Thou Shalt Not(91)

I had thought Holly was too badass to let something like this bother her. I thought I’d be able to tell her and she would be understanding. We fuck each other; we fuck other people. But, I was stupid for thinking that, for trying to excuse what I was doing. And Holly was the one paying the price.

“You aren’t the stupid one, Holly.”

“Just shut the fuck up. Leave me alone.”

I moved quickly to cut her off at her car door before she could reach it. She swung her arm at me, trying to either hit me or push me to the side, but she missed. Her feet moved backwards as she stepped away from me.

“Move,” she said.

“No.”

“Get the fuck away from my car.”

I didn’t move.

“Let’s talk.”

We stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I tried thinking of a way to explain everything, but “I’m sleeping with my married coworker” wasn’t a great way to start a conversation with a woman who was hurting and mad as hell.

“Who is she?” she finally asked. I had known that question would come.

“Her name is April,” I said.

Her eyes got big, as if the name rang a bell.

“The soup lady? The one you said was taking over Robin’s class?”

God, how did she even remember that?

“Yeah.”

“So, you’ve had this secret girlfriend on the side and were just using me as a good ol’ fuck buddy who you could toss to the side whenever you had to?”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Holly. It isn’t like that.”

“You’re just fucking her too? What, is she married or something?”

I could tell she meant the last part sarcastically, but when I didn’t answer immediately, she knew.

“Oh my god, she is.”

I was still standing in front of her car door, but she began pacing back and forth in a small space. Three feet to her right, then back to where she started and then three feet to the left.

“It’s complicated, Holly. I can explain.”

She held her hand up as she paced, silencing me.

“How long?”

“What?”

She stopped pacing.

“How long have you been fucking her?”

I paused for a second to think. Had it really only been twenty-four hours ago that April and I had sex for the first time?

“Since last night.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, Holly, it’s true.”

I could tell she was processing the information.

“So, that,” she said, pointing at the bra that I had balled up in my hand. “That is from last night?”

“Yes.” I said. “I dropped her off at her house this morning before work. She left it here accidentally.”

There was no use in lying to her now.

“You only fucked her once?”

I shook my head.

“God,” she said, closing her eyes.

“Her husband is abusive,” I said. I wasn’t sure why I had said it. The words had just kind of fallen out.

“Oh, and you are saving her with your dick, is that it? Because I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know what his wife has been up to.”

For a second I wondered what Holly would do with the information she had. If she would figure out who April was, and somehow contact Marco and tell him everything. I didn’t think she would do that. But, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

“That’s not what I meant, Holly.”

“Why her?”

“Excuse me?”

The look on her face was foreign. I had never seen her eyelids lower themselves that way, or her lips pull into a pucker like what I said tasted like an emotional lemon. It was hurt. Deep hurt. I clenched my fists.

“Why her?” Her voice cracked again. “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

My mind went searching for an answer. I was ashamed that I didn’t already have one. Why April? Because I thought she was sexy? Because I wanted to kiss her neck? Because she smelled good? Because she made me soup? Those wouldn’t hold up in any court, much less with Holly. It had all made so much sense at the time, but now I felt ashamed.

I had so quickly thrown caution to the wind in starting something with April. I mean, god, I had only known her a few weeks. But I had been so focused on whether or not it was right to start something with her that I hadn’t bothered to stop and ask why I would be willing to start something with her in the first place. I had been happy with Holly. Very.

So, why April?

And then it hit me that I didn’t have a reason that made sense. And it would sound even more ridiculous if I feebly tried to explain it out loud. I wasn’t going to be able to convince Holly with an answer. I suddenly wasn’t even able to convince myself.