The Return of Antonides: Christmas at the Castello(40)

'I wasn't giving anything, Leo. I was taking. I got too close. I let  Luca get attached to me because it made me feel...needed.' She took a  deep shuddering breath, shaking her head at her own foolishness. 'It  made me feel like-like I was his mother.' She bit her lip. 'Can't you  see how wrong that is? I've given him hope for something that can never  happen.'

'What makes you believe that it can never happen, Dara?'

'Look at me, for goodness' sake. I'm a control freak who works crazy  hours and spends half the year travelling around the world with my  nightclub magnate former playboy husband.'

'That's...quite a mouthful.' Leo's brows rose.

'It's the truth.' She shrugged. 'We're not family people. Aside from  the fact that we can never have our own biological children.'

Leo walked past her to the ancient stone boundary wall, leaning over to  peer down at the rough sea below them. 'I might be a jet-setting former  playboy, but I think I would be ten times the father that mine was.'

Dara froze. 'Leo, I didn't mean that you wouldn't make a great father.  Of course you would. You're easy-going and kind. You're reliable and  intelligent. You would be amazing.' She shook her head. 'But you're  married to me.'

'Dara, if it wasn't for you I would still be going through life without  a true purpose. Falling in love with you made me realize what is truly  important in life. Three years ago if you had told me that I would want  to spend the rest of my life living in this castle I would have laughed  you out of the room.' He turned to her, taking both of her hands in his.  'But here I am. And this is the only place I want to be.'

'I can't be somebody's mother. I just can't.'

'Dara, did you ever stop and think that maybe it's okay not to be the  perfect mother? Sometimes it's okay just to try your best. I mean,  you're telling me that you're a workaholic, and yet the matron told me  that you've been visiting the orphanage three times a week. That's a  two-hour round trip, alone, while simultaneously running your own  business, yes?'

Dara shrugged. 'I made the time.'

'Exactly. Because you care about this boy.' Leo stepped forward,  grasping her hands in his. 'Dara, I went to that orphanage today because  I wanted to understand you. So that I could make you happy.' He paused  for a moment. 'I honestly had no idea of the effect it would have on me.  I suppose that somewhere in the back of my mind I've always worried  that being raised by parents like mine meant that I could never be a  good parent myself.'

'You would make a wonderful father, Leo,' Dara said softly.

'I'm not so sure about wonderful. But after today I know I would like the opportunity to try.'

Dara looked up into her husband's eyes and saw the emotion there. 'Are you saying that you want us to start a family together?'

'We've been a family from the moment you agreed to spend the rest of  your life as my wife. I want to take this next step with you-to start a  new adventure.'

Dara closed her eyes, letting the air finally whoosh into her lungs.  The fear of even daring to want this had stopped her from acknowledging  her true feelings about Luca. Hearing Leo say these things... Hearing  him shine a proverbial light on her deepest yearnings...

She looked up at her husband once more and saw that he was watching her quietly.

'I want to be Luca's mother.'

The words came out rushed and tumbled over each other on their way. But  once she had said them out loud it was as though she truly understood  herself for the first time. Her hands started to shake-a quake that  continued up her arms and down into her abdomen.

Leo put his arms around her but she gently removed them, needing to  pace for a moment with this newfound sense of terror coursing through  her. It was one thing to be afraid of wanting something that she knew  could never happen. But to admit that she wanted it...? To open herself  to rejection and heartbreak...?                       
       
           



       

To Leo this was a new feeling-the idea of becoming a parent. But for  Dara this was a sensation that had haunted her for years, a thought that  had consumed her at times. She had fought back against the feelings of  hopelessness by cutting the thought out of her life altogether and  deciding that she no longer wanted to become a mother.

Now she knew the truth. She had never stopped wanting it. She had just been waiting for this moment.

'I can't believe this is happening...' Dara breathed, her thoughts swimming with the enormity of what they were discussing.

'It's only happening if you want it to.' Leo stood in front of her. 'I  meant what I said on that beach three years ago. You will always be  enough for me, Dara. You are more than I deserve.'

Dara felt the fear melt away as Leo's arms enveloped her, and all her  worries seemed smaller all of a sudden. She breathed in the familiar  scent of his aftershave and told herself that she needed to commit this  perfect moment to memory.

'I want to start a family with you.' She pulled back to look into her  husband's eyes. 'I want us to become Luca's parents. If he'll have us,  that is.'

'Hearing him speak about you today, I have no doubt that he thinks just as much of you as you do of him,' Leo assured her.

'I hope so.' Dara bit her lip. 'Leo, once we take this step there is no  going back. There will be no more impromptu trips to Paris-no more  yachting for weeks along the Riviera. We'll have to consider school term  times. It won't be just you and I.'

'I'm quite aware that children are a lot of responsibility.'

'I just want to make sure that you're certain this is what you want. That we aren't going into this with our eyes closed.'

'Dara, stop worrying and let yourself enjoy this. I have complete faith  that you will plan every little detail perfectly. Just leave all the  fun stuff to me.' He laughed.

Dara smiled. He was right-she was a ball of nerves. She took a deep  breath, feeling a sense of excited anticipation hum through her veins.

'I will start proceedings in the morning.' Leo smiled. 'We can go to the orphanage ourselves.'

'I can hardly believe that this is happening.' Dara shook her head. 'Never in my wildest dreams...'

Leo pressed his lips tenderly to hers, his hands spanning her waist and  pulling her to him in a tight embrace. 'I was afraid to share you with  anyone else, but now I find myself wanting to show you off to the world.  You amaze me with all you've overcome.'

'You're the one who helped me to overcome it.'

Their kiss turned from soft to heated, and the wind whipped around them as the sun dipped slowly towards the sea.

* * *

The next morning Dara arrived at the orphanage bright and early, with  her husband by her side. They entered the common room just as the  children had finished breakfast. No sooner had they stepped into the  room than a tiny head of jet-black curls came barrelling towards them.

'Do you know the yo-yo man?'

Luca's eyes widened as he looked from Dara to Leo. Dara imagined her  husband must look like a giant from the small boy's height, and yet he  wasn't frightened.

'Luca, this is my husband Leo. He came here to meet you.'

The other children had filtered into the room, all their attention on  the man with the yo-yo. Leo continued to delight the children with more  tricks and Luca sat resolutely by his side, telling all the other  children that 'the yo-yo man' had come to meet him.

Before they knew it, the children were called to have lunch. As much as  Dara wanted to stay there all day, she knew that now it was time for  the official part of their visit.

As the lunch bell rang Luca's eyes turned wide and he ran to her. He  looked up at her with that uncertain expression she had come to  recognise so well after more than three months of visits.

'I promise that I will come back,' she said solemnly.

Luca was a child of abandonment, so he regularly made her promise that  she was coming back in their same special way. Dara held out her pinkie  finger, letting him lock it with his own tiny one.

She felt a hand at her waist. Leo stood by her side, watching the  exchange with interest. 'Is this some secret handshake I don't know  about?' he joked.

'I can teach it to you too,' Luca said quietly.

As Dara watched, her husband got down on his knees and promised the  young boy that he would return. She felt a swell of love for this man  who had helped her to overcome so much.

Leo straightened, and they waved as the boys ran in single file towards the lunchroom. Luca was the smallest of the lot.                       
       
           



       

'It was so good of you both to visit us today.' The friendly matron  smiled as she welcomed them into her office. 'I couldn't help but notice  your interest in little Luca,' she said speculatively.

Dara turned to the woman, meeting her gaze. 'My visits here haven't been as selfless as I've made them out to be.'

'You are a very kind woman, Dara. I don't believe that you came here out of your own interests.'