Thoughtful(216)

“I do too,” she murmured.

Our fingers separated. Kiera ran hers up my shoulder, mine trailed down her necklace again. “I’ve thought about you every day.” My fingers kept going, ghosting over her chest, her bra. “I’ve dreamt about you every night.” My fingers trailed along her ribs, hers tangled in my hair. It was intoxicating, and confusing. “But…I don’t know how to let you back in.”

I pulled back a little to take in her expression; all I saw looking back at me was confident love. I wished I felt the same. I wanted so much to just push all of my fears aside and say yes to whatever this might be, because holding her felt so right. But it had gone so horribly wrong before…I wouldn’t survive another heartbreak like that. She was so hard to resist though. My lips lowered to hover just above hers. “I don’t know how to keep you out either.”

That’s when I was shoved from behind. Someone laughed, but I couldn’t concentrate on it for long. That small push had closed the distance between Kiera’s lips and mine, and now that we were touching, all thought of walking away fled my mind. I simply…couldn’t.

We froze in shock for a few seconds, then we melted into a long-desired kiss. It felt different than before, guilt-free, careless, and about ten times as intense. I wasn’t sure if I was going to start letting out tears of joy, curl into a ball of misery, or throw her down on the ground and take her.

“Oh, God, I’ve missed…” I couldn’t even complete my thought. Our kiss heated, and still my stupid body tried to speak my conflicting emotions. “I can’t…” do this again. “I don’t…” want to be hurt again. “I want…” you. A deep groan escaped me, and Kiera matched the sound. “Oh, God…Kiera.”

Breath intense, I pulled back to grip her face. Her tears were streaming again, but her breath was just as quick as mine. I wanted her…so much. “You wreck me,” I growled before crashing my lips down to hers.

I pushed her into the wall as our eager kiss revved up my body. Her hands tangled into my hair. She wanted me, I wanted her, and this was really happening. Just as I was running my fingers along the amazing indentation along her lower back, contemplating how many steps away from the back room we were, Kiera gently pushed me away. Confused, I offered no resistance. Was she saying no again? I shouldn’t be surprised, this happened all the time, but yeah, I was. Hurt immediately started filling my body, freezing my chest with a bone-numbing ache.

Kiera seemed to understand what I was thinking. Seeing the pain in my eyes, she immediately said, “I want you. I choose you. It will be different this time, everything will be different. I want to make this work with you.”

The ache started fading as her words lessened my fears. She wasn’t saying no, she was saying, Not like this. I could accept that. Still fighting the desire within me, I gazed at her lips, her eyes, then back to her lips again. “How do we do that? This is what we do…back and forth, back and forth. You want me, you want him. You love me, you love him. You like me, you hate me, you want me, you don’t want me, you love me…you leave me. There’s so much that went wrong before…”

The ever-cycling pain of our relationship overwhelmed me. Even if she did want me, I wasn’t sure I could do it again. Being in love was so hard. But not being in love was even worse. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Stay, go, love her, leave her.

Kiera brought a hand to my cheek, and I looked up to her eyes. “Kellan, I’m naïve and insecure. You’re a…moody artist.” My lip twitched at our inside joke that wasn’t really a joke, but I contained my laugh. Kiera continued with a smile that warmed and relaxed me. “Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies, and complications, and we’ve both tormented and hurt each other…and others. We’ve both made mistakes…so many mistakes.” Leaning back, her smile widened. “So how about we slow down? How about we just…date…and see how it goes?”

It seemed so simple, I was momentarily stunned. Everything about us had been so intense for so long, it was hard to picture it being any other way. But maybe…if we took a step back, went a little slower, we could ease into this, and maybe then we wouldn’t both be so scared.

It was the perfect solution, and I was surprised it hadn’t occurred to me earlier. I thought an all-or-nothing approach was it for us, but that wasn’t necessarily true. I definitely wanted to do this, to see where this could go, but first…I had to tease Kiera a little for her choice of words. I tossed on a devilish smile, and Kiera instantly understood. She’d asked to date me, and in my past, dating had meant sex. Pointless, meaningless sex. I knew that wasn’t what she meant now, but making her blush was fun.