The Pact(87)

“You just have no idea what it’s like to be me. To have to work so hard through life to even get the slightest bit ahead. I grew up poor. I had a drunk fuck for a dad and a helpless mom. I struggled to get everything I have. It’s not easy being your friend Linden when you just get everything handed to you. That’s why Stephanie is so special to me. She’s more mine than yours.”

“That’s not true,” I say through grinding teeth.

“What?”

I swallow hard and take a deep breath. “She’s been friends with both of us for years.”

“But I’m the only one who’s fucked her, who really knows her.”

Not true. But I clamp my lips shut. Part of me wants to tell him, wants to hurt him for all the resentment he’s spewed my way. But the other part agrees with his resentment. That part sees his point.

That part knows I’m guilty.

“You haven’t been with her, have you Linden?”

The question startles me. I never thought he’d actually ask me that.

“With Stephanie?”

He nods slowly. “Uh huh. Seems silly to ask, but judging by the kisses I saw – oh you can say it was a dare or it was for the cameras, but it wouldn’t surprise me if you were the type of guy to take it a step further.”

But I am that type of guy.

Holy shit, I am a terrible person.

“Because,” he continues watching his fingers as they drum slower, “if you were that type of guy, I’d have the right to know. And I’d never speak to you again. It would be like you never existed. You know that saying, bros before hos? There’s truth to that. You don’t screw over your friends. And you don’t lie about it either. So, Linden. What type of guy are you? A friend? Or the other guy?”

I have to answer. I have to say something.

I have no time to weigh the right option. I can only buy time.

“I’m your friend James,” I tell him. “I’ve never been with Steph. She’s all yours.”

The biggest, brightest smile slowly appears on his face. He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. It doesn’t make me feel relieved at all. It makes me feel absolutely sick to my heart.

I just lied, flat-out lied to my best friend. I just destroyed something beautiful with my other best friend. Because now I know I can’t be with Stephanie, not after what I just said. We can’t continue sleeping with each other like we have and we can’t come out with the truth anymore.

I have to break it off with her.

My chest feels bereft, like the bottom dropped out. It has dropped out.

I can’t break it off with her. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

“Sorry if I was a little bit harsh,” James says, still smiling. I’m smiling back now but it’s the phoniest, stiffest smile that has ever crossed my face. “Friends go through shit all the time. I guess I harbored a few grudges against you that I didn’t really know about.”

I nod. Not feeling anything but deep, stabbing loss.

“Anyway, this makes me feel better. You have no idea how hard it was not to tell you earlier, to keep this a secret, but I wanted to make sure it was real. It is.”

It’s like he’s changed from night to day. “Are you going to tell her?” I ask, my voice a bit rough.

He ponders that for a moment, tilting his head. “I don’t know. I think I have to play my cards right.” Suddenly he snaps up, his eyes flying to mine. “But you can’t tell her Linden.”

“I won’t.”

“No,” he says and he sticks out his pinky finger. “This is the gayest shit but I know you don’t break these. You cannot tell her anything. Ever. This is just between you and me, as friends, as brothers. This is that fucking bro code, you got that? You promise? Pinky swear? You will not tell Stephanie anything about what we talked about today. I don’t even want her to know that you know about us fucking, okay?”

I slowly stick out my hand. Pure, unadulterated guilt forces me to curl my finger around his. He shakes it once.

“Good,” he says, exhaling loudly. “Now I can breathe. Man, Linden I was so afraid to tell you all this, that you’d think I was crazy. But I feel so much better now. I thought I would have my heart broken all over again but now I feel that maybe, maybe we have a chance. I mean, with Penny gone and Steph single again and the fact that it was only last year that she slept with me…I really might have a chance.”

I mumble something in agreement, feeling dazed and disoriented. My kitchen swirls around me and the aching feeling in my heart won’t stop. It won’t fucking stop.

“So,” James says, getting out of seat. “What are your plans for the day? Want to head to union   Square? I need to do some Christmas shopping. We could get some Blue Bottle coffee.”