The First Last Boy(37)

Like Abraham had said, I knew what I had to do. Push the people that I  cared about away from me to keep them safe. I put a sneer on my lips.  "Hell, if you're kicking me out, what the fuck does it matter where I  stay? I'll get Juvante to pack up my stuff."

I expected her to stiffen up and get mad but instead, she asked softly, "Why'd you give Ms. Shaw your mother's necklace?"

"It doesn't mean anything to me."

Mama Leena's eyes saw past the smokescreen. "I don't believe you."

I shrugged. "You're good at believing in lost causes so that doesn't surprise me."

"Does she know you were the one who gave it to her?"

"No."

The tears slipped down her face. "Okay, Ryan. If you change your mind about the direction that you're heading in, come home."

I forced a laugh, hating myself for what I had to do "I've never had a  fucking home. I'm not your son and you sure as hell aren't my mother."

Her face paled and her lips trembled before she tightened them. "Okay, Ryan."

I had to work to keep from hitting my knees at the ripped apart  expression on her face. I had to fight to keep from telling her that I  was sorry and hadn't meant what I'd said.

"Goodbye, son."

She left me standing in the waiting room. One down. I blinked a few  times and then went back to Mark. Pulling a few dollars from my wallet, I  handed them to him and told him to get a drink and a snack. He took the  money and ran off toward the vending machines.

"Ryan," Ms. Shaw smiled weakly at me. "Mark told me you've been helping."

I pulled the chair up close to her bed. "I have to tell you something  before he returns. Tana spent her college money to pay the hospital. I'm  getting it back for her but she won't take it from me so I'm going to  pay it directly to the college for her tuition. That'll cover her first  year. If you're well enough by then, I need you to make sure she goes in  September like she planned. I'll make sure there's enough to pay her  second year, too."         

     



 

"Oh, Ryan."

She was looking at me like I was a savior. "It was my fault you were  shot. Someone from my past was sending a message to me. Don't worry. I'm  going to stay away from all of you and I'll make sure it never happens  again."

Mark came back into the room with a soda and a pack of candy before Ms.  Shaw could respond to that. He offered me some and when I shook my head,  he said, "Mom says I'm not allowed to run away until I'm an adult."

"I'm afraid that's true," I said.

"That sucks."

"Your mom needs to rest, so tell her goodnight and I'll take you home."

Mark climbed up on the bed and kissed his mom on the cheek, then scrambled down.

Ms. Shaw looked at me a little less friendly now but I'd expected that. "Thank you, Ryan."

"See ya."

Mark's step was lighter as he walked along beside me. "Mom said when she  comes home we'll make a tent in the living room and camp out."

"That'll be fun," I said.

"Can you come too?"

"My life is going to be crazy, so probably not. But tell you what, you can call me or text me any time you want to."

"Yeah. Cause we're buddies," Mark said as he hopped back into the Charger.

He chatted all the way back to his house about all the fun things he was  going to do once his mom came home and how he was going to keep his  room clean before she even asked.

I pulled into the driveway and Mark wrested his bag up. "Are you coming in?"

"No, I need to go."

Tana was waiting on the porch. She hurried to the Charger and opened the passenger door.

"Mom says I can't run away until I'm adult," Mark announced. He rooted  through his pack and offered me a Spiderman figurine. "It's my  favorite."

"It's nice." I tried to hand it back to him, but he wouldn't take it.

"You can play with it," he said.

Tana ruffled his hair. "Go inside and eat. Brooklyn fixed hamburgers."

She slid into the spot on the front seat that Mark had vacated before I  could stop her. "I've gone over and over it in my head what happened  with my Mom. I'm really upset that you didn't tell me but-"

"Tana?"

"What?"

Needing to make her hate me, I said, "I'm done with this fucking soap opera. Get out of my car."

Her mouth dropped open.

"Everything is too hard with you. I like my girls easy and drama free."

