The Pact(91)

“Well then I finally fucking figured it out. I thought that was pretty obvious when I told you I was in love with you. Christ, Linden, none of that other shit should matter.”

He is despondent. “But it does.”

My face is growing redder by the moment and the apartment is feeling more and more like a firepit, like there will be no air soon, that this terrible, fucking unfair moment will consume us. But god, it can’t be over yet. It can’t be over. I won’t let it be. I love him, us, everything that we are about to give up that easily.

I take in a deep breath but it’s still shaking. I’m shaking, “Linden,” I say, putting my hand on the counter. “Look, I know it’s hard but let’s just talk this through. Okay. There’s a way out of this, I know there is. One where people don’t have to get hurt.”

He shakes his head and walks out of the kitchen and past me. He doesn’t even touch me as he goes. “Where are you going?” I ask.

He grabs his coat from the couch. “It’s over.”

“What the fuck?” I run over to him and shove at his arm. He barely moves. He won’t look me in the eye. “What the fuck happened between last night and now? How could you stop loving me overnight? How could you just stop…”And now tears are threatening to unleash down my face. My mouth fills with water.

Finally he looks at me. “I still love you, Steph. I’ll always love you. But I’m doing the right thing.”

My mouth drops open. I can’t even form words.

“Please, trust me,” he goes on and now his eyes are wet too. “I didn’t want it to be this way but it’s just something I have to do. It’s for the best. You and I will recover. We’ll get through this.”

I shake my head until the tears fall. “No. No. No we won’t. We won’t.”

“Then don’t let go,” he says. “And I won’t either.”

He goes to move but I reach out and grab his arms, holding him in place, as I stare up at him through my blurry, hot vision. “Linden. Why? What aren’t you telling me?” He doesn’t say anything. Again his eyes are searching the wall, the door, everything but me. “Tell me!” I scream, shaking him.

“He’s in love with you!” he yells right back and his voice is so loud, so broken, that I feel frozen to the ground. “James is in love with you. He even broke up with Penny because of it. He told me this. He told me you two slept together last year.” Oh no. Oh no. “And ever since then, you’ve been in his system bad. And he’s so fucking glad that you’re the one thing that I never had.”

“What?” I ask dumbly.

“I lied to him,” he says through gritted teeth. “I told him I had never been with you. He was asking. I had no choice.”

“You could have told him the truth.”

“And what kind of friend would I be?”

“The kind of friend you are!” I yell and it looks like I’ve slapped him. “Jesus, fuck, Linden. Listen to yourself. You’re giving me up for him, because he’s apparently in love with me? Why, because you feel guilty, you feel sorry for him, you hate yourself? You hate that you were with me to begin with? Which fucking is it, Linden, which fucking is it?!”

He doesn’t say anything.

“So all of the above?”

He licks his lips. “I did the right thing. He deserves you. Not me. I have everything. He doesn’t.”

I put my hand to my forehead in disbelief. “Oh my god. Are you listening to yourself? Are you? I don’t love James, I’m not in love with him. I love you. You! Always fucking you. How dare you try and throw that away. How dare you?”

Now he’s starting to look sorry. “We have a…our relationship…it’s…”

I’m not sure if he’s talking about me or James now but I don’t care. I am broken, in pieces, fused together only by molten anger.

“So that’s what it comes down to then. James tells you he’s in love with me. You try to hand me over. Like a sacrifice. To appease your guilt, so he doesn’t hate you, so you don’t hate yourself. Is that it?”

“No,” he whispers. “Please, baby…”

“Don’t you fucking dare call me baby,” I hiss at him, taking a step back. “And don’t you fucking dare talk to me again either.”

“No, Steph.” He reaches out to grab me and I rip out of his grasp.

“Get the fuck out here, Linden,” I growl at him. “You’re a fucking idiot if you think you could do this and still be my friend. You fucked this up, fucked me over, big time. So congrats. Go back to your James and your eased conscious. But I’m not going to be there.”