Thou Shalt Not(94)

When Holly had finally found me, I explained to her all that was going through my head. It had been almost like a mini-breakdown. But, I told her there was no way I was ready for a relationship. I told her maybe we were better off just being friends while I got my head on straight. She agreed and said she had been thinking those things too. We agreed to basically be friends with benefits while sitting on that bench. We then went into the reception after I assured her I would be okay.

I hadn’t even given the church a second thought since then. But, there she was on that same bench.

I sat down next to her. She didn’t try to stop me.

KM+WP were still together, at least if the bench was to be believed.

Her eyes were wet, but there were no tears falling. There had been though, I was sure.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d remember this place,” she said.

“I did as soon as I saw the picture.”

We both sat in silence for a moment. I had no idea what was going through her head.

A squirrel ran across the courtyard.

“I come here a lot. At night. It’s so peaceful.”

I had expected anger, not whatever this was.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s nice.”

“It’s ironic, though.”

“What do you mean?” I asked,

“I come here to clear my head, to get away. I look forward to it.”

“How is that ironic?”

“Because, this is where you broke my heart.”

She said it so matter-of-factly that it took a second to sink in.

“Wait. What are you talking about?”

“You don’t remember our conversation here?”

“No, of course I do.”

“You told me we would make better friends than anything else, and we should stop while we were ahead.”

Still, so matter of fact.

“Well, yeah. But Holly, you agreed with me. You even said you had been thinking it too but hadn’t said so.”

“What was I supposed to say, Luke? ‘No, I think you’re wrong?’ I wasn’t going to argue with you. You hadn’t been in a relationship since she died. I couldn’t tell you it was time to move on. You never would have spoken to me again.”

“That’s not true.” But maybe it was.

Holly continued on. It was obvious she had wanted to say all of this for a while. So, I let her talk.

“So, I gave you space. I really did try to be what you needed. It hurt because I wanted to be with you. All the time. Not just as a fuck buddy. No girl just wants to be a fuck buddy. Ever. But, that’s what I thought you wanted so I just kept being that for you. God, I even dated other guys just to kill time while hoping you’d eventually come around. I never even slept with them, Luke. Not once.”

“I thought you did? You said you did, didn’t you?”

“No, I never did. I lied. I wanted you to think I was functioning in normal relationships. But, I couldn’t do it. I was having sex with you and even though it wasn’t as often as it would have been if we had been in a relationship, I didn’t want that with anyone else. I only wanted you.”

Her words were sinking in. We had never talked about feelings or anything like that before. The only conversation we really had was here on the bench a few years before. Our serious moments were so few and far between, I had thought maybe we were actually functioning in one of the few healthy FWB situations on the planet. But she was right—those don’t exist. They don’t even exist in the movies. How could they have a chance of existing in real life? There are always feelings on one side at least. And if I let myself be honest for a second, the feelings had been on both sides.

This whole night was crazy. I drove my fingers through my hair.

“And, lately, I thought my waiting had paid off. That you were warming up to the idea of us. Things have been good. We’ve actually talked. Holy shit, I have wanted to really talk for as long as I can remember. And then tonight, I went over there just to drop off something I bought for you. And I found...” Her voice caught, and she stopped herself.

Holly was fighting tears now.

“And then, it hit me,” she said softly.

“What did?”

She was crying now.

“I love you, Luke. But you’re never going to love me back.”

Those words didn’t sink in. They hit me like a baseball bat to the head.

We had never used that word. Ever.

Love?

She said love.

“Whoa,” I said. “What did you just say?”

“Huh?” she said, looking up at me, tears still in her eyes.

“You just said you loved me, Holly.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know.”

Oh my god.

I stood up and laced my fingers behind my head, breathing in deeply. No one had told me they loved me in a really long time. Not since Carrie.