The Sunset Limited(20)

Black No you aint. You a smart man. Too smart for me.

White I feel the bag yawning.

Black I wish I knew how.

White Do you really think that? That I’m too smart for you?

Black Yes I do. If you can jack you own self around nine ways from Sunday I’d like to know what chance you think I got.

White I see.

Black What I need to do here is to buy more time. But I dont know what to buy it with.

White You dont know what to offer a man about to board the Limited.

Black No. I dont. I feel like I’m about traded out.

White Maybe you are. Have you ever dealt with suicides?

Black No. You the first one. These junkies and crack-heads is about as far from suicide as you can get. They wouldnt even know what you was talkin about. They wake up in pain ever day. Bad pain. But they aint headed for the depot. Now you can say, well, they got a fix for their pain. Just need to hustle on out there and get it. And that’s a good argument. But still we got this question. Just what is this pain that is causin these express riders to belly up at the kiosk with the black crepe. What kind of pain we talkin about? I got to say that if it was grief that brought folks to suicide it’d be a full time job just to get em all in the ground come sundown. So I keep comin back to the same question. If it aint what you lost that is more than you can bear then maybe it’s what you wont lose. What you’d rather die than to give up.

White But if you die you will give it up.

Black No you wont. You wont be here.

White Well. I cant help you. Letting it all go is the place I finally got to. It took a lot of work to get there and if there is one thing I would be unwilling to give up it is exactly that.

Black You got any other way of sayin that?

White The one thing I wont give up is giving up. I expect that to carry me through. I’m depending on it. The things I believed in were very frail. As I said. They wont be around for long and neither will I. But I dont think that’s really the reason for my decision. I think it goes deeper. You can acclimate yourself to loss. You have to. I mean, you like music, right?

Black Yes I do.

White Who’s the greatest composer you know of?

Black John Coltrane. Hands down.

White Do you think his music will last forever?

Black Well. Forever’s a long time, Professor. So I got to say no. It wont.

White But that doesnt make it worthless, does it?

Black No it dont.

White You give up the world line by line. Stoically. And then one day you realize that your courage is farcical. It doesnt mean anything. You’ve become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.

Black That’s a dark world, Professor.

White Yes.

Black What’s the worst thing ever happen to you?

White Getting snatched off a subway platform one morning by an emissary of Jesus.

Black I’m serious.

White So am I.

Black Before this mornin. What was the worst thing.

White I dont know.

Black Well, let’s pretend you dont know then. Still, do you reckon it was about you? Or about somebody close to you?

White Probably someone close to me.

Black I think that’s probably right. Dont that tell you somethin?

White Yes. Dont get close to people.

Black You a hard case, man.

White How else could I win your love?

Black You probably right. Let me try this. I dont believe that the world can be better than what you allow it to be. Dark a world as you live in, they aint goin to be a whole lot of surprises in the way of good news.

White I’m sure that’s true.

Black Well jubilation. Listen at the professor.

White But I’m at a loss as to how to bring myself to believe in some most excellent world when I already know that it doesnt exist.

Black Most excellent.

White Yes.

Black I sure do like that. Most excellent.

White Do you actually believe in such a world?

Black Yes I do, Professor. Yes I do. I think it’s there for the askin. You got to get in the right line. Buy the right ticket. Take that regular commuter train and stay off the express. Stay on the platform with your fellow commuter. You might even want to nod at him. Maybe even say hello. All of them is travelers too. And they’s some of em been places that most people dont want to go to. They didnt neither. They might even tell you how they got there and maybe save you a trip you’ll be thankful you didnt take.

White Yes. Well, that’s not going to happen.

Black Why not?

White Because I dont believe in that world. I just want to take the train. Look, why dont I just go?

Black How about some more coffee?

White No thank you.

Black What can I do?

White Maybe you just need to accept that you’re in over your head.

Black I do accept it. It dont let me off the hook though.