The Pact(90)

My woman’s intuition amps up and I try my best to just breathe as normal. There is nothing foreboding or scary about Linden in my kitchen.

But when I move to the other side of the bar, he looks up at me. And in his eyes, I see something I’ve never wanted to see. They are dark and dull and full of what looks like regret.

I’m not sure if I can handle this blow.

“Linden?” I ask, smiling, trying to keep my voice light, hoping that if I act okay everything will be okay.

“Hey,” he says hoarsely, then clears his throat. “How did you sleep?”

There is no intimacy in his eyes. I think that’s what’s making my limbs feel so suddenly numb.

“Fine. You?”

He just nods and wiggles his jaw back and forth, dropping his gaze. He’s breathing heavily and I look at his hands. They are gripping the counter, the veins in his forearms standing out.

“Baby?” I whisper. I can barely breathe now. “What’s wrong?”

I hold my breath as I watch him. I watch every little tell-tale spot on his face, every movement of his body. I’ve known this man for so long, it’s so easy to tell when something is right or wrong. And right now, something is very, very, horribly wrong.

I feel like I know before I even know it. Isn’t that what everyone fears when they’ve fallen in love? That they’re about to keep falling, with no one to catch them this time? That they’ll drop and drop and drop forever?

“Linden. Please, what is it?”

He keeps still for so long so that when he finally exhales, so harsh and loud, I nearly jump.

“I’ve been doing some thinking,” he says slowly. He has to clear his throat again and again. “Um, about us.”

Oh no.

Fuck no.

He gives me a pained smile, so pained it looks like he’s trying to smile through a gunshot wound. “It’s just been getting too hard lately with the sneaking around, you know? Having to hide. I’m just not sure if we can do it anymore. It’s no longer fun.”

I feel scooped out, hollow.

“Then shouldn’t we tell people? And no longer hide. Stop the charade. I’d be happy to stop the charade.”

“I can’t do that to James,” he says and looks away.

“Can’t do what to James?” I take a step toward him. “Linden, James will get over it. I promise you.”

He shakes his head. “No he won’t.”

“He will,” I say, louder now, hating that this has become such an issue. “And if he doesn’t, then it’s his problem, not ours.”

“I can’t,” he says flatly.

“I don’t understand,” I tell him, wishing I could just smack some sense into him. “What does it matter what he thinks? Why do you care so much?”

He sighs loudly and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re right,” he says softly. “You don’t understand.”

“So then explain it!” I yell, throwing my arms out. “Tell me what the fuck is going on. What are you getting at Linden? Are you breaking up with me?”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing but somehow he manages to look me in the eye. “I think we should…we need…to go back to being friends. Just friends.”

I am being split in two. “Just friends?!” I nearly spit it at him. “I’m fucking in love with you! You said you were in love with me. How the hell could we go back to being just friends?”

“Don’t get all upset,” he says.

“Fuck you! Of course I’m upset!” I put my hands on my head and tug on my hair, feeling the anger shoot through me, fighting the urge to scream. “Just friends? I can’t be your fucking friend Linden. Not ever.”

His eyes sharpen. “You said you would hold on.”

“No, you did!” I retort. “And you’re not. Over James? Fuck James.”

“Hey, he’s your friend too.”

“I don’t give a fuck whose friend he is,” I tell him. “If he’s a friend, he’d understand two friends falling in love. And if you actually loved me, you wouldn’t give me up for him.”

“That is not fair!” He roars at me, jabbing his finger in my direction. “You have no fucking idea what I’ve been dealing with.”

I blink in shock. “No idea? Linden, I’ve been with you for the past fucking two months, don’t tell me I have no idea, I’ve lived it. And I’ve hated it.” His eyes widen and I go on, “Yeah, sometimes I’ve hated it, the fact that it’s all hidden, that it’s a secret, that you’re ashamed of us.”

“You wanted to keep this a secret! Until it was all figured out.”