Three Thousand Miles(7)

“If you feel that way then you still have to talk to him you can’t lead him on you know first-hand how that feels.” Sophie sighs and lies back in the chair. She looks very pretty today. A little overdone with the make-up but that is just Sophie. Her dark straight hair is tied up in a long high ponytail. She has on a tight red sweater and dark blue denim boot cut jeans with a pair of dark brown boots. She always looks good in whatever she wears with her tall curvaceous body. Sometimes I wish that I could look like her. She is much taller than I am and has a shapelier figure than I have. The more I think of her, the more I think that she would be a better match for Michael, than I ever could be. I start to wonder if maybe it is Michael that she sees, as more, and maybe it’s him that she wants!





Two



Evening draws closer and the sky of New York is glooming dark. I look out the window and I think of Adrian, where is he? Why hasn’t he been in contact with me? Does he even love me anymore? So many possibilities about him are rushing in my mind. And over at the other side of my mind, I wonder about Michael and how that I owe my life to him and yet I haven’t even thanked him. I wonder where Michael is. He has possibly gone back to London. After all, he did say that he was leaving just before we were shot. I could not bear it if he has. Although I love Adrian and I am heartbroken that he has left me. I still could not lose Michael and I really hope that I have not. I think back to when Michael asked me to go away with him. I think of his voice and the way his eyes were. He looked so sure, that this was what he wanted, and I knew that he was heartbroken when I turned him down. I will always feel guilty for bringing him into this. I have wished every second, that I have been awake, that Michael had stayed in his room that day. I cannot tolerate the thought of him being in pain and I know from my own aches how horrendous they are. However, if Michael had not of come with me that day then there is a strong chance that I may not be here today. I see how my mom and Sophie beam as they talk about the hero that is Michael. I will always be grateful to him but that did not stop me from getting annoyed when my mom was talking bad about Adrian. I felt so irritated at her words and I would never have expected them. Although Adrian is not here and it looks as if he does not care about me something inside of me is screaming out that he does care. The love he said he had for me could not have just gone away and I will never give up until he is back by my side. I long for him and his glowing green eyes. I wish that I could hear his deep English accent once again. I desire his kiss and his kind silkiness that is hidden under a cool, steel frame. The broken man who went through so much, as a child, that it is impossible for him to trust or love anyone. Yet he loved me and showed me nothing but that. He proved his love and he was about to ask me to marry him. However, the hands of which love is presented would not allow me to have him. God spoke and I was struck by lightning. I never got the chance to say yes or no and I feel that I was being punished for wanting both Adrian and Michael. No-one could be that selfish, yet I was. I led on Michael, I tore two brothers apart and I will never forgive what I did, and every second I wish that I could change how I feel. If only, I could just want one of them, my life would be much easier, however, I do not and I know that is my downfall. I feel in my heart that Adrian is all I want but if that were true then I could let Michael go. I would not need Michael if I were so sure that Adrian is the guy for me. I long for my choice to be made and I wish that I could have one straight answer on how I feel. I am here in hospital and neither of them is here with me. If they cared, then why aren’t they here? My heart sinks as I draw in the only conclusion I have and that is that I have lost them both.

I toss and turn all night with images of Adrian in my head. The feeling I have in my stomach is like blades ripping into my skin. My teeth are permanently clenched from the pain and the drugs seem to take no effect. I feel again, that this is possibly another one of my punishments that I have to take. I lay awake and stare up at the high dark ceiling. I reach over to the sliding table and pull it weakly across to me. I sit up gently and slowly and grab the white phone. With one weak hand I scroll through my emails wondering and hoping that Adrian had contacted me. I am, yet again, disappointed when I see that he has not. I sigh as I read down the list and his name is not there. If only he could understand that, this is not his fault. He needs to move on from this now and put the past behind him. I survived and I strongly believe that it was the love that I have for him which saved my life. He was the last thing that entered my mind before everything went dark. The last image I saw was of his green eyes, I remember vividly in my mind the sound of his voice when he says my name. I feel a tear begin to run down my face and I quickly wipe it away. My mind is puzzled and I have no answers to how my life got so complicated. I never used to have any problems but now I have a ton. The capacity of worry that I have is consuming me and I cannot shake it off or even try to fight it. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I cannot fail at college as I have in love. Mrs Henderson understood about my absence and she did try her best to make sure that I got to sit the all-important exams which never came to be. If all I have in life right now is, college then that will be my priority. I will get out of this hospital and I will graduate. It is as Maggie always says, careers are important and none more so than mine. The job which I want to pursue is ultra-close to my heart. Ever since Adrian told me his story, it has been drummed into my mind that helping children is my goal in life. If I could stop, the suffering of one child then that would make my job worthwhile. Helping and giving back to the community is now what my life is all about. I need to focus on this if I am to get through life without Adrian and Michael. Helping will be my passion and getting out of this hospital will now be my main concern.