The Space Between Us(38)

"There are three choices," I said, matching his tone. He'd never been  this mad at me before, and I wasn't about to cower down in front of him.  This was not the Asher I had been with for five years. "We can keep the  baby and choose to be parents, or we choose adoption and give the baby  to a couple who wants to have a baby. Abortion is also an option, but  I'm going to be honest Asher, I'm not comfortable with abortion. I don't  think I could do it."

"So, you're just going to have a baby? You're not even going to consider having it taken care of?"

"TAKEN CARE OF? Listen to yourself, Asher." I moved towards him, placing  my hands on his face, trying to talk some sense into him. "This is a  baby, our baby. You want me to just throw it away, like garbage? I can't  do that. It's a part of us. No matter how you look at it, it's a piece  of you and a piece of me, together. I can't get rid of that. I won't."

"Why did you ask for my input if it doesn't matter?" His voice was softer, but still angry.

"I want to make the decision together. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, but I won't choose abortion."

"You'd rather drop out and become a teenage mother?"

He was right. I was now a statistic. I sat back down on the bed and gave  in to the exhaustion, folding in on myself, curling around my knees. "I  never thought I'd be having this conversation, ever. And even if I had  considered the idea that you and I would be faced with having to make  this decision, I never would have imagined … " my voice broke and the  tears started again. Yesterday, even an hour ago, if I had broken down  in tears in front of him there would have been nothing anyone could do  to keep him from comforting me. "I never would have imagined you'd be so  cold."

"I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm not trying to be cold. I'm trying to be  realistic. How would we raise a baby? How could either of us get through  school? How would I ever manage to make it through law school with a  baby? I'm not dumb. I understand that you have all the power here to  make whatever decision you're going to make. I just pray you make the  right one."

"I wanted us to make the decision together. I wanted you to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok."

"Yeah, well, it seems like nothing is ever going to be ok again." We  were frozen in place, me lying on the bed, tears still fresh on my face,  and him across the room looking at me with disinterest, his gray eyes  empty. "I'm gonna go. I need to think. Alone."

"You're leaving?"

"I can't stay here."

"Can I come with you?" I was desperate in that moment for the old Asher  to come back to me. I searched for the warmth I knew he had the capacity  for, but was holding back from me.

"I can't stay with you."

There was never, ever, a time when I thought I would hear Asher say those words to me.

"Ok."

Then he left.

When Reeve made it back to our room I'm sure she was paralyzed by what  she saw. I was on my way to a complete mental breakdown. Everything that  had been on my desk was now on the floor. My bedding was torn off and  crumpled by the bathroom. The mattress sprawled on the floor. I sat on  the overturned desk, leaning my back up against the wall, sobbing. She  ran over to me and pulled me off the desk.

"Charlie, what's going on? Where'd Asher go?"                       
       
           



       

"He left me."

"He left you? What do you mean?"

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"You must have misunderstood him," she said, shaking her head, just as surprised about it as I was. "What did he say?"

I sniffled and wiped my nose on my shirt sleeve, stalling, not wanting  to relive what had happened. "He wants me to have an abortion. I told  him I didn't think I could. He said he couldn't stay with me." Her  eyebrows furrowed and she looked confused.

"Couldn't stay with you right now, or couldn't stay with you any more at all?"

"Is there a difference? Right now is when it's most important that he stay with me. So, if he's gone now, he's gone."





Chapter Nine



A week went by and nothing changed. Reeve put the room back together,  but I barely got out of bed. If I wasn't sick from the pregnancy, I was  sick from the hurt. Reeve called, pretending to be me, and made an  appointment for me to see a doctor. She was on a mission to keep me  focused on the baby and I knew she was right.

By the time a second week passed, I was out of bed and going to class,  although my mind was distracted and my grades were slipping rapidly. I  tried to focus but my mind constantly wandered to Asher, wondering what  he was thinking, wondering if he missed me, wondering if I would ever  hear from him again. I had to, right? No one would just walk out on  their pregnant girlfriend and never speak to her again. He wasn't that  guy. My mind wandered to Asher often and my hand started wandering to my  belly.

I'd never really known anyone who had gone through a pregnancy before. I  was full of questions and no one had answers for me. But each day that  passed I started to feel more and more connected to the baby growing  inside of me. I wasn't sure how far along I was. I was hoping to learn  that at the doctor appointment the next week.

I might have been crazy or paranoid, but I started to see my belly poke  out just a little bit. I would lay in my bed at night and pull up my  shirt, gazing down at my stomach. I was a little in awe of everything. I  was scared shitless, no doubt, but I was also mesmerized by the tiny  hill of a bump that I could see beginning to grow. I was creating a  person. A baby. My baby. Asher's baby.

It was times like these, quiet moments in the evening when I was alone  with my baby bump, that I started to feel really close to my mom. I  could imagine how she felt about me as I grew in her belly. I could feel  the love I was already developing for my child and I knew she had felt  the same way. It wasn't short of magical the way I loved this baby.

It was my love for the baby that made me hold on to hope for Asher. I  hoped, every day, that he would show up and hold me and tell me  everything was going to be ok. I wanted nothing more than for him to  want me, to want our baby, and for us to all be together. I knew we  could figure everything else out as long as we were together. But I knew  there was no choice left for me if I had to choose. I would always  choose my baby. Always. I knew that if Asher came around and was  suddenly ok with choosing adoption, I wouldn't be. That first day, when I  was still in shock from being blindsided by an unexpected pregnancy, I  thought I might have been capable of letting someone else raise my baby.  But two weeks later, now that I bonded with the baby in my belly, I  knew I could never choose adoption. I'd move home with my dad if I had  to. I'd make any changes necessary to keep my baby.

I was still getting sick in the mornings, but the nausea seeped into the  evenings as well. I was losing weight because I couldn't keep anything  down. Reeve was obviously worried about me and her patience was wearing  thin with Asher.

"He should be here taking care of you," she said to me the morning of my  doctor appointment. "He should be the one going with you today, not  me."

"You don't have to go with me," I said, feeling guilty about everything  she had done for me in the last three weeks. She was right though. She  shouldn't be the one going with me.

"Hey," she said as she came to stand in front of me. "There's nothing in  the world that would keep me out of that exam room. I'm here for you,  one hundred percent. I just wish Asher would get his head out of his  ass."

"Have you spoken to him?" I asked hopefully.

"No. He won't answer my texts. I will text him today and tell him when  and where the appointment is, and hopefully he'll surprise us both and  show up." I didn't expect a different answer, but knowing that he wasn't  talking to either one of us somehow hurt more than I had anticipated. I  just wanted to know how he was feeling. I'd given him the space he  asked for, but being apart from each other didn't make me any less  pregnant.                       
       
           



       

I sat in my first class of the day when I felt a tight pinch very low in  my belly. It made me wince, but was gone quickly enough. I took a few  deep breaths and tried to concentrate on the lecture. In my next class, I  felt the pinch again and it was more painful. I clutched my stomach and  gave a small gasp. The girl sitting next to me leaned over and asked me  if I was ok. I tried to keep a small smile on my face and nodded at  her. She didn't look like she believed me, but turned back to the  professor at the front of the class. A few minutes later the pain was  back and I had to leave the class.