The Pact(85)
“Wild party last night,” James says as he closes the front door behind him.
Now my brain is racing over every intonation in his voice. Did Kayla say something to him? Did he see something?
“Bloody fun though,” I tell him, heading over to the fridge with as much casual swagger as I can inject into my walk. Just another Saturday morning here, nothing to be suspicious about. My eyes scour the living room for a pair of red panties I know I ripped off of Steph just the other day.
“Yeah it was.”
I bring out a jug of orange juice and shake it at him. “Do you want to hit this?”
He shakes his head. On closer inspection, he’s not looking so good. He’s paler than usual and there is a ring of purple beneath his eyes. “You all right?” I ask him, quickly adding, “Hungover?”
He nods and looks up at me. His eyes are very grave, very dark. “Yeah. Hungover. I drank like a fish.”
“Who didn’t?” I say, pouring myself a glass of juice and gulping it down. “But you can’t get in the holiday spirit without spirits.”
James doesn’t even smile. He just stares at me and I can almost see the darkness swirling inside of him. My scalp prickles with unease.
“I broke up with Penny.”
I blink, surprised but not surprised. “What? Why?”
“I did it last night, after the party. We had a fight.”
I chew on my lip, thinking, and say, “Well, just because you had a fight doesn’t mean you should break up.”
“Were you in love with Nadine?” he asks.
I’m a bit caught off guard and immediately reminded of my conversation with Steph last night. She loves me. Baby blue loves me.
“Linden?”
“Sorry.” I shake my head and take a gulp of my juice. “No. I wasn’t in love with her.”
“And you knew it.”
“I did. I wanted to think it could change, grow to that, I guess. But no. I wasn’t in love with her.”
“And so you broke up with her.”
“Exactly.”
“Same thing then. I don’t love Penny.”
I can’t help but feel my face crumble a bit. “But you guys were so good together. She’s such a nice girl. She’s fun. She’s made you more fun.”
“I know, that’s what has made this so hard. You know, I’ve honestly been thinking about this for six months now.”
“Six months?” I exclaim. “You’ve been wanting to break up with her for six months?”
He shrugs and looks away, ashamed. “Like you, I thought things would change. Because she is fun and we have a great time together and I do care about her. A lot. In so many ways, she’s perfect. But I’m not in love with her. When I look at her, I don’t get that freefall.”
“Freefall?”
“Yeah,” he says softly and brings his eyes back to mine. “The way I feel when I do love someone.” He licks his lips. “Look, Linden I have to tell you something.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re in love with me, James. You’re not my type.”
“You’re not my type either. Fuckface.”
I smile but his face grows tense, his brows low. Please, please, please let him say some random girl’s name.
“I’m in love with Stephanie.”
No.
No. No. No. No.
My chest feels like there’s a vacuum inside. Black, dry, nothingness is all there is left.
“You what?” I’m barely able to speak but I should be able to speak. I should have known this was coming. I knew this was coming.
“I’m in love with her,” he says. While my voice has grown weaker, his has grown stronger. There is a steely determination in his eyes, as if telling me this he is making it more real to himself. “I’m surprised you never figured it out.”
“No,” I tell him. I clear my throat, trying to absorb it all. I can’t act hurt, I can’t act like there is this ice rock of utter fucking despair in my gut, the kind that keeps you from breathing properly.
“That’s good, I guess,” he says.
“So…” I begin. “I’m sorry. I just…how long have you been in love with her for?”
He sighs. “You know what, man? I don’t know if I ever really got over her. When she broke up with me, that really fucking did my head in. I was so in love with her and, looking back now, I can see why she did it. I was so fucking immature. We both were but I was acting like a real brat, you know? I guess because she was my first real love, you know, more than just a fuck. But Jesus, Linden, you have no idea what the sex was like.”
I bite down, my jaw strained.