The Return of Antonides: Christmas at the Castello(39)

Leo held her at arm's length, noticing the shadows under her eyes.  'Good. Because I'd like to continue our discussion from last night.'

Dara removed herself from his arms, turning to take a long gulp from  her own glass. 'I'd rather we just leave that, actually. I must have  been overtired and emotional.'

Her laugh didn't fool him. 'Dara, are you unhappy?' he asked, and watched her face snap up with alarm.

'Why on earth would you think that?'

'You seem...unfulfilled, somehow. These trips to Syracuse tell me that  perhaps you might have changed your mind about some things.'

Dara looked momentarily miserable, her expression filled with intense  sadness before shifting back to a mask of calm. Anyone else might not  have noticed, but Leo knew her better than anyone.

'It's nothing that I plan to act on,' she said coldly. 'There's no need for you to worry.'

'Why would I worry? We are husband and wife, Dara. We make these kinds  of choices together. Maybe I should go with you to Syracuse so you can  help me to understand.'

'That's definitely not what I want,' Dara snapped.

'Per l'amore di Dio.' Leo sucked in a breath to control his  frustration. 'Dara, for God's sake, what do you want?' he shouted  harshly, feeling instant remorse as she flinched.

They stood in silence for a moment, toe to toe in the silence of the kitchen.

'I won't be shouted at.' Dara spoke quietly. 'I need some time alone. I'll see you at dinner.'

She practically ran from the room. Ran away from him.

Leo frowned, looking out of the window at the waves crashing against  the cliffs. He had lost his temper-but could she blame him? He was her  husband, and yet she was determined to battle whatever was bothering her  alone. He had a right to know what this was about.

Clearly the answer lay in Syracuse. If she wouldn't go with him, then he would have to go alone.

* * *

Dara awoke to a note on her pillow from Leo, telling her that he had  some business to attend to and that he would return by the afternoon.  His words were plain and to the point, with none of the flowery terms of  affection that they usually used. She felt a pang of hurt that he  hadn't woken her before leaving, and now she faced a day in the castello  alone with her thoughts.

She had been hostile and unfair last night. And now she had driven a  wedge between them. She sighed, falling back onto the soft Egyptian  cotton bedspread, and stared up at the ceiling.

It wasn't that she didn't want to share her inner turmoil with her  husband. She just felt that it was pointless to do so. Yes, she had  formed a bond with Luca. Yes, for the first time in her life she had  felt the all-encompassing yearning to care for a child as her own. But  she would never do it. She would never be so naive as to assume that she  was in any way qualified to be a parent. She was a very good wedding  planner, and she hoped she was a satisfying wife. But she was not cut  out to be somebody's mother.

Her own mother had been warm and caring. She had given up her career in  hotel management to stay at home as a full-time parent and had made it  clear that she believed all women should do the same. Dara knew that Leo  didn't think that way-he went out of his way to promote equality in his  company, and often commented on how proud he was of his wife's  accomplishments. And yet the image of her mother baking in the kitchen  would always be her measure of what a good wife looked like.                       
       
           



       

She stared out at the waves crashing onto the cliffs below. Why was she  having all these thoughts now? She loved her life. She had more than  most women could dream of.

Needing to escape her overactive thoughts, she walked to the window.  The winds were too high today to walk down on the beach, and being  outside in the chilly December air wasn't her idea of a relaxing  getaway.

It had been Leo's idea to take time off work, and yet here he was  abandoning her on their third day. Clearly he was annoyed, and was  choosing to punish her.

Her mind wandered back to the orphanage once more. She was restless and  annoyed with herself for allowing this charade to go on for so long. It  wasn't fair to the little boy or to the hopeful orphanage staff. She  needed to explain herself and give them a clear idea that she would no  longer be visiting.

She could see Luca one last time.

Before she'd even realized what she was doing, she'd picked up her car  keys and was powering up the cobbled driveway in her Porsche. She could  be at the orphanage within the hour, and back well before lunchtime. Leo  wouldn't even know she'd gone anywhere.

* * *

The familiar white stucco facade of the orphanage was like a balm to  the uncomfortable ache in her chest. Dara knocked on the door and  stepped back when it swung open to reveal the kind-faced head of the  orphanage-Matron Anna.

'Signora Valente, I'm surprised to see you here.' She frowned. 'I thought you were in Palermo this week?'

'What would make you think that?' Dara smiled as she stepped inside and let the younger woman take her jacket.

'Signor Valente said that you were so busy this week...'

'He did? When were you speaking with him?' Dara frowned, just as a roar  of laughter came from the nearby common room. A familiar voice drifted  down the hallway-a deep male voice filled with mischief and laughter.

Dara moved silently towards the doorway of the common room, her heart  hammering uncomfortably in her chest. The children were all gathered in  the centre of the room, on the floor, and each of their little faces was  beaming up at the man who stood in the centre of their circle. Leo  stood poised with a red yo-yo in his hand. His posture was like that of a  magician about to wow his crowd.

'And now for my next trick...' he proclaimed, waiting a moment as the  children shouted loudly for him to continue. 'This one is called the  lindy loop. Are you ready?'

The excitement in the air was palpable, and every eye in the room was  trained on Leo as he set the red object on an intricate movement up in  the air. The yo-yo caught several times on its string, before spinning  up into the air and down to the ground and then landing safely back into  its master's hand.

The children clapped loudly, shouting multiple requests for new tricks  at their entertainer. Leo was calm and indulgent, chatting easily to the  crowd of little people in a way Dara had never seemed to master. She  had spent weeks trying to gain the confidence of these kids, and the  most she'd managed had been sharing lunch at the same table.

Luca always stayed by her side, though.

Her thoughts back on the present moment, she suddenly absorbed the fact  that her husband was here. In the orphanage. He had lied to her, and  for that she should be furious.

And yet all she felt was a same sense of anticipation. As if she was  hurtling head first down a hill and she had no power to stop it.

As she watched, Luca stepped forward from the crowd of children. His  soft black curls were falling forward into his eyes as they always did.  He had the kind of unruly hair that refused to behave under the  ministrations of any brush. She imagined Leo's hair would be much the  same if he let it grow any longer.

Catching her thoughts, she shook her head and watched as her husband  sank down to his knees to listen to the young boy whisper something into  his ear. Leo listened intently for a moment, before breaking into a  huge grin. Luca smiled up at him and they both laughed together at their  secret joke.

And Dara felt her heart break completely.

Turning from the door, she walked quickly down the corridor and out to  her car. The drive home passed in a blur. Her body felt numb and her  insides shook violently.

Once she reached the familiar facade of the castello, she walked to the  stone wall that overlooked the famous cliffs of Monterocca. And only  then did she let the tears come. Great racking sobs escaped her throat  and sent violent tremors through her.

It was unthinkably cruel that Leo should look so perfect surrounded by  children. The one thing that she could never give him. She wept for the  children she would never bear. The children she had denied wanting for  so long.

Soon the sound of tyres squealing down the driveway interrupted her  silence. Heavy steps were moving fast across the courtyard towards her.                       
       
           



       

Dara turned just as Leo came to a stop. 'Where have you been?' she asked innocently.

'You know where,' Leo gritted. 'They told me that you arrived and then left-driving like a mad woman.'

'You lied to me,' Dara said, her voice almost a whisper.

'I needed to understand.' He stood with his arms crossed.

'And do you? Do you understand now why it was so selfish of me to get so attached?'

'To tell the truth, Dara, no-I don't.' He sighed. 'You keep saying  you've been selfish. But I don't understand how you can consider giving  your time and attention to those children as selfishness.'