inconceivable to Willa until she’d experienced a loss of her own and discovered there were wounds that time doesn’t heal. Can’t heal.

And some held the terrifying power of ripping everything away from a person.

She’d come to a truce, if not peace, with herself. She’d survived. Her relationship with Lexi was still intact. Hell, they still shared an apartment together. She wouldn’t allow the past to continue to hurt her. Moving forward, Willa. It was better for all of them if Lance thought she was upset because of mistaken identity. There was no need for him to know . . . Intent on keeping the rest to herself, she said, “It’s okay, Lance. It was a long time ago. We were both young, and maybe that’s all we’re guilty of.” This time she gently removed her hand from his. “We’ll probably always be part of each other’s lives, but that’s all there can ever be for us.”