"But...the other night...was so nice...and in the laundry room you said  that when I was at college you wanted me to remember that you wished  things could be different when I thought of you."

"I was probably tired and it was hard to think straight with you in your  bra and panties. Guys will say anything when they've got a boner."

"But..."

It was taking every bit of strength I had to push her away, to hurt her  the way that I was doing. But if I didn't, if I stuck around and she  ended caught in a web Chanos spun, if she got hurt or worse, I couldn't  take it. I had to get her out of my life. I loved her and I wanted to  protect her, but I would do that from a distance. When she called my  name in a pleading whisper, I said, "Jesus, Tana. Do I have to spell it  out for you? There's someone else."

"I don't believe you. I thought..."

"You thought because we screwed a few times that we had a relationship.  And let me guess. You're in love with me even after I told you not to  let that happen." I rubbed my hand on the steering wheel.

"I am in love with you."

How the demons of my past must be rejoicing that what I'd wanted all my  life...a home...love...and a family...would always be beyond my reach.  "I don't love you. If you get horny and want a fuck, you can call me. If  I'm not busy with another girl-"

She choked back a sob, opened the door and got out, slamming the door before I finished. She ran into the house.

Two down. The pain in my heart felt like someone turned an alligator  loose inside my body and he was going for the death roll. I was drowning  in the pain. I drove away and before I even reached the stop sign at  the end of her street, I had to pull over to collect myself. The  Spiderman figure stared sightlessly at me in mocking reminder of what  I'd lost. I put it in the glovebox and drove on to finish breaking all  the hearts I needed to break.





Chapter Twenty-Five

TANA



By the weekend following Ryan taking my heart apart and then stomping on  the pieces, Mom was able to return home. I was ecstatic to have her  back. She was frail and she moved slowly and carefully but she was alive  and she was home. The second I had her settled on the sofa with pillows  and an ottoman for her feet, she dropped a bomb on me. "Your college  tuition is paid for your first year. I expect you to leave at the end of  August like we'd planned."         

     



 

"Mom! That's two weeks from now. You just came home. I can't leave. You need me. Mark needs me."

"Oh honey, we'll both always need you, but only because you're a part of  our family. Not because you have to fix things or save us. Leena is  coming by tomorrow to take you shopping for some of the things you'll  need for your dorm."

"But...Mom..." I started crying.

"Tana, honey. It would break my heart if you stayed."

"If I go...and something happens...how could I live with myself for not being here?"

"You couldn't prevent what happened even by being here." She shifted and  then settled back. "We will not live our lives waiting for what-if to  happen."

The doorbell rang and I wiped my eyes and went to answer. Mama Leena,  Destiny, and several of Mom's coworkers filed into the house bearing  containers of food, flowers, balloons and gift bags. Following the group  into the kitchen, I squeezed beside Mama Leena and casually asked her  how Ryan was.

She tensed, then lowered her head and shook it. "That boy is in a world of hurting right now but I can't reach him. He's gone."

"Gone?"

"He moved out. I don't know where he's staying."

"Why would he move out?"

"Because I told him he couldn't be in the gang and stay at my house."

"He's in the gang?"

Mama Leena looked at her watch. "He will be. Abraham said the jumping in is this afternoon."

I tugged at her arm. "I'm angry with him for keeping what he knew about  Mom's shooting from me and how he talked to me the last time I saw him  but that doesn't mean I don't care what happens to him. We have to stop  it. We have to save him."

She covered my hand with hers and refused to move. "No, Tana. You cannot  force someone to make good choices. They have to realize it and want it  on their own. Ryan has to find the strength to save himself."

"I have to-"

"Let him go. That's what you have to do and it's the only thing you can  do. When I first met Ryan, he was a mess of hurt and anger. I've seen  him change and grow. Underneath all that swagger and mouth of his, I  believe there's a good man. But he's got to choose to be that man. You  understand?"