Thou Shalt Not(90)

“You don’t have to punish yourself for those mistakes. You were young. But, continuing to live in a mistake once you’ve learned better is the worst thing you can do for yourself. You have no right to punish yourself any more for that choice. You have been punished enough just by having to live with him.”

“I don’t mean it like that, Luke. I am going to suffer the consequences for my mistake. Even if I decided not to leave him. There will be consequences for my actions. I think about that a lot. My kids will be dragged through it. Marco will make things miserable for me. He could and would do everything in his power to make things miserable for you too. Even if he never found out I had already started something with you. You’ve already been through so much. So, I question whether or not I’m willing to put you through even more. And whether I can subject my kids to that.”

Her voice quivered when she mentioned her children. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her toward me. She cried, her head pressed to my chest.

“I don’t want him to come back,” she said through tears. “And I want my babies.”

“Listen,” I said, as she continued to cry. “You don’t get to make the decisions for me. I want to have something with you. Something that doesn’t involve sneaking around and trying to keep things under wraps. I know it won’t be easy, but I want you, and whatever comes with you.”

“Okay,” she said.

I lifted her chin up and looked at her face. Her eyes were wet with tears, and her eyelashes glistened in the light.

I kissed her cheek and could taste the saltiness of her tears on my lips. I kissed the other cheek, and then her forehead.

Then I kissed her lips. The kiss started slow and continued that way, but I could feel it in places I had never felt a kiss before. I loved Carrie as a young, inexperienced kid. The things I felt for April were more complex. I was more complex. Was this love?

My hands were on her waist, and hers were laced behind my head.

She began to scoot off the bench, pulling me down with her. Before I knew it, she was lying down on the dock and I was on top of her.

We continued to kiss as she undid my belt and unzipped my pants. I grew hard the second she touched my bare skin.

She took my shaft into her right hand, and with her left hand I could tell she was pulling her panties to the side, making room for me. She guided me inside her, and I felt her warmth wash over me. I buried my face in her neck for a minute. This was the best part—the heat, the tightness. Her legs open and tensed.

People would have been able to see us on the dock if they had been looking out their back windows. But we were oblivious as we made love to the sound of the water lapping against the dock, illuminated by the light of the moon.





I dropped April off at her house a little while later so that she could get her things and drive her car over. I went on ahead without her.

When I pulled into my neighborhood, I saw a car in my driveway. Holly’s.

Oh god.

Foolishly, I had thought maybe if I just stopped talking to her during the day she would go back to Kyle and work things out and everything would be fine. That we wouldn’t have to talk about things. But, I had known things were changing for her, that she was developing an attachment to me again. Hell, even I was feeling it. Squashing feelings was a gift of mine. So, I was stupid to think I could casually sever it by not talking to her for a few days.

She had a key to my house, so she was already inside, seated on the couch when I walked in. A white bra was next to her on the couch. April’s. In our haste to leave that morning, April had put her tank top on and gone braless. I remembered her nipples poking out spectacularly as I had driven her to her house.

“Well, I know this isn’t mine,” Holly said, forgoing salutations. “Way too small.”

“Look, Holly, I…”

She cut me off.

“Spare me.”

She stood up and tossed the bra at me. I caught it out of instinct. She walked out the front door and I followed her to the driveway, bra still in hand.

“Holly, wait.”

“For what, Luke?” she said, turning back toward me. Her voice was cold. “I’ve waited. I’ve dated other people while I waited. For you. Because you needed time to heal. I was always there when you needed someone, something. A fuck. A friend. And here I thought we had finally turned the corner.” She shook her head, and then her voiced cracked. “God, I’m so stupid.”

“No, you aren’t stupid,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say.

There it was, out in the open. I knew the feelings were there, but I wasn’t sure either of us was ever going to acknowledge them. I had spent so much time mentally on what was going to be happening with April, that I hadn’t been thinking much about what was happening right in front of me with Holly.