The Return of Antonides: Christmas at the Castello(34)

"Don't think about it. Forget him," she said over and over. But she  couldn't stop thinking about it. And she feared she would never forget  this past month as long as she lived.

She went through the motions of the program day after day. She attended  the lectures, practiced the language, learned new skills. She tried to  fill the emptiness in her life with what she was learning now, what she  was planning to do.

And at night when the other volunteers were drinking beer, laughing and  talking and making plans, Holly walked on the beach alone.

It had seemed a brilliant idea last autumn when she'd looked into the  project in the first place. But then she had finally come to terms with  what had happened and had been trying to redefine her life after losing  Matt. The Peace Corps had seemed to offer exactly what she needed to  challenge herself, to do some good while finding out who she was and  what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. It had been a good idea  at the time.                       
       
           



       

Now it was too late.

Because she was, heaven help her, in love with Lukas Antonides. And all  the lectures and language lessons and attempts to cook mysterious foods  could not fill the hole that leaving him had opened in her life.

This wasn't like the hole Matt had left. His death had brought an  irrevocable end to life as she had known it. And she'd had to face that  there was no way to change it, no possibility to bring him back. She'd  had to face that-and learn to move on.

But Lukas hadn't died. He hadn't left her.

She had left him.

Lukas had said he loved her. Had always loved her. The words echoed in  her mind as she stood and stared out at the setting sun. Lukas had asked  her to marry him.

And she had been afraid to.

Holly wasn't sure the exact moment she faced the truth-which wasn't  that Lukas didn't love her, but that she was afraid to love him. She was  afraid to open her heart, to risk the pain of loving again.

But it was too late to protect herself.

She already did.

* * *

Charlotte spun slowly around the cavernous space on the gallery's fourth floor and said, "It's getting very airy in here."

Lukas, halfway through knocking down another brick wall, merely grunted  and kept on working, first with a crowbar, then a hammer and chisel. He  wasn't knocking down any more walls than he and Alex had agreed on.  Well, maybe a couple more, but it was his building, damn it. And he  needed the exertion if he was going to stay sane. He'd thought about  going back to Australia and digging again. He'd stayed because he had  made commitments. No one could say he wasn't reliable, he thought  grimly.

Charlotte stopped spinning and came over to peer closely at him. "Are you sure you're okay, Lukas?"

"I'm fine," he said shortly. They were all fussing at him. He knew they  were concerned. He'd never thought he was the sort of guy who wore his  heart on his sleeve, but they all knew he was pining for Holly. It was  embarrassing. But he endured it. What else could he do?

Someday, he figured, he'd even get over it. Though since he'd carried a  torch for her for two thirds of his life already, he wasn't going to  hold his breath.

"A bunch of us are going out for pizza in about an hour," Charlotte said when he stopped hammering. "Want to come with us?"

Lukas shook his head. "No." Then, realizing how abrupt that was, he  grimaced and added, "Thanks. Not hungry." He kept moving the chisel,  whacking it with the hammer, moving it again. Each blow sent pieces of  brick scattering to the canvas tarps below. Lukas wiped a weary forearm  across his brow.

"You have to eat," Charlotte reminded him. "You're getting skinny," she said, assessing his shirtless frame.

"I eat."

Tallie saw to that. She kept bringing him food and inviting him for  dinner. Ever since she and Elias had discovered that Holly had left,  they'd been hovering like worried parents.

"Tallie left me, too," Elias reminded him. "Took me months to find her."

"I know where Holly is," Lukas said stonily.

"So go and get her," his brother said bluntly.

Lukas just shook his head. He couldn't tell them that Holly wouldn't  welcome him if he did, that she didn't want him, didn't love him, that  it had only been an affair to her.

"If we can do anything..." Tallie said, putting a hand on his arm as they were leaving. "If you want to talk..."

He didn't want to talk. For once in his life Lukas had absolutely nothing to say.

He stonewalled his family. He stonewalled Sera, who fretted about him  whenever she came into his office and found him staring into space. He  stonewalled Charlotte and the rest of the artists who kept trying to  find helpful ways for him to convince Holly to come back and be the  business manager again. He didn't tell them he figured she'd probably be  happy to remain as the business manager if only he would go away.

Thinking about it now, his throat got tight. It wasn't the thinking  that did it. It was because he was knocking down walls and there was  dust everywhere. Too much damn dust.

"If you change your mind, we're leaving sixish," Charlotte said, then  headed toward the door. "Leave a wall or two standing," she added. "We  don't want the world to come crashing down."

God no, Lukas thought grimly, we certainly don't want that.

Charlotte had barely disappeared when his cell phone vibrated in his  pocket. It would be Tallie telling him to come for dinner. He dug into  his pocket, already deciding that he wasn't going over there tonight.  Enough was enough. But it was Sera's name on the caller ID.                       
       
           



       

"I thought you'd gone home," he said when he answered.

"I was just leaving when someone came in who wants to apply for a MacClintock grant."

Lukas groaned. "We're done with that."

"For next year," Sera qualified. He could hear the smile in her voice.  She knew he was so relieved to have it over for the year that she could  tease a bit.

But Lukas had had enough of grant applicants for a while. "Tell him to come back next year."

Sera didn't say anything. She had learned by now that if she wanted something, she could always wait him out.

Lukas sighed. "Oh, hell, fine. Send him up. I'll discourage him  myself." Or maybe he could kick the guy in the butt, give him some  gumption like Skeet wanted.

Because look where gumption got you, Lukas thought bitterly. He, for  example, had accomplished so much by laying his heart on the line.

He slid down the ladder at the sound of footsteps on the stairs and turned to meet the prospective MacClintock applicant.

It wasn't a guy. A slender, dark-haired woman was silhouetted in the  late-afternoon sunlight that spilled into the room. Lukas glanced, and  felt his heart kick over in his chest because it looked like... But he  was dreaming. Had to be. It was a mirage. Like one of those damned oases  that tempted camel drivers who had spent too long in the desert.

And then she came toward him.

"Holly?" Lukas dropped the hammer on his foot.

* * *

"Lukas! Oh, God, are you all right?" Holly didn't have time to stop and  drink in the sight of him, didn't, in the end, worry that he would take  one look and tell her to get the hell out of his life.

Once she saw the hammer fall and saw Lukas wince with pain, all her own  misgivings fled. She dashed across the room to kneel at his feet.

"Sit down!" she demanded, tugging at the hem of his faded denim jeans.  She shoved the offending hammer away and tugged again, and finally Lukas  sat. She fumbled off his work boot and sock to find a goose egg forming  on the top of his foot. "We need to get ice on it."

"No," Lukas said. "We don't." And his hands grabbed her upper arms and  held her still. His Adam's apple worked in his throat. "We need to know  what you're doing here, Holly. I need to know." His eyes bored into  hers.

And Holly knew she couldn't deflect the question. She smiled a little  wryly. "Sera told you," she said softly. "I want to apply for a grant."

Lukas cocked his head. A tiny line appeared between his brows. "What're you talking about?"

Holly licked her lips. "Courage," she said, meeting his gaze, feeling herself drowning in those green depths. "I need some."

Lukas's expression seemed to close up. His jaw tightened. He looked  away. "For the Peace Corps?" he said tonelessly. He didn't look at her.  He was staring away across the room, as if looking at her would hurt.

Holly knew the feeling. She lifted a hand, wanting to touch him, to  draw strength from him, then knew she couldn't. She had to do this on  her own. "No," she said. "To tell you I love you, too."