Thoughtful(219)

But everything being right didn’t mean that everything was perfect. Kiera and I had issues. We had insecurities. We even occasionally had doubts. But we did our best to talk them out, to work through them instead of burying them.

The universe made that challenging at times. A half-naked woman showing up on my doorstep brought a hefty dose of tension into the relationship. I asked her to leave and never come back, but after shutting the door on the disappointed woman, I turned to Kiera with a knot of dread in my stomach.

Her eyes were dark with suspicion, and I clearly knew what she was thinking—What would you have done if I hadn’t been here? I answered the question in her eyes before she could even verbalize it. “In case you’re wondering, yes, I would have done exactly what I just did if you weren’t here. I only want you.”

Impressing the hell out of me, Kiera let it go. If the situation were reversed, I think I would have reacted differently. In fact, sometimes I was the one who lost it. She came across me one day while I was staring at the closed door leading into the bedroom she’d once shared with Denny and thinking dark thoughts that I shouldn’t have been thinking.

Maybe seeing my troubled expression, Kiera wrapped her arms around me and asked, “Everything okay?”

Not wanting to fight about things that didn’t matter anymore, I turned from the door and started heading downstairs. “Yeah, fine.”

She followed me, and at the bottom of the stairs, she grabbed my elbow. Searching my face, she said, “You’re not okay. What’s wrong?”

With a harsh swallow, I considered telling her that nothing was wrong, but swallowing my pain wouldn’t help it go away, so I instead said, “It’s just…I have to look at that damn door every day, and remember…that’s where you had sex with another man. And sometimes, it’s just too much.”

I pulled away from her, but she held on tight. “I know. Trust me, when I look at that door—”

I didn’t want to be angry with her, but her words stung. “It’s not the same for you as it is for me!”

She bristled at my tone of voice. “Maybe that room isn’t the same for me as it is for you…but I have to deal with the ghosts of all of your women every time I go in your room. Do you think that’s easy for me?”

I understood where she was coming from, but I was in a dark place, and in no mood to be understanding. “I didn’t take a woman to my bed after I told you I loved you. I stayed faithful to you…but you…you fucked him. You fucked him right after our perfect afternoon together. Well, it was perfect for me, but it must not have meant shit to you, because you fucked him, Kiera!”

Every time I swore, my voice got angrier and more intense. Kiera’s cheeks flushed and her eyes watered. “Don’t do this, Kellan. Don’t open that door. I’ve already apologized, and you said you understood. I was…confused.”

“I do understand! That’s what makes it so fucked up. I understand, but that doesn’t make it any easier.” A tear rolled down her cheek and regret washed over me. I hadn’t meant to bring it up…I wanted to let the past go, I really did. Sinking my head into my hands, I muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick, it just…it hurts, Kiera. It really fucking hurts.”

I felt the darkness and anger shifting into pain. I wished that had gone away the second Kiera and I had become a couple, but every once in a while, agony reared its ugly head. Kiera made multiple quiet apologies in my ear as she tried to put her arms around me. For a second, I didn’t let her, but then I caved, because I knew I had to let this go if we were going to move forward. And I wanted to move forward with her…so much.

Letting go wasn’t something that happened all at once though. It was a gradual process, with giant steps forward, and then a few steps back. We’d be happy and content, doting on each other, stealing soft kisses at Pete’s, then all of a sudden, something would happen to disturb our peace…like a couple of girls inviting me out right in front of Kiera.

I knew by the look on Kiera’s face that trouble was brewing, so I turned the girls down and hopped onstage as fast as I could. For the remainder of her shift, Kiera acted like everything was fine, but afterward, in the parking lot, she made a snide comment that I had almost been expecting. “Should we stop by the store on the way home? I think we’re out of whipped cream.”

Stopping in my tracks, I stared at her watery eyes. I knew she was upset, and I knew exactly what her comment was referencing. “I turned them down, Kiera. I always turn all of them down. You don’t have anything to worry about.”