Thou Shalt Not(95)

“I didn’t,” I said. “I didn’t. This whole time, I thought...I didn’t know. You always said you liked the way things were. I didn’t know.”

I sat back down, my hands shaking.

“I knew I loved you the last time we sat on this bench.”

“How?”

“Because your heart doesn’t break for someone you just want to sleep with.”

I was never one to throw the word “love” around. It was always a serious word to me. I had probably told three people in my life that weren’t family that I loved them. Holly wasn’t a flippant person with feelings either. I had no doubt she meant love when she said love. And that’s why I was floored.

“Why haven’t you said this before?” I asked.

“I just thought it would work out,” she said, shaking her head. “I thought you’d realize.”

But, I had realized. Not to the extent where I would have thought she loved me, but I certainly realized feelings were there.

I moved to the grass in front of the bench and sat facing her.

She was beautiful, truly, but she wasn’t some porcelain doll who had been sitting on a shelf her whole life. Holly had been forced to really live life early on, and her face bore the edge she had been required to develop. Her eyes, especially. But, underneath that badass exterior was a woman who was still fragile, who still needed to be taken care of. She was always kind. Always putting other people first and removing her own feelings or desires from the equation to be able to be what people needed her to be. I had seen her do that over and over again. Hell, if Albert were to be believed, she was doing it all the time, no matter who knew. And I was positive it was true. But, for some reason I had missed the fact that she had also been doing it for me the whole time too.

And now, here she sat before me, having bared her soul for the first time. She wasn’t the type to let people see the vulnerable side of her, and I knew what it had to have taken for her to get to that point.

This wasn’t one of those “let’s smooth things over” moments. I had to choose what I really wanted. Not, just for an exciting next few months, but for what could potentially be a lifetime. Yes, I enjoyed myself with April. She did make me feel alive. I felt that spark around her. But I really knew so little about her. I realized that when she had gotten nasty with Holly. Holly didn’t have a side like that. Everything she did tonight was a reaction to the hurt I had caused her. But, April hadn’t been hurt, and she attacked anyway. Cruelly.

Albert hadn’t said anything directly when he decided to share his stories about Holly, but he didn’t have to because I knew what he was saying. And he was right.

Holly was kind to everyone, not to put on a show or look better than she really was. Her essence was kindness, and she didn’t call attention to it. She just lived it every day. While cussing profusely and pretending that she didn’t.

“I was an ass,” I finally said. “Really, I was. I am. I knew feelings were there. On your end. God, they were there on my end too. The other morning I woke up and you weren’t there and I missed you and wished you were. I’m not sure why I pursued anything with her. You asked me earlier why her, and I don’t think I have an answer to that. When I got married, I chose wrong. I never should have married Carrie. God, I’ve never actually said that out loud.” I dropped my head.

I felt like a terrible person for saying it. But, I had thought it plenty. Best to acknowledge it and get it out there. Accept it.

“I chose wrong and knew it. But she got sick. And then she was gone. And it hurt. She may not have been the right one for me, but we were still close. It hurt bad. And the idea of getting into anything else scared me. Because I could choose wrong again. And because the next person could leave me too.”

The words just flowed. They weren’t rehearsed. But I was the one whose voice was cracking now.

“Maybe I saw we were getting closer lately and I went after something that wasn’t serious. But it was serious, in a different way. Because she’s married. And she’s a coworker. I was selfish. And foolish. And you asked why and it hit me. I could list a million different reasons if she had asked me why you. But when you asked why her, I couldn’t.”

“What are you saying, Luke?”

The words from Carrie’s letter came flashing back to me. “The right one for you will probably have been in front of you the whole time. I know you, you won’t be paying attention. But, don’t let her slip through the cracks.”

April leaving my life would remove some fun I’d had over the last few weeks, a chemistry that did exist. But, I didn’t want to think about Holly exiting my life. Then it hit me. Hard